The cancerous adventures of a midwestern farmboy.

And Winter Came...

2011-11-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

Sit down by the fire here for I have much to tell... As most if not all of you know it's been some time since my last update and I apologize for that. The transplant hit me pretty hard and there were a few weeks in the beginning where I wasn't really... well, THERE for lack of a better word. That time is simply not in my memory and I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say I am eternally grateful to whomever invented morphine so that I could be so high as to not remember any of it. Yeah, it was THAT bad! BUT, that's all behind me now as I have not had a transfusion since shortly after the transplant was done. Instead they're now taking blood OUT of me in order to reduce the ferritin level (an intracellular protein that stores iron and releases it in a controlled fashion) in my blood from all the countless units of blood I received over the years and in spite of what amounts to “donating” a unit of blood a week my hemoglobin level has continued to rise and is now 13. The recognized level for a “healthy” man of my age is between 14 and 17. Just let that sink in for a minute, I can wait... So Tracy, what does this all mean you might ask. Well, there is no official word from any doctors as it's still VERY early on in the post transplant scene but those numbers tell me that things are progressing rapidly and in a VERY desirable direction. Those new stem cells have corkscrewed themselves into the hard bone and set up shop not only making blood but replicating themselves to such a degree that they are able to keep up with the blood coming out AND produce excess to replenish what was lost. This would be a good time for a tissue, excuse me...

HOWEVER..., (pause for effect) it's far from over and I find myself fighting yet another demon known as depression. A foul and vile affliction if ever there was one and every bit as faceless as the myelofibrosis I have all but eradicated from my body. The kind of thing one faces that has no face, no body, no corporeal entity upon which to vent my rage and disdain for it. It's just there lurking in the back of my mind and making it's presence known when I'd least like to have it around, not that there is a good time to have depression drop in for a visit mind you, but ever that seems to be it's super power. Timing. Make no mistake it knows full well how to best use this power too. But there is hope... I've started seeing a therapist again and it's working! Just as with the “cancer” I have had to seek out persons with special skills and talents to aid me in this fight and I pray ceaselessly that this war will end soon but with a favorable outcome, for me that is. I could care less if cancer and depression are made to suffer and should they be stricken from me, and all those they hold hostage from their lives, so much the better and I say “Good riddance!” All of this brings me to something that has been on my mind for the past week and a half. Please, PLEASE have patience with me. This is far from over and I fully understand that many if not all of you worry and my lapses in communication certainly don't help that but please try to remember what I have said here. There are days where getting out of bed, eating and watching TV are THE best that I can manage and understand that I'm working on it and giving my all every day. Some days I simply have more to give than others...

As the seasons change and summer has turned to fall and now winter has come let us take time to remember the things that we are thankful for. Even though I don't call as often as we all would like or even update you as often as I'D like it doesn't mean I've shut you out of my life or I'm ignoring you. And I know I should tell you all thank you more but again, please don't assume the worst. I am, and ever shall be eternally grateful for all you have done, each in your own way. I would like to take this opportunity to send a special thanks out to some very important people. These people have each done something for me that has really made a difference and although you all have in some way done something, these I feel deserve special recognition as I reflect on the past year and what they have done for me in my greatest hour of need.

My beautiful-amazing-incredible-compassionate wife, my children (including the dogs!), Frank and Sharon Farmer, Patricia Warner, Alex Beam, Rayann Heingartner, Becky Dean, Jeff and Desiree Kauffman, Joe Thompson, Dave Farmer, Brian Hinck, Amber Hamm, Kathleen Schoening, Monique Becker, Eric Jones and Erin Saul, Kristi Finney, Brad and Jamie Luegge, Keith and Jamie Hood, John and Heidi Maher and the list goes on. I'm sure I'm forgetting a good many people but these, off the top of my head, have made a tremendous difference in how I've managed to deal with what has been set before me. I honestly, HONESTLY could NOT have done this, have gone through all that I have had you all not answered the call. I am eternally grateful and would, if I could, tell you all in person if I could. Thank you... a hundred thousand times and from the highest mountain top, thank you.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again May God hold you in the palm of His hand...

Tracy.

Seattle week 15

2011-08-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

Greetings and salutations from the Emerald City. It's been a while eh? Well let me tell you what I have been up to. Lots of healing (that's been my top priority), watching crappy reruns on TV and staying up late to see the shows I like because I don't have my trusty DVR here, a little reading (it makes me sleepy or I would read more), getting out and seeing the sights in and around Seattle, sampling the local food, watching more movies in the past three months in the theater than in the past 15 years (being here without the kids does have it's advantages). We got to visit with the kids for nearly a week when Frank and Sharon brought them up for Molly's birthday... I can't begin to tell you how much we missed them and what that meant to both Sarah and I. Thank you Frank and Sharon, we owe you big for that!

Health wise I'm doing great, physically. The numbers continue to rise and there have been no real complications except for a virus that the doctors caught onto right away and took care of it. They knew I had it in my system before the transplant and were simply waiting for it to manifest. It's good to have such knowledgeable professionals working on my behalf. Spiritually, this has certainly been a test and I can't wait to get back to my church family and feel the love and strength of God as we gather to worship Him. I strive to live a more Christ-like life and I know I could do better. I'm trying and I have faith that He knows that. Mentally... well, things could be better. I have always used this Blog/update as a tool to improve myself, and to let you all know how I feel. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. This is one of those not so good times... I struggle with my sense of self, my fears of what I have and will become, how I will fit into my family either working or staying at home, what are my dreams for the future, now that just plain staying alive seems like a very real possibility. For so long life and death and my delicate walking of that fine line between the two has been all consuming. So now that the balance has been tipped in my favor, where do I redirect my thoughts? Then there are the feelings of abandonment. Feeling like some people couldn't be bothered to write or call. Most of my days whether in or out of the hospital are spent sitting. At the apartment I watch TV and try to read. I hope and wish the phone would ring or I'd find an email or a letter, but alas, only a few took the time and I greatly appreciate their efforts. Perhaps some didn't fully grasp the gravity of my situation, maybe I could have done more to make it clearer. Maybe some see this as something similar to something they went through and I should just suck it up, well that's just not me... I could have used, and still could use your support. I guess that's why I didn't write for so long, I started to feel like no one really read this or even cared. I know that may hurt some feelings but in all honesty mine have been hurt for a while now. This is some serious s#!t that I have been going through and regardless of your opinion of how you would handle it or how you think I should handle it the truth is we're not the same person. Many of you should know that I'm a very emotional person and I take things to heart. My feelings get hurt easily sometimes - times like this. And here's a little FaceBook etiquette for those utilizing that social network, one line comments on my status updates are not really very helpful. Write me an email, a snail mail letter, even a postcard or better yet, call me. Don't put this all back on me with the excuse that I could call too. I have made a few phone calls and I will not bear the brunt of this. I know that it's hard when I'm so far away and things are so incredibly scary, but leaving me to fight this on my own surely isn’t going to help. I'd rather we sat and just cried together on the phone than try to ignore the problem. It's not going away, my home is here now (well, in California not Seattle) but I'll visit, in fact I just DID a few months ago. And my house is always open to guests and I pride myself on my Irish hospitality.

We are typically at the hospital Tuesday and Friday mornings from about 8-12 but there are a host of “going home” appointments scheduled over the next two weeks. If I am busy in a procedure, Sarah will have my phone. If we are both unavailable leave a voice message and I'll call you back as soon as I can, I promise. You can also respond to this Blog post right at the bottom of the page under the post, email me a reply to the mass email I send out to notify everyone of the updates (if you want it to be private be sure not to “reply all”) send me a general email, write a letter (the post office will still deliver them for a nominal fee) or send a message via carrier pigeon. Smoke signals are not advised as we are under almost constant cloud cover here in the Emerald City, nor am I set up for telegraph or Morse code. If you really want to do something for me, that's what you can do.

Seattle, Week 5

2011-06-01T22:59:00.002-04:00

Seattle, week five

Wow, has it been five weeks already? Seems as though we just got here a few days ago, and I guess that's a good thing that our time here is going by so fast. The actual transplant was delayed by some weather holding up the courier's plane. I'm just glad it made it! Medically I'm doing really well, no pain, very little nausea and just a little mucositis in my mouth. Still not as bad as some though, from the sound of things... I get a little lonely when Sarah goes back to the apartment at night and I miss my kids something fierce. All just stuff that I have to work through, just like the rest.

I have received some hats and postcards and even a surrogate gorilla to vent my frustrations on. The kids write me every week and Molly sends me drawings. Thank you all for your endless, limitless support. You all mean the world to me.

Well, that's about all I've got for this week. Not really a lot going on but waiting for the new cells to "engraft", hopefully in the next week or so. The sooner that happens the sooner I can leave and be an "outpatient" for the rest of our stay, only coming back for appointments and monitoring.

Until next week, take care of yourselves and each other.

Love, Tracy.

Seattle, Week Four. Alternately, The Boy's Gone Preachy

2011-05-25T21:20:00.003-04:00

Good morning my family and my friends. I certainly hope that this finds you well, safe and dry. What a week it has been what with all the flooding along the Mississippi River then tornadoes galore just a little west, not to mention that crazy cousin of mine on the west coast ranting on about his cancer... Oh wait, that's me!

So week four was rather eventful here in Seattle. Last Thursday I started a rather aggressive chemo regimen, six days straight! Boy am I glad THAT'S over! Today is a day off with another medication to be infused over the course of the day to make final preparations for... The new marrow! As I lay here sleeping I awoke with a start, call it the "voice of God" if you like but I'm not saying that I hear voices... Anywho, I've been telling people all along how inconsequential my thanks sound to me. For things like your prayers, the little postcards and the CrAzY hats, right on up to the really big things (that we won't get into here)... I simply cannot thank each of you enough. I'm not working and barely get by as it is, so money is out. Sure I could come up with a creative way to send a postcard back, maybe gift-recycle the hats, and praying for others doesn't cost a man naught but his time and a little effort, I can do that too. But it just seems to me that a man ought to leave something BETTER than he found it, to give back more than what he has received and that maybe in doing so this world, crazy as it may seem, might just become a better place than I found it...

And then there's that "voice"... Telling me in the middle of the night that you didn't do ALL those things for me so that you'd get any "credit" or recognition for your deeds. That my debts, like those of my debtors are forgiven. Sound familiar? Yeah, it sounded familiar to me too. I think in a world where we are taught from a very early age to keep score against one another, against the world, it's easy to forget. I worked hard all my life - ALL of it, and I lost a good many job because of greedy men who had forgotten how and why they got to where they were, only that laying off some guy was a means to balance the checkbook this week, month, or quarter. I worked hard, yet I still had to file bankruptcy twice, losing a house and a truck along the way. And yet I was forgiven... I'm STILL loved... even though the "rapture" came and Tracy is STILL writing this crap... It's going to be alright.

As my second birthday fast approaches I am mindful of just what that means. I firmly believe in second chances, Lord knows I've had a few. So I'm going to do something just a little different to celebrate my second birthday, I'm going to donate it. Going to make more of it than just another day. Maybe serve soup in a homeless shelter or care for animals at the pound, maybe pick up trash at local parks or raise money for those in need... Something larger than myself.

I'm told, and I believe that all things happen for a reason, even the things we can't explain. So all of this, the bankruptcies, the hard work, even something as terrible as this cancer has happened for a reason. I don't yet fully understand what that may be, but I swear to you all now that from the MOMENT I leave this place, I intend to make the MOST of whatever life throws at me! To be THE best Tracy that I CAN be! And to forgive my debtors, eat my vegetables, putout the trash, walk the dog... And to tell Sarah every day what an INCREDIBLE woman she is.
Take care of yourselves, and take care of one another. It's what Jesus would do...

Seattle, week three.

2011-05-18T20:05:00.000-04:00

Well gorilla warriors, week three is in the books. Monday saw the Hickman line placed in my chest. It was a little sore the first day and a half or so but will make things a LOT easier on me as far as blood transfusions, blood draws and medicinal infusions. It's essentially a larger, more durable version of an IV line and can stay in much longer. Anything they need to infuse me with or draw from me comes/goes through this line and I don't have to get poked anymore, or at least until I'm done.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past, not by choice, it just sort of happens. All good memories thankfully, maybe my life flashing before my eyes in slow motion? It has been a long strange trip and I thank you all for joining me along the way. As I look back over the years there have been an awful lot of good times... Rest assured I look forward to making a LOT more good memories with ALL of you!!!

So, where does that put me now? Well Sarah and I had a conference with two of the doctors and the head nurse. The lead doctor basically went over a synopsis of what will transpire over the next month, and what COULD happen. Not to scare us or give us a sense of dread, more their “legal obligation” to warn us of the potential risks. I was surprised at how well I took it all in until he got to the end and said something to the effect of “All of this could also lead to you being cured.” It was at that point that I felt the gorilla wince and if he weren't metaphorical I am quite certain he would have shrunk back into the corner. That was the single best thing I have heard in three and a half years. Yes I have heard other doctors mention it but somehow now it seems so much more tangible, so close to being in my grip... Eyes on the prize I march onward undaunted by the posturing and chest thumping of that infernal gorilla in the corner. Tomorrow morning I'll be going back to the MTU for a month long stay. Chemotherapy starts tomorrow with the transplant taking place just a week later. The three weeks after that will be waiting for the new cells to “engraft” and monitoring my progress, treating the various side effects with a laundry list of medications. After that I should be allowed to come back to the apartment with daily return visits, then every other day, then every three days etc. until they deem I am healthy enough to go HOME!!!

I greatly appreciate all that you have done, each and every one of you has had a large part to play in my struggle and I have no way of ever repaying you all save one, that I continue to fight and beat this, living out the rest of my days until I am old and gray. To BE the very best Tracy that I can be each and every day. This next month will be THE hardest trial I have ever faced and I will need your support now more than at any other time. I'd like to ask you all, if you can, to send postcards from any places that you visit or from wherever you happen to be. Also, if you have any crazy hats feel free to send them my way and I'll wear them in the MTU and wherever else I happen to go and I'll have someone take photos which I'll post here of me wearing them. The crazier the better but remember, I have a BIG head (I wear a size 7-1/2). Please keep them hats, sorry Jen., no tiaras. Remember that I'll have no hair and will need them to ward off the sun as I'll be especially sensitive to it's burning rays.

Stay strong and keep the faith, your support makes this so much easier.

All my love and gratitude, Tracy.

Seattle, week two.

2011-05-13T22:59:00.000-04:00

Hello again Gorilla Warriors, I trust this finds you all safe and dry, as spring seems to have sprung with a vengeance across the great United States. Week two here has been rather uneventful. Several dental appointments and now my choppers are squeaky clean and fillings, that I just had done, are fixed to the VA's satisfaction. On Monday I go in for the installation (like it's a light fixture or new window) of the Hickman Line or more commonly a “port”. It's essentially a semi-permanent version of an IV line and it gets installed in one of the big veins/arteries in the chest. I'm not really looking forward to it but I trust it will be better than the biopsy... Then Thursday I start the chemo, and the transplant will happen on the 26^th (I believe).

The closer this all gets to becoming a reality the more anxious I become, and having a week and a half to sit around “thinking” about things doesn't really help much. I have done a lot of reflecting on the past and it seems to have focused on my childhood. Things weren't always perfect but there sure are an awful lot of really good memories there. I have been thinking a lot about people that are no longer with us too, Grandma Hagerty, Grandpa Luegge, Uncle Ray, Uncle Forrest, Uncle Harold... and a host of friends that have left me wondering what ever happened to them. I know, believe me I KNOW, that all the family members that have entered my thoughts are here with me now, wrapping their arms around me (even if such was not their way while here on earth) and comforting me, maybe even guiding my thoughts and dreams, almost letting me know they are here with me now and that regardless of the outcome everything will be ok. Yes, you read that right... “regardless of the outcome”. Honestly none of us knows for sure, except God Himself, and he has yet to tell me personally...

You know, when this all first began I asked myself (and eventually God) what I could have possibly done to deserve this. How could people commit such horrible crimes against other people, GOOD people, and nothing like this happens to them? Well, in all that reflecting over the past week I realized that deserving what has happened to me has little if anything to do with it. The things I have done throughout my life, and that I continue to do, have earned me a place in Heaven... of that I have NO doubt. So regardless of how this all plays out, what I have earned will be granted me when the time is right and not a minute before. So what do I get here, now? I get all of you wonderful people by my side, physically or emotionally connected to me each in your own way. I get people telling me how I have inspired them to work through something in their life, to find courage and strength where they thought none existed. I get people saying to me “I can't believe with all you're going through that you still find it in you to help me...” and all of that drives away the darkness, keeps the gorilla at bay for just one more day. For a long while now that is all I have asked God for, just one more day... one more chance to live my life as He intended, in the service to my fellow man - to you!

Whatever lies ahead, you'll never make it there if you don't focus on what is right in front of you. Live in the here and now and enjoy every moment of every day, even the not so good moments.

With love, Tracy.

Seattle:week one.

2011-05-03T21:33:00.000-04:00

Hello from soggy Seattle. This being my first update of the transplant process there really isn't much to tell. We have both had a lot of appointments this week and there are still more to come followed by a week of pretty much nothing. For my part I generally like Seattle, though it's residents could use some driving lessons and it is in desperate need of some street widening! Other than that it a very pleasant city. Tons of fresh sea food, lots of people walking and riding bikes (this has GOT to be THE fittest city in the country!) up and down tons of hills. We have seen some of the local sights and I have a bunch of photos on my FaceBook page.

The apartment is small but serves it's purpose, it's just missing three kids (plus or minus a few neighbor kids) and two huge dogs. The furniture is spartan and functional as one would expect from your Uncle Sam. Not that I'm complaining, he IS taking very good care of me... The VA hospital here is undergoing some remodeling and expansion and as such they have valet parking for patients. That certainly makes one feel "special"! All of the doctors and nurses are very kind as well as extremely knowledgeable, perhaps a bit too much so in one Drs. Case but he IS the best that money can buy with a proven track record so I guess a little "God complex" is acceptable. He does have a sense of humor, I tested that on the first day! In short, I am well cared for, most of all by my lovely wife who is waiting on me hand and foot and has really stepped up to the challenges dealt her. I should think there is no greater test of ones marriage vows than "in sickness..." and really meaning it.

I have to tip my hat to my "support group", you all have really brought your A game. With all the well wishes, emails, FaceBook posts and even a custom set of one of a kind Tracy vs. the Gorilla prints... Well, a fella couldn't ask for a better group of people to have his back. The worst is yet to come to be certain but with you all by my side cheering me on there's no WAY I can fail!!! Please keep the prayers and good vibes coming and if you'd like to send any cards or care packages, you should have the address already. I'd ask that if you feel the need to send a care package, no cut or fresh flowers, nothing perishable, and perhaps some Best Buy or iTunes gift cards so I can buy some dvd's to watch (they would fit in a card and be less to ship anyway).

Thanks again for all that you do, I couldn't do this without you.

Eternally yours,

Tracy.

We can rebuild him...

2011-03-29T16:46:00.001-04:00

Greetings and salutations from (finally!) sunny California! I have some more good news to share with you. We have some dates set for some big events coming soon. First, Sarah, the kids and I will be flying back to southwest Michigan on the 8^th of April and will be staying until the 17^th. Certainly not as long as we'd like but maybe longer than some are willing to put up with us... (that was a joke, yer stuck with me for a VERY long time!) The weekend of the 9-10^th we'll be busy with a family thang but I am thinking of hosting some sort of a gathering on the 16^th so EVERYONE that wants to can stop by for a visit. This will make it easier for us as we won't have to try to fit time with everyone into a short schedule and no one will get left out that wants to stop by and say hi. I am still working on the details but stay tuned and I'll keep you updated. If you have any suggestions as to where I might hold such a gathering please email me and I'll add it to the list and look into it. Anybody working at American Axle that can get me a good price on the Union Hall, or perhaps the Eagles or A place In Time downtown? Tak to me folks and lets make this happen! I want to see you ALL, family, friends both long standing and new, SCA folks... ALL of ya! Can anyone get us a hog and roast it? I'm honestly open to just about anything (not TOO extravagant or expensive) so throw your ideas out there and let me chew on them.

Now onto the nitty-gritty stuff. We have been in contact with the Seattle folks and the date is set for April 27^th to begin final testing and the preparatory regimen for the BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant). This will give us a week after we get back home to finalize our plans and get our house in order for others to take over the day-to-day operations of TrayCorp. Sarah's Mom will be staying with the kids at the house and her Dad will be relieving her as needed (we'll work that schedule out a bit later) and we have a new foster home for Seargent Ichabod Pepper (the cat) and even people to check in on the dogs and take them out of the house to get some exercise and give Grammy a break. Sarah and I cannot fully express in words how much all this support means to us, there just aren't words to do our gratitude justice... We're not suite sure how things will work in Seattle as far as logistics with the apartment (laundry, grocery shopping etc.) but the people we are dealing with there are consummate professionals and as I'm fond of saying: “This ain't their first rodeo.” This is what they do for a living and as I have been told on numerous occasions, this is THE best place in the WORLD to have the BMT. I trust that they will guide us through every step of the process and I trust that the folks we have taking care of things here are top notch too. We have been truly blessed to have you all in our lives and we are SUPREMELY grateful for all that you have done and will continue to do for us.

The astute among you may have noticed that I did not mention Ireland... well that's because it's simply not happening, at least not now! I WILL go there, someday but as God has shown me there are simply more important things to tend to right now. This was hard for me to take as it has been a lifelong dream but once I was able to really think about it I realized that it's not a dream lost, just a dream on hold until I am in better health. Who knows, maybe I'll HIKE Ireland... the whole damn island!!! (it's mine ya know!!!) -wink-

I've been giving something else an awful lot of thought lately too, the life giving generosity of my donor. I can stop wondering who it is... is it a man, woman, American or perhaps from another country? Will they want to communicate with me or even agree to meet with me after? I guess I always had it in my head that I would be able to at least say thank you... but I wonder. Perhaps they are very reserved and don't want that. How do you think you'd feel if you were the donor or even the recipient? I'd love to hear your thoughts... Leave a comment or email me.

The day the Earth shook, and then stopped

2011-03-16T10:12:00.001-04:00

On Friday last the island of Japan experienced a devastating earthquake, and the earth shook violently. Many people lost their lives, catastrophic damage was done and it’s far from over for those people. My heart goes out to them… But for me, Friday meant something else entirely. It was perhaps THE single most spectacularly awesome day OF MY LIFE! And here’s why… (I strongly encourage you to grab a box of tissue and make SURE you’re sitting down, I’ll wait…)

As I was about to pull out of the drive on my way to see Leo, my infusion nurse, I received a phone call from Dr. Kao. She needed to talk to me and I told her that conveniently I would be there in about an hour. Shortly after I arrived and the infusion of pamidronate (a medication for my bones to counter the osteoporosis) she came in with her nurse. They stood on either side of me and Dr. Kao started to make some small talk but it felt somehow awkward, I would soon find out why. Next she told me that she had some news, they found a match… “WHAT?!” She repeated, “They found a match…” And then it happened, the world stopped turning and I’m quite rather certain that somehow ALL the oxygen was sucked out of the room because I couldn’t breathe. I literally burst into tears. All this waiting, thinking that as time went on the chances were less and less that a suitable donor would be found and then BAM! Seemingly out of the clear blue sky like a bolt of lightning there it was… a match…

Now many of you may recall that I had decided to put the transplant on the proverbial “back burner” until it was absolutely necessary and that’s true. The risks involved are staggering. Imagine sitting at a poker table with the Grim Reaper and your hand looks good but he has led you to believe that he has an unbeatable hand. Your ONLY option is to go all in, it’s all or nothing… It’s kinda like that. I win, I get a new lease on life. He wins, game over… Plain and simple. SO I needed to give her my answer by Tuesday and let me tell you, that was the loooooongest weekend EVER! And neither Sarah nor myself got much sleep. But in all honesty I guess I made up my mind pretty early on. I decided that if God was generous enough to gift me the gift of life not once but TWICE, what fool WOULDN’T take it?!?

I know that some of you who are very close to me have known since Friday that a match had been found. I apologize to the rest of you for taking so long to write but as you might imagine, I have had a lot to deal with over the weekend. Besides, better late then never, right? So where do we go from here? Well, I have to have some blood tests drawn in Livermore and perhaps some other tests in Palo Alto. They have to contact the donor and confirm that they want to proceed with their donation and if all goes well sometime in mid-May Sarah and I will be driving to Seattle to begin the prep work, final testing and chemo/radiation with the transplant to take place in early June. We are still going to Ireland for our twentieth anniversary and will make a trip back home (for me) to Michigan sometime in mid to late April. That’s what I know as of right now… and as usual I’ll keep you apprised of any new developments. The posts will more than likely come more frequently as things develop.

I cannot begin to thank you all enough for all your prayers and positive/healing energy but PLEASE, don’t stop now. In the weeks and months to come I’m going to need you all more than ever. This is by NO stretch of the imagination going to be fun or easy and I can’t begin to tell you how scared I am…

I love you all very dearly and I miss some of you an awful lot. Hopefully I’ll see you soon. Until then, be excellent to one another and keep praying…

Love, Tracy.

Thank you for your support.

2011-02-17T16:04:00.001-05:00

Hello again friends and neighbors, I trust that you all are warm, well fed and healthy or at least on your way to realizing these things. I already know you are loved, because I love you! There have been some interesting developments of late and a very good friend of mine is once again asking for your continued prayers and support, but I’ll get to that later. First, the developments!!!

A couple of weeks ago Dr. Kao called me, she’s an associate of Dr. Martin who sees Dr. Martins patients in Livermore. I had gone in to have blood drawn and there were a LOT of vials sitting in the rack before I left, perhaps a dozen. These were ordered by several doctors (it’s GREAT to have a “team” looking out for me!) and she wanted to go over the results of those tests. Everything looked good except for the liver function tests being high. It was nothing to cause alarm and she said it’s normal after the spleen is removed. Everything is still compensating for its loss, well the organs are, I for one am happy it’s gone! She also said that the Exjade that I take to get rid of the iron could have something to do with that so she had me stop taking it, much to my relief. That stuff tastes HORRID! In addition, the hemoglobin count was… are you ready for this? 9.7!!! Let me put that into some perspective for you, prior to the surgery in early Sept. I was receiving two units per week and hovering between 7 and 8. Since the surgery I have received two units every other month and only ONE unit on January 6^th. That means that that ONE unit has not only lasted for over a month but has helped me maintain a near 10 count! Go ahead, wipe that tear from your eye, I am too.

Also of note, the Puget Sound VA called on Monday and wanted some samples from Sarah to see if the kids could be potential donors. I am all over the place emotionally about this. I don’t want them to have to go through this, and my biggest fear is that the worst-case scenario happens and post transplant I develop Graft vs. Host disease after receiving their marrow. If I were to die as a result, would they blame themselves for that? Don’t tell me these are silly thoughts or to only focus on the best possible outcome, this is serious stuff and as such, needs to be thought out well in advance. All the potential outcomes weighed in and measured, then a decision made. Fortunately, with things going the way they are there should be plenty of time before such a decision needs to be made. The whole idea still has me more than a little uneasy…

I have started to work out in Frank’s shop a little and also in my garage, testing the wings of you will. I am nowhere ready to go back to building cabinets and furniture. Because of this I have joined a local gym and enlisted the aid and counsel of a personal trainer. I have met with him 3 times now and things are going great, albeit slow. I feel as though it’s going to be a long slow road but I am determined to see it through to the end, one grueling repetition after the other until I am as good if not better than I was before. I’m still not sure what I will do for work but I will worry about that when the time comes. First things first, I MUST get back in shape! One thing that crossed my mind while I was out at Frank’s working on a project I call the “treadle table” was this: We MUST put the time into the prep-work, lay a good solid foundation, if we don’t all anything that follows won’t be able to reach it’s full potential. So too must I lay the proper foundation for optimum health.

Yet another aspect of my long-term health is you, each and every one of you. The things you say to me, the support you give, and the prayers you offer on my behalf, all of that is a HUGE part of my recovery and my future. I cannot begin to thank you enough; all I can do is “pay it forward” to others in need. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to work anyway. I don’t think it is meant to be give and take, but that it should be spread throughout the world, passed from one to the next. I don’t think any of you do it for the thanks anyway, you wouldn’t be here if you did. I myself would make sure of that. This leads me to my very good friend Arlene’s letter to me a couple of weeks ago. I’ll simply share it here for you all to read:

Our prayers are working! I'd like to keep them going...on a more regular basis. So, at noon on Sundays I'd like you to say a prayer or think good thoughts for Tracy and his family. I bought a candle in a glass (found in the Hispanic section of the grocery store), and decorated it with pictures of Tracy to light on Sundays. Starting at noon, if we're home, I'll keep it lit and say a prayer or think good thoughts for Tracy and his family every time I see the candle. That's my commitment for as long as it takes for Tracy to live longer than 15 years. Please join me in praying for a healing for Tracy. Every time you think of him please picture him old and playing with his grandchildren and going to their college graduations. We can make a difference!

Thanks, Arlene

I’m asking you to help Arlene help me. I simply can’t do this alone, I need your help, your prayers, and just a little of your time every Sunday. If that time doesn’t work for you, pick another time and stick with it each and every week. Just like those commercials where the price of a cup of coffee a day could feed and clothe an orphaned child in a faraway land only I’m not a child, nor even a stranger in a faraway land and I don’t want you to send any money (although if you REALLY want to… just kidding). I just want you continued love and support and for you to visualize a future with me in it…

Thank you. Truly, deeply, honestly… thank you.

Love, Tracy.

New year, new beginnings.

2011-01-05T16:10:00.000-05:00

Hello again everyone, I’m still here… As most of you know, I went in for surgery on the 7^th of September to have my spleen removed. I intended to write MUCH sooner and to keep you all informed but, I was pretty nervous prior to the surgery and since then my brain has been in a real fog. I am told it’s a common side effect of the cocktail of drugs they used to knock me out for the surgery and then to control the pain afterwards. I’d like to crack some sort of joke about drugs but that stuff just ain’t funny!

Anywho, back to the spleen. The surgeons tried to remove it laparoscopically through three small incisions about ½-1 inch long through which they inserted various tools and cameras. At some point I’m told (remember, I was higher than Sputnik!) that the spleen started to roll onto their tools after some of the “disconnections” were made. This resulted in their tools and camera being hindered and holes were poked in the spleen as a result which then caused bleeding inside. Not cool… So, the decision was made to make a much larger incision and get it out quickly. Although this was not in the plan, they had warned me this would be a very real possibility due to the size of the spleen. And speaking of spleen size, a healthy spleen should be about the size of your fist and weigh in the neighborhood of ½ a pound. Mine was around 12 inches long and weighed over 15 pounds!!! Normally it’s tucked under the left side of the diaphragm, mine started there and extended all the way down into my pelvis. The spleen is an organ that creates lymphocytes for the destruction and recycling of old red-blood cells. The spleen is also a blood reservoir and is the location where white blood cells trap organisms. Given all that it’s not hard to figure out just where two units of blood a week were going…

Well, no matter anymore as the spleen is LONG gone! It was an amazing experience (and not just because of the drugs!) and I met some amazingly talented and compassionate people along the way. People like my surgeons Dr. Tedesco and Dr. Eisenberg, and RN Austin Balk in the ICU, that dude was super cool! It also showed me just how involved and caring my hematologist Dr. Martin is. She was not involved in the surgery itself but was monitoring me throughout the day and after the surgery she insisted that I be moved from the “step-down” unit, where one nurse (sorta) watches over 4-5 patients in a large room, to the ICU where I received round the clock care from people like Austin. It’s wonderful to know that when you can’t BE in control, there are caring compassionate people who can and WILL step in on your behalf.

So where does this leave me? Well for starters I was transfused one unit of blood post-op when I was discharged on the 14^th of September. Since then I received two more units on November 2^nd, nearly two months later! For those of you keeping track, that’s a dramatic improvement from two a week to two in almost 8 weeks. Hallelujah!!! It has also left me with a TON of energy and a renewed commitment to get out there and LIVE! The only thing really slowing me down is the loss of muscle that resulted from so much inactivity over the course of the past three years. Wow, three years… has it REALLY been almost three years? And to think that the first specialist I saw gave me only that long to live. I’m glad that he was wrong on THAT ONE!!! Now, since having the splenectomy, Dr. Martin says that I may have in the neighborhood of 15 years. This is of course an estimate as only God knows for sure, but I’ll take it! She is hopeful, as are the rest of us, that new ways to treat Myelofibrosis can be found in that time and progress is being made all the time. Just the other day a friend sent me a link to a news article stating that a team of Canadian scientists has found a way to turn a person's skin into blood. The method uses cells from a patch of a person's skin, their new method can create enough blood for a transfusion from a four by three centimeter (1.6 by 1.2 inch) patch of adult human skin and transform it into blood that is a genetic match. With the ability to create blood for transfusion from a person's own skin, the advance means someday patients needing blood for surgery or to treat anemia could bypass the blood bank and derive the necessary supply from themselves. Those needing bone marrow transplants could be particularly aided by the breakthrough, according to John Kelton, dean of health sciences for McMaster University. "For all physicians, but especially for the patients and their families, the illness became more frustrating when we were prevented from giving a bone marrow transplant because we could not find a perfect donor match in the family or the community," Kelton said. "Dr. Bhatia's discovery could permit us to help this important group of patients." Sounds pretty damn good to me!!! Way to go Canadia, eh?

With all this I find myself once again at a crossroads, the paths before me are as varied and unknown as ever they have been. It’s time to make some decisions, serious decisions. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Should I go back to work, CAN I go back to work? If so, what can I do and how long can I do it? None of these questions are easy to answer, at least not for me. I don’t think I’ll be able to work as a cabinetmaker like I was before, it was just too physical and I have lost too much muscle mass to do that kind of work. There is also the question of how much can I work and keep my disability income. I’d like nothing more than to not need it but… if I can’t work a full workweek and I lost those benefits, could I get them again if I needed to? I kinda doubt it would be very easy and that would be a mess, there ARE still bills to be paid. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I don’t want to work or that my plan is to scam the man and lay about all day at Uncle Sam’s expense. The road to recovery is far from over for me and I have a fair way to travel to get there, if I ever really even do. The splenectomy was still only a bandaid, a rather effective bandaid, but ultimately still not a cure. The search continues for a bone marrow donor match so keep telling your friends and family that haven’t yet been tested, they could save a life!!!

Most of the previous text was written back in November. I have since been rather sick with the flu and dealt with some more depression. Not a very fun way to work up to the holidays. The holidays themselves were very well except that Sarah was infected with that vile flu bug the day before Christmas. Sheesh! FINALLY we caught a break after the first of the year and now we are gearing up to make 2011 the best darn year it can be for our family. We are trying to plan an extremely long overdue honeymoon to Ireland in April, the boys have been enrolled in a local martial arts school which specializes in medieval swordsmanship and knightly virtues. I see good things in their future as Connor has attacked his lessons with fervor and Kenyon continues to mature. I think some music lessons will be in store for all the kids as well as Sarah and I, some vacations, hiking, trips to the beach and maybe some whale watching! Why this very morning I went to Hearst Elementary School to help a friend who has started a book club to get the kids there reading. I sat in front of maybe 150 kids, parents and faculty and read The Little Engine That Could, all the while thinking how fitting a mantra that was for me. Those kids will never know how much the experience meant to me, not only to be able to share a timeless classic with them but also to stop and reflect for a few moments afterward on just what that story means. There is the lesson we learn about taking the time to help those in need, like the Little Blue Engine helping the train get over the mountain to bring all those toys, dolls and food to the kids in the town there as well as the lesson that if we put our minds to something and we stick to that, or persevere, we can do great things not only for ourselves, but for one another as well.

It also felt great to do something without the expectation of payment or reward, something done just to help a friend. I have been doing some research on how best to get back into the swing of working after such a lengthy struggle with a major health issue and one of the things that I have learned is not to just try to jump back onto the bandwagon but to work back into it gradually. I found suggestions like finding places to volunteer my time and work up from there, perhaps where there is not so great a commitment as being at a time clock at 9am and trying to tough it out for 8 hours 5 days a week. I think this was a great start and I’d like to look for more things that I can do. I must admit that I was more than a little nervous at first; you KNOW how vicious children can be, especially in such large numbers! They were easily tamed with some donuts beforehand and I’m certain they were well mannered to begin with. This will go down as one of my favorite things accomplished in 2011, I can’t WAIT to see what else this year has in store for me!

Until next time, stay warm, stay healthy and spread the love!

Tracy.

Farewell to an old friend…

2010-09-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

I know, I know… I’m overdue for this months update. Pray forgive me and lend me your ear while I give voice to my thoughts.
As many if not most of you know, I spent a week in the hospital after having my spleen removed. It served me well for 39-1/2 years, give or take, but in the end it just had to go. Seems that it was hoarding a good amount of the blood that was being transfused into me, that’s just not nice! So, the surgeons were notified, meetings were attended, and on October 7, 2010 I “birthed” a 15 pound 12” (give or take) spleen. In a healthy adult male it should be about the size of a fist and weigh less than half a pound. As a result of this operation I can now breathe deeply, albeit with a bit of pain with those really deep breaths, and I can EAT again! I am still convalescing at home but my progress has thus far amazed the doctors. Given another 4-6 weeks and I am hopeful that I can be in the gym with a trainer and finally shed these last few pounds. In the interim however I’ll happily “walk it off” with the dogs.
Also of note, Dr. Martin remarked that I could (hopefully) look forward to another 15 years… a full three times the expectancy given me on initial diagnosis. Praise GOD!!! I’ll take it. All this also means that we can postpone the transplant for a while. In some ways it’s like Christmas early.
With all that has transpired over the course of the past few weeks my spirits have soared and my thoughts look to the long term future for the first time in a very long time. I have even thought about what I might do work-wise and my thoughts have led me to research what classes I would need to take to become an architect. I think I’d rather drive a desk than swing a hammer or carry cabinets. Perhaps this will even rekindle my love of woodworkinig as I could do it for myself and not for someone else.
I’d really like to add something deeply meaningful and inspirational, maybe even thought provoking, but I honestly just don’t have it in me. There have been fleeting thoughts of things to write about but I think the narcotic pain killers fried my brain just a bit. Maybe next month. Till then, y’all stay healthy and behave.

A year in the life.

2010-08-03T15:58:00.002-04:00

Just over a year ago today, with all our worldly possessions, my family and I set out to make a 2000 mile plus journey across the heart of this great nation. Journeying toward a new beginning, or perhaps just a new chapter in our lives. I could scarcely have imagined where I would be one year later, the path I have taken, or the choices I have made. I still face death every day. With its constant reminders it never lets me forget - I dare not forget lest it overtake me. But it will NEVER define me and I will never cower in fear of it. If it is to happen then what can we really do to stop it? Should we even TRY to stop it? Some pretty deep philosophical stuff there… Speaking of deep philosophical stuff, I’d like to share with you part of a conversation that I had on my FaceBook page with a new friend. It started when I randomly posted a “status update” that said this “God does not give us more than we can handle, He gives us enough so we will turn everything over and trust in Him.” It prompted this friend to comment that he used to believe that but not so much anymore. That he had a hard time believing that God had a hand in our everyday lives and that he decided how much each one of us could “handle”. He went on to ask if anyone else felt this way sometimes. The following three paragraphs are my response.

I didn't used to think that God had much time for little ol Tracy. After all, what did I matter in the grand scheme of things? I suppose ...one could argue that I have been led to this place in my life to be the one to say such words as might get us all thinking again. Our culture seems to be one of everything must be hand fed to us by wiser, smarter people nowadays... But I'm not sure if I buy into all that either.

At this point in my life I have to believe in SOMETHING and I have bounced around testing other spiritual waters with my toe and nothing was of a "comfortable" temperature to me. See, I lived my life according to what I thought was right and I thought that I didn't NEED to do it for some higher power. I was/am smart enough to know what is right and what is wrong. I suppose a lot of my hesitation in turning to "God" lie in the fact that by and large the majority of people that I encountered that were "Christian" behaved in ways that were VERY un-Christian like to me, ergo why would I want to be counted among them? Having exposed myself to myriad other religious philosophies there are a host of redeeming qualities about each of them and by and large I still use the best of those parts today.

I guess I don't believe that God has a hand in everything that I do. After all, he did give me free will right? What would be the point in giving someone free will and then "guiding" their every move? For me, I think that I have to believe that as a generally "good" person, there simply HAS to be some reason for me to have something as horrible as cancer... I don't know if this is a test, an awakening, or a call to action... I honestly don't know why it happened but I suppose that when faced with death one needs to have a reason why one should die. For example: I am old and my body is just worn out. I am a soldier fighting for a good cause. I have a terminal disease and it has given me a sense of faith in a higher power so that I might find my voice and maybe help others find a sense of purpose to their lives.

Pretty deep stuff for a Monday evening eh? But I think that it came about because this is the time I am capable and willing to take it on. To open it up, dissect it, look at it from a few different points of view and formulate a well thought out reply. I hope that was conveyed.

I also received some more “political crap” emails that sort of set me off. I’m getting very tired of people passing along things that are at best disrespectful of who the President is and the tasks he faces on a daily basis. We should all know by now that no matter who sits in that chair in the oval office they simply can’t please everyone. I get that some of you are upset, that you feel like you are getting royally screwed by “the man” but seriously, does passing along an email that simply makes no sense or posting a link on your FaceBook about how he is not attending ceremonies in Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial day or going to the Boy Scout Jamboree help in any way? Does it make any of us feel better about our present situation? Be honest… I didn’t think so.

A while ago, around Memorial Day I think, I asked if anyone could name one thing that he had done that was “good” in his or her opinion. The answers I got thoroughly appalled me. No one even really tried! Those that did respond simply spouted off things that were good because he hadn’t done them or that had been shot down by the rest of the politicians in Washington. These people failed to even try to grasp what I was asking but instead used it as an opportunity to try to condemn someone they have never even met and in fact, know very little about. It honestly makes me sad that people base their opinion of someone solely on their political affiliation or what they think they are trying to do based on what the media tells them.

I think most of us need to take a step back and take a long hard look at how we treat other people, how we base our opinions of one another, and what is really important to us as a whole. For example, Republicans tell us that the government wants to take away our guns, while Democrats tell us that they want to nationalize health care. So by this rationale alone, and taking into account no other factors, how should I vote? I certainly don’t want to lose my second amendment rights but being very sick and not knowing whether or not I would be able to pay my medical bills that national health care thing sounds pretty good. Maybe I’ll just fight for my guns later, if I’m still alive… See what I mean? It’s not so easy, and it raises the question of just how much value do some people place on MY life when I can’t afford insurance and nationalized health care is not such a good idea in the opinions of some. That they don’t want to pay for someone else’s hospital bills… Well hell, maybe I DO need to fight for my right to bear arms so I can take out as many as I can before I die of cancer, but in the mean time, I think I’ll just pass along another ridiculous email slandering someone who is trying to help me because it’s the “easy way” to go about things and it makes me feel like I had my say… In reality you didn’t say a darned thing, and THAT’S the bottom line!

Going through the motions

2010-07-20T10:23:00.000-04:00

How many times have each of us used that phrase and how many different meanings can it have? Well for the past month and a half or so that would best describe how I have been living my life in every aspect. See, there’s a lot going on in my head and trying to sort through it all, or even part of it, can be at times exhausting. It’s during times like these that I take a step back from life, time to disconnect and just go through the motions. I get up, eat and do all the things that are necessary to sustain life but you could scarcely call it living. I think that we all need to once in a while, when the walls feel like they’re closing in… when life just seems like a little more than we can bear. I am fortunate to have a wonderful wife that gets that and is willing to give me some space, and some time, to recoup my strength that I may live on to fight the good fight another day.

The doctors have been trying to convince me that having my spleen removed is a “good thing” and that it can be beneficial, even reduce my need for the transfusions from once a week to maybe monthly or even less. That’s a strong case, seeing as I am rather tired of being “poked” with needles. I have, up till now, been rather reluctant to have it removed though I can’t tell you why exactly. Part of me I guess thought that if God put it there, I MUST need it! And yet another part of me I suppose didn’t want to face the fact that things had gotten to the point that removing it was necessary. At any rate, it has of late been causing me some significant discomfort and I am ready for it to be gone. Sarah and I meet with the surgeons on Thursday to discuss the procedure and it’s inherent risks. Wish me luck; I’m more than a little nervous and anxious about this to say the least.

So, what sort of things can breathe new life into us when we are going through the motions, can give us cause once again to tune into our surroundings and take note of what is going on? For me it has been getting back into racing my remote controlled cars. Kenyon bought one with his birthday money and boys being boys, he was a little rough with it and it needed repairs. We went to the hobby shop to acquire the parts necessary and while talking to the technician I asked if there was a track in the area. He informed me that in fact there was and it’s only a quarter of a mile from the shop. After some preliminary investigative work, we stopped by on a Saturday and talked to a few of the racers. Seems as though my cars, the ones I raced to moderate success while in the service, are rather old and out of touch with the current generation of racers. Well, for the time being they are going to have to do, that is until they can be replaced. Kenyon’s truck, being recently purchased is already up to snuff so he is ready to race but mine need a little work, to put it politely. Connor will also need one but we’ll work with what Dad has for now. The best part is that it has given me a reason to go out into the garage and get away from the tv. It has given me cause to reconnect with the world around me. Stay tuned and hang on… I like to go fast!!!

Until next month, do what you have to do to survive, even if it’s just going through the motions…

The Little Things

2010-06-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

Well, first for the health news. I met with Dr. Martin again this week, had a few more tests done or redone. I am feeling good overall and the numbers have stayed up. After talking with her we agreed that I would start back on the Danazol again and see if it really was helping. I am convinced that I just overexerted myself visiting with family and friends in early April. Totally my fault. She has also left it up to me when I decide to come in and get blood transfusions and how many units. We also further discussed the splenectomy and I will be meeting with the surgeons in the near future. I am more than a little nervous about this, once it’s done there simply is no spleen anymore and I’m not sure how I feel about that… not to mention the risks associated with the surgery.

Now, on to the little things. We are all acutely aware of how the little things in life can and do affect us. All little things can set the pace or tone for our entire day. It’s funny how the little things seem to attract their own kind too. Once one little thing goes wrong in the morning it seems like every little thing that happens is “bad”. Likewise when our day starts out good it seems like all the little things that happen are good. The best part is when we are having one of those days that seems to attract bad little things and someone comes along and says or does that one little thing that turns it all around. They hold a door, flash a smile, or tell you how well your kids are behaving (as if I need someone to tell me… LOL!). The point is all it takes is one little thing to make or break someone’s mood. Why then is it so hard for us to do the nice little things for someone else? Does it really matter that the person is a complete stranger? I certainly don’t think so…

It’s funny how many of us treat complete strangers better than those we love sometimes too. How many of us will open or hold a door at a restaurant or the library for a complete stranger but not open the door for our spouse? How many of us will say hello or goodbye to those we work with at the office or tell the cashier at the supermarket to “Have a nice day” or “Have a great weekend!” and yet not even tell our wife or husband hello after they get home from a long day at work? Sometimes we take little things for granted and sometimes that can add up to a HUGE thing. I don’t need to tell you where THAT can lead. The weekend is upon us so I urge you all to do some little things for someone you love, and for someone you have never even met. Who knows, you may even make a friend for life or you could even save a person’s life. Those little things ALL have the potential to become GREAT things, it’s all up to you… what will YOU do with them?

Looking deep inside

2010-05-31T00:33:00.000-04:00

Well, I have some more news from the Hematologist. She called last week and we talked about the size of my spleen (it is still getting bigger) and she also said she heard from the folks in Seattle. They have narrowed the search down to a group of people and gotten the DNA matching done. I’d assume that this is why they needed samples from Mom and Dad… Although this by no means indicates that they have a match, they are a LOT closer and progress is being made. This has caused a bit of a stir in the house as the reality of the transplant taking place has drawn even closer now. I have told you all before what a big deal this is and the risks involved… it’s certainly not the ideal situation but the best option as the only other option is to do nothing and wait for the end… Sucks but what’s a fella to do? I am getting weekly transfusions to try to get the count back up to a better level. I am still of the mind that it’s directly related to my overexertion hiking up mountains, but what do I know? -rolls eyes- I guess time will tell…

In other news, my friend Todd (he was the best man in my wedding) is flying back to Phoenix from Dubai, and Sarah and I are going to drive down to visit with him for a couple days. We have not seen him since our tour in the Air Force. It’s been too long friend, WAY too long! Also while we’re down in that neck of the woods we are going to meet with our new FaceBook friend Maddie. This will be the first real life meeting with her but I know it will go well, she’s good people.

And now on to the meat of this update, a look deep inside. I have been getting a lot of emails lately extolling the shortcomings of our current President and quite frankly, it makes me sad. Why you ask? Because people are saying so many bad things about a person they know nothing about. Do any of us know him? Have any of us ever been President, or even a Congressman for that matter? And just how does passing along an email with such negativity really accomplish anything? Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m just as fed up and disgusted with the way things are going as the next dude, but this is no way to fix our problems… We have to band together and put silly differences and labels aside. We have to try to affect REAL CHANGE! The fact of the matter is, he IS the President and like it or not he WILL be for a few more years. The problems we as a nation face are complicated and numerous and with all the people that are in office, whether Congressmen, or Representatives, the President or what have you, there is no easy solution. If you think there is, by all means please share it with the rest of us. We could sure use it about now… And for the record, passing along silly emails is NOT what I’m talking about. What I mean to say is that maybe we should all take a look deep inside and see what changes we can make in ourselves and work outward from there. I for one know I can be a better person, and not talking bad about someone I don’t even know is a good start. Next I think I’ll write a few letters and let my elected officials know how I feel. I have never done this before but it’s time for a change and it has to start somewhere, right? I know some of us get VERY emotional about some of these things but we have to find some common ground and be willing to compromise. We’re not all bad, some of us are just different and that makes us AMERICAN!

There was a time not so long ago when this country faced another economic crisis and we all set aside our differences and worked for the greater good. I know that was a different generation but surely we cannot have lost all that they learned in just 70 years, can we? When does it stop being about money and start being about helping one another? I have seen my fair share of “brotherly love” in the past couple of years, both giving and receiving, and it’s a very powerful thing. There is no greater gift to share than to give of oneself, whether it’s some food, an old tent you no longer have a use for, helping someone pay their bills, or just lending an ear to a friend or family member in need…

Look deep inside and see what you can do, I know I will.

A slight detour.

2010-04-22T03:24:00.001-04:00

So, a few weeks ago I started drafting this months update and it was actually going well. Then Sarah and I took a week to entertain some guests from the Midwest and set things aside for a bit. As most of you know, I celebrated my 39th birthday and Sarah and I celebrated our 19th anniversary. (If you didn’t know, that was not a vain attempt at fishing for late responders. It’s ok, really)

First we had Becky (my sister), her son Seth and Jeff her boyfriend here for a few days and as they were on the plane flying home the Kauffman’s arrived and we entertained them for several days too. Fun was had by all. Afterward I went in for my next scheduled transfusion last Thursday and my count (hemoglobin) was 4.6 and that is the lowest it has ever been. The nurse who does my transfusions called the doctor and they scheduled an appointment for this past Monday and another transfusion for Tuesday. She (Dr. Kao) is of the opinion that the disease is progressing and the drugs (Danazol) are no longer working effectively. The spleen, which has been bothering me more and more, should NOT be taken out as the operation would prove too risky and is not in her opinion warranted at this time. Things are starting to look a little grim from my perspective…

Look, things were just starting to settle down and I was relaxing into a comfortable pace and quality of life out here and then this news hits me. As you may imagine, I have been somewhat of a wreck the past few days. Seems as if most, if not all of the progress I had made has all been for naught. I’m growing tired of this game and I don’t want to play anymore…

I’m sorry if any of this brings you down and I wish with all my heart that I had better news to share, something witty to say, or meaningful wisdom to impart… but I don’t. All my brain power is used just to get out of bed lately and there are times when even that is not enough. I am sure, given time that things will improve but for now, this is the best I can muster.

A Leap of Faith

2010-03-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

So I was standing in church this morning listening to the band and singing along (and singing rather well I must say) I had a sort of epiphany. See, I have been struggling with finding my faith because I had lots of questions and I found myself unable to just swallow some huge horse pill that had been prescribed to me by some all knowing preacher. But then I came to Harvest Community Church and it wasn’t like that. That is to say that nothing was presented to me in a take it or leave it manner, but since I have been going there every Sunday that I am there it’s like God is speaking directly to me, albeit it through one of the pastors.
Then this morning I awoke with the feeling that everything was going to be ok, with a feeling of peace and contentment if you will. It didn’t just stop there either, it spread from me to Sarah and we just felt great! When we got to church a short while later and I was standing there singing, and I guess you could say worshipping, I had a thought. Perhaps it was God speaking to me, I don’t know. What I DO know is that it occurred to me that in order to have faith as a Christian I had to accept the whole thing. I had to make a leap of faith, but in doing so I would not be alone. I had a vision of sorts I suppose. In this vision I was at a place where I had to decide to take that step into the unknown, or what was unknown to me at least, and I had doubts and questions and all these other concerns and I was afraid. But I was not alone. There were all these other people there too. People I knew and that I trusted completely, and those closest to me told me that if I were to take those first few tentative steps with such a burden on my back that surely I would not make it. Like falling through the ice I would simply be too heavy and my faith (the ice) would not hold me up but if I would just let them take this or that off my shoulders they would walk beside me and help me should I falter. That as a group, a community, we could share in these burdens and none would be left behind. They also made it clear that some of those burdens would not be necessary as we journeyed onward and they could simply be left here.
And so I handed off some of those burdens to be cast aside as trivial and unnecessary and still others I let those that I trust take on, even if only in part, and I took those first tentative steps… that leap of faith and I have to tell you, it sure feels good to know that I am in such good company. I have found my path and it is leading me home.
Thanks for helping to shoulder my load and may God bless you as he has blessed me.

Peace, Tracy.

Happiness

2010-03-06T11:03:00.005-05:00

I like to talk about happiness this month. But first, lets ask ourselves a question. What does it mean to BE happy?

I put this question to a few people and got a myriad of responses. Thanks to those that responded, I appreciate the help. What I got was a myriad of responses but with a certain commonality to them. This question it seems is not so easy for folks to answer and it requires a lot of thought. I sort of expected this to be a no brainer, a slam dunk if you will so the fact that they had to put so much thought into it and the depth of the answers I got back… well quite frankly surprised me!

See, we as a people are VASTLY different from one another. Sure some of us share certain things in common and perhaps that draws us to one another, but we’re still different. So I guess it only stands to reason that what makes us each happy, as individuals, should therefore also be vastly different. Add to that the fact that we are all in different places in our lives, have had different life altering experiences if you will and PRESTO! It’s as plain as the nose on your face.

Now factor in that we all communicate best in various ways and you get things like plain English such as:

Happy= "enough" of basic things- enough money to meet my needs, enough food
in my house, enough peace in my life....it doesn't require me not to have
any drama or anxiety or whatever, and I don't have to have tons of EXTRA
money, but I am happy when things are just fine....

Or perhaps a more spiritual viewpoint like:

What is happiness? Being happy, is being content with who and what you are, with what you have. Why aren't more people happy? Because they are never happy with what they have. They are always looking for the next best thing, or wanting what someone else has. This is why the poorest and lowliest of us can be more happy than the richest of us.

Or:

Happiness. This word means so many things to me... Joy, Peace, Calm and Contentment to name a few. Your life can be in complete chaos and yet you can have happiness in your heart. It's a state of mind.

And still others will express themselves through the words of others like this:

I think that a poem by Priscilla Leonard might help convey what happiness means to me. Here is a part of that poem. "Happiness is like a crystal, Fair and exquisite and clear, Broken in a million pieces, Shattered, scattered far and near... ...Yet the wise as on they journey Treasure every fragment clear, Fit them as they may together, Imaging the shattered sphere, Learning ever to be thankful, Though their share of it is small; For it has so many pieces No one ever finds them all." Happiness for me means treasuring the million fragments that comprise my life. Some of those fragments have had very sharp edges, but I believe that everything that happens in my life is kismet and as my life continues toward it's end, hopefully I will remain happy with myself. There are no "do-overs".

While I would express myself through my photographs:

The facts are, as I in my infinite wisdom see them, that happiness is a good many things to a good many people and that they express their happiness in a multitude of ways depending upon a variety of factors. I think we should all celebrate our happiness and that of others. You see, some people really struggle with finding happiness and keeping it. You probably know someone right now that is not “happy” for whatever reason. How then can you help them to “be” happy? A phone call perhaps, maybe a handwritten letter or send them a few photos or poems. Maybe just tell them in plain English that they are part of what makes YOU happy. You certainly can’t MAKE them happy, but what you can do is walk beside them while they look for it, maybe even carry them for a ways. The important thing is that you are there for them. It is in reaching out to one another when we know that someone is not where they want to be whether it be physical pain, sadness and depression, loneliness, loss/grief… Just as there are a huge variety of things that can make each of us happy there are also a huge variety of things that can bring us down. But! Together we can, and WILL see each other through. This I KNOW to be true.

Now to switch gears just a bit for some medical news. The spleen continues to grow and I have lost more weight. I still have plenty or reserves so no worries, YET! The doctors have basically left it up to me to decide when it will need to come out and I am holding out until the bitter end. I guess I feel that God put it there for a reason and even though other organs can pick up the slack if it were gone, I still feel it ought to stay put and do its job. Help is on the way though, maybe… I met with the hematologist last week and there may be a clinical trial at Stanford University that I can possibly get into. It would be for a medication that she feels could reduce the size of the spleen. Fingers crossed…

Also of note and as some of you already know, I went to the emergency room twice last month. To say that it was unpleasant would be a severe understatement. The first visit was initiated when I went to the doctor to try to get something for this dang cold (turns out it was the flu coupled with bronchitis) and the nurse found my blood pressure to be rather low. The VA, where I was seeing my doctor, sent me to the ER at one of the local downtown hospitals where my blood pressure was then fine if perhaps even a little elevated… *sigh* Anyway, it was two days before my scheduled transfusion, and in the course of all their tests they discovered that my blood count was very low (nothing new to me) but they have to do what they have to do I suppose. Three days in the hospital, two bags of IV antibiotics, and five units of blood later they let me go… I suppose it’s really not so bad, it was only two wasted days as I would have had to spend the day at the VA getting blood anyway but it was a lot of stress on Sarah and the kids not to mention the in-laws that had kids dropped on them. It was of great comfort to see the emergency response system that is my network of family and friends at work. Thanks to all who stepped up to the plate whether watching kids or just sending me words of encouragement. You are ALL very much loved.

The second trip was the day after Valentines day after I had been vomiting all day along with some rather nasty stuff coming out the “other” end. Sarah was worried and called the advice nurse at the VA and she told Sarah to take me to the ER. They basically just rehydrated me with two huge bags of saline… after sitting in the waiting room for countless hours on end. It is what it is I guess. Another life experience, though one I would rather not relive!

So add all that up and the fact that I missed a couple of appointments with my counselor and Tracy goes back into depression. Not fun! That would be the biggest reason that you did not get an update last month. Sorry if that caused you any concern, it was all kind of out of my control. All seems to be back to normal though, or at least as close to normal as it gets around here. I am still looking to the future, to the transplant and what life will bring me after. I’m not sure if I will be able to do what I did before or not so I have been putting some thought into just what else I might like to do career wise. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I also picked up the camera the other day and snapped a few shots of some goats, cows, and a really cool rock outcropping so check out the Flickr page in the near future for those. http://www.flickr.com/photos/woodaholic/

Finally, we said goodbye to our dear friend Rocket the minivan last month. She took us on many grand adventures from the U.P. of Michigan to the East Coast and Washington D.C. and finally she brought us across the country to our new home. I suppose the only thing missing was a trip down south to make the four winds happy. We have replaced her with a similarly capable vehicle in Bullet. She’s a 2005 Chevrolet Suburban (only two wheel drive, no snow here *huge smile*) that seats eight, has more power gadgets and doo-dads than even I can figure out how to work and best of all, has a thundering V-8 beating under the hood. I can’t WAIT to see where she’ll take us… Perhaps a trip to the PNW (Pacific North West) is in order, or maybe the Grand Canyon… I think a weekend retreat for our anniversary is in order first though. 19 years this coming April. Love you Schmoopy!!!

Also of note, my sister and her posse will be visiting us as well as the Kauffmans (Kauffmen?) for spring break so all my west coast people beware, we’re partying Midwest style for my birthday this year! Details to follow…

Well, as always I hope this finds you all well and should it not, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you would send some prayers to Delilah, Clark, and my friend Veronica’s dad who are fighting their own personal 800 pound gorillas. Thanks.

Peace, love and happiness, whatever that means to you. ;-)

Tracy

Ps. Thanks to all who gave of their time and their thoughts to help make this post possible. You are a big part of what makes ME happy! :-)

Another rung up the ladder

2010-01-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, Sarah and I took a little trip Tuesday night up to Seattle. I have agonized for days on what transpired and just how to pass along the information I got there. Today my thinking is like this: I got next to nothing out of the trip. Yeah, that’s what I said, nothing. It honestly feels like the things the doctor said undid all the work that I had done in shoring up my emotions. I know that was not the purpose or what they intended, but that is how it feels. The doctor gave me numbers, and quite good ones too, of over 50% success rates and less then 13% mortality rates but… that was in a very recent study not even published yet and it dealt with generally older patients who got a much less aggressive chemo routine that they will likely not be using with me… fat lot of good that does me eh?

Then we talked with the social worker about what our stay there would be like. It won’t be fun by any stretch of the imagination. 3-4 weeks of testing to include yet ANOTHER bone marrow biopsy, 2-4 weeks in the bone marrow transplant ward of the hospital, followed by daily visits back to the hospital from an apartment where no-one can come to visit, where we cannot have pets, plants or anything that resembles a normal life. That should taper off to once a week visits and if, IF things go well I may get to come home early where they would like for us to not have the dogs. And there will still be plenty of doctor visits with Dr. Martin here in California. I suppose that is the one shining light in all this, they had really good things to say about her, and the fact that she is following me is a huge plus in all this and may help in my being able to come home early.

I knew from the start this wouldn’t be a party, but it has come full force into the forefront now. Just how much I am going to have to endure and what Sarah will be going through too. THAT hurts me more than anything else in all this, the fact that others should have to deal with it too. I have apologized before and people tell me there is no need but they all need to understand that does little to change the way I feel. I have tried to justify why this happened to ME. What did I do to deserve this? The truth is, there is nothing I did or could ever do to deserve this, and neither do any of you reading this deserve to have to read my words of pain and anguish. But it is what it is, right? I cannot see my way around this, neither over nor under it. My life is on the other side of it and if I want that life, I must go through this and claim it as my own, such that it is. Who knows, maybe I’ll just be one of the lucky ones that licks this completely and shows them all what life is really all about!

There is still no word on a donor match and in truth; they may never even find one and all of this may be for nothing. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I would like to thank those of you who have already signed up to be a donor. I would also ask that even if you aren’t a match for me, you stick with it and maybe you can be a match for someone else. It truly is the gift of life and we all know just how precious THAT is.

I suppose with time, I will feel better about all this. But for now, it just plain SUCKS!

Dreams

2010-01-07T23:18:00.001-05:00

I’d like to take some time this month to talk to you about dreams. Not the toss and turn at night kind that wake you from a dead sleep or the ones where the dog barks and wakes you up and you try desperately for an hour to go back to sleep to get back into it kind, although those ARE some pretty good ones aren’t they? No, I’m talking about the dreams that give you reason to get up in the morning on the weekend. The ones that make you go to work and deal with all those people that you can’t stand because you know that you have something to look forward to at the end of the day, or for your retirement. The ones that give you HOPE!

For too long now I have given up on my dreams. I always wanted a little farm that if nothing else could provide my family with food that was fresh and free of all the “commercial” worries. I was well on my way to seeing that dream come to fruition. Not so much anymore. But, even though I am in a different place and far removed from what I know, why must I let go of that dream all together?

I also had dreamed of being a professional furniture maker. I had built several pieces for the cabinet shops I worked for and they turned out really well. Not because I had access to big fancy powerful tools, or someone else to do the undesirable things like sanding, but because I am GOOD at it. I CAN make good quality furniture. Now the majority of my power tools are gone, sold because there isn’t room at the new house for them. But as I said, I don’t need those tools to do it. What I need is in ME! It’s a fire that burns hotter and hotter every day and there are only two choices for me. First, I can simply put out that fire and live with soggy ashes and smoldering coals to remind me of what I had dreamed of. Conversely I can choose to stoke that fire and use it as a furnace to get the things done that I want to. To make my dreams reality!

Now onto the health stuff as there is big news there. I received a phone call last night from Kathy at the Puget Sound VA facility. We discussed what days would be good for Sarah and I to come up there and talk to the doctor and tour the facility. This is really going to happen now, isn’t it? This is the first step towards finally ending this nightmare, of being disease free… one way or the other. But along with that I get all these emotions roiling inside me. Fear- this could be the first step down the path to my ultimate demise. Anxiety- this is NOT going to be an easy road to travel by ANY stretch of the imagination. Joy- things are finally moving forward, even if it’s not a journey I want to take it’s one that must be taken. At least we’re moving! Excitement- I am going to meet new people, see new things, have new experiences, and God willing I will finally be done with this. It is my sincere hope that I have learned the lessons that He has set forth for me during this trial. I have learned SO much but I wonder, could I have done more, should I have? I suppose only time will tell.

Sarah, the kids and I enjoyed a wonderful trip to Disneyland right after Christmas with Sarah’s Dad and Step-mom. They are SUCH incredibly wonderful people I cannot begin to tell you. I can honestly say that was a trip my family and I will NEVER forget! It was so wonderful to see them all so happy, especially given all that we have been through in the past two years. I realized after the first day that during my time down there I had completely forgotten about being sick, about having cancer… and I can tell you that that is far more precious than any gift I could have been given. Thank you Frank and Sharon, I love you.

Well, that’s about all I have for now. I would love to hear from any and all of you, especially the ones furthest away from me and the ones I have not spoken to in a long time. Tell me what YOUR dreams are, what fuels your inner fire! Put pen to paper, fingers to keys, or pick up the phone. It’s a whole new year overflowing with possibilities, what will YOU do with it?

Peace, Tracy.

From another's point of view.

2009-12-19T22:21:00.002-05:00

What follows is a post on a friends Blog. Sarah went to school with this woman and her husband has cancer too. I think this will give you all a glimpse of how it affects those that are closest to someone with cancer. I thought it would be beneficial for you to see this from another perspective since all I can really talk about is what I feel, and how it affects me. Please feel free to comment afterwards with any thoughts or experiences you may have had in dealing with this, it just may help me, Clark, or our wives to cope with this. You could just make someone's day a whole lot brighter simply by letting them know they are not alone...

Be at peace,
Tracy

From my perspective. In the last year I have watched my husband get sick, lose his hair and try to muddle through the indignities of cancer and the treatment that is needed to survive.

Watching him lose the hair on his head, lose his eyebrows, eyelashes and patches of hair other places was hard. Clark said at times he felt like a mutant.

When we had to use disability passes at places where there was excessive standing like Disneyland, Clark did not want to use the pass. However in the beginning many months ago, he tired so easily it was a necessity.

This time, Clark had his hair back and some energy. We got the handicap pass but he was determined not to use it.

To me there was no sign of being sick, until...

Someone asked me about the burn marks visible on Clark's neck.

I got mad. Silly I know, but Clark had just ended several weeks of radiation. I know he had suffered enough from the indignities of cancer and now he had his hair back, but his journey with cancer was still visible.

I wanted to say it was anything but cancer. Somehow I wanted to scream what business is it of yours, instead I mumbled on how it was the effects of radiation treatment for cancer.

I think I am ready for Clark to be cancer free. I am ready to have the doctor tell Clark he is a cancer survivor.

I can only pray for all those who have suffer from the indignities of cancer because it must simply suck.

What follows is the comment I left on her Blog:

Every time I go to the VA and they check my blood pressure they tell me my heart rate is elevated... Well DUH! It's uphill all the way into the clinic I tell them... I have asked the doctor to get me the paperwork so I can get a handicap hanger for the car and use the spots up front, maybe not have to walk so far... up a hill...

It IS hard to accept that though, I know from experience. The worst part for me is that people don't SEE a person with cancer. They see a thirty something man that for all intents and purposes looks healthy as can be. I have even had doctors and nurses tell me that I can keep working or where there are jobs available. I try to be polite because I know that they cannot know what it is like to walk up a flight of stairs in your own home and have to lie down for 10-15 minutes and catch your breath, waiting for a raging pulse to slow down before you can go tuck your children into bed...

Sucks doesn't even BEGIN to come close to describing it. The worst part is being mad as hell at what has happened and not one person on my journey with cancer has been able to tell me how or why I got this. I have even been to two University level facilities where cancers are studied and not one single person, not ONE has asked me a single question about what I may have been exposed to, how I have lived my life, nothing at all to do with how I may have gotten this. I have all this rage that builds up and absolutely no outlet for it. So... I cry, like a lot! It helps a little, for a little while, but then it comes back again...

Stay strong, you and Clark too and tell him when I go to Disneyland I won't get a handicap pass either, in honor of our mutual struggle.

Peace and love,
T.

An anniversary to forget.

2009-12-15T00:34:00.001-05:00

Boy did December ever sneak up on me this year! I realized that I was a little behind on updating you all about a week ago but I have been struggling with what to say. And then there was today… The realization hit me that it was the middle of December in 2007 that I first went to the doctor at a couple of my Aunts’ requests, or rather insistence. Boy did my life change after that fateful visit. Now here I am two years later and over half a continent away from the place I have know as home for so very many years. In the past two years I have spent way more time in doctors offices and hospitals than I would ever have imagined, received well over two hundred units of blood and made some of the most difficult decisions that I have ever had to make. But truth be told, that is all in the past. Nothing I can do can ever change what has happened. It is what it is. I have learned to look at life with a whole new perspective though. I search for the positive in all things and I wish that I could bottle that up and give it to the whole world, what a wonderful place this would be if I could do that for the world...

So, on to the nitty gritty of the past month. I have been back on the Danazol for over a month now. The tests have all been done and things are set on the VA’s end for me to proceed with the transplant. I just had a wonderful visit with the hematologist today and there is some great news. My ferritin level is right around 2700. Normal is 1000 but just about a month or so ago it was over 7000! Ferritin is a protein in the body that binds to iron, which has been in excess in my system due to the numerous transfusions. The doctor didn’t seem too excited by that but I was nearly in tears. See, in such a situation as I have found myself in over the past two years even the smallest victories are magnified a thousand fold or more. Add that to my penchant for looking for the good in all situations and that makes for one happy Tracy! I am still waiting for word from the folks in Seattle to set an appointment to go talk to them about what they have to offer by way of the transplant. What are there odds, their success rates, mortality rates and so forth. Basically, what can we expect from this and how will it all go down. I tell you true, if I could start that process tomorrow I would in a heartbeat just to be done with it. It would seem that it is the only option left to me, so let’s get on with it!

In some very closely related news I have had lots of people tell me that they have “done the swab” and are registering for the Marrow Donor Program. To those of you who have done so, I send out the warmest and most sincere, heartfelt thank you that I could ever put forth. You have no idea how my heart swells with the most absolute joy when I read those words. I know that to most people it may not seem like much but for someone in my position it serves to reinforce that even those that I have never met love me in the purest sense of the word. I salute you and I send that love right back to you. I think that is the very nature of love. You simply cannot keep it. It does you absolutely no good to put it in your pocket and it has no value unless you give it freely to another. But when you do, oh the joy it can fill you with!

Additionally I would like to leave you all with this. I have been fighting depression for some time and I am finally seeing a counselor to deal with that. I have chosen to forgo treating it with medication so as to avoid any more side effects than I already have right now. Here’s the thing with depression, those that have to deal with it many times don’t even know, especially when they are dealing with something else like, oh let’s say cancer for example… It doesn’t hurt; there are few outward signs unless you know what to look for. I encourage you to ask questions if you think that someone you know and love is dealing with this. I can tell you, it SUCKS!

Lastly, I would like to extend my warmest and most heartfelt wishes that each and every one of you has the most amazing Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Yule, or whatever you do celebrate this time of year that you possibly can have. Spend it with the ones you love and hold them close. Have fun with them, make memories… because you just never know.

Peace, love and happiness to all, and to all a good night!

Tracy.

Valentines Day 2009

2009-12-08T22:41:00.002-05:00

Well, I am still working on the December post. But I did dig up this little gem for a friend and I'd like to share it with you to keep you occupied until I get the next post done.

Enjoy,
Tracy.

Valentines Day 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009

I would like to preface this with a disclaimer: Each man is an entity unto himself. As such, he should never be held to some standard that is perceivably set by his wife, girlfriend, or significant other after she has read something such as this. Ladies, please do not take this to your husband, boyfriend, or significant other and use it as an example, this is what I did for my wife and, as you will see, it took the help of a lot of people to pull it off. This is my story and each person should be allowed the opportunity to write his or her own. That being said, here is a brief account of what I, Tracy Luegge, did in honor of the love I have for my wife Sarah on Valentines Day, February 14, 2009. It must also be said that it has taken 18 years of trying for me to get to a place where this was possible, and a host of friends and family have also lent their support.

This idea was started in my head around a month ago. I truly believe that there was a higher power involved and I’ll try to explain at the appropriate time in the story…
This all started out as just dinner and a show. Not just a movie, as in whatever just happened to be playing at the local movie theater, but an honest to goodness show. Something I had researched, with her in mind, and setup in conjunction with a nice meal.
I first secured a babysitter, thanks Becky and Aunt Bonnie. I am told the kids had a surprise waiting for them that morning as well and I can’t wait to hear about their adventures. Next, while I had my sister’s attention, I inquired as to whether or not she knew of a restaurant that would still take reservations. She did and so I began looking into The Black Swan (http://www.millenniumrestaurants.com/blackswan.php?ID=25 ). This seemed perfect, an elegant restaurant in a quiet setting overlooking a lake, and they’d take a reservation. A reservation was therefore obtained for 5:15. Next I needed a show, and not just some run of the mill play. I remembered taking her to Cats at Miller Auditorium (http://www.millerauditorium.com/ ) and so I looked at their website and saw that they were showing Rain ( http://www.raintribute.com/ ) which I learned was a tribute to the Beatles. After 18 Valentines Days with Sarah, and nearly (like less then two months shy) as many years having been married to her, I have learned a thing or two. One being that she is a HUGE Beatles fan. (Side note, this would be the part where I believe a higher power was involved, Divine Intervention if you will) I also noticed that there was a showing on Valentines Day at 8pm, which would leave me plenty of time to get us to the auditorium from the restaurant after dinner.

Now for the little things that would truly make this MY treat to her. I started thinking of ways to make this a special night. We have been to the movies rather recently and in fact, did also have a nice dinner along with said trip to the movies, but… it wasn’t a proper date. It should also be noted that at just about this time, I was having some rather interesting conversations via Facebook with some friends from my high school days regarding my senior prom which didn’t really go all that well. I will spare you the gory details, but it did lend a certain flare to my creative process in preparing for this special evening. I should also then say thanks to Mena and Ame for helping me work through those memories and turning something bad into something spectacular, so thanks ladies, I owe ya one. Bearing that in mind, I thought of setting this up as a genuine bona fide date. Here's what I mean by that. I made some calls to a couple of friends and set it up like this, I would leave the house and go to their house to “get ready” and so thanks are in order to the Kauffman’s, Jeff and Desiree (she plays another important part in the story in a bit). Afterwards I would proceed to “her house” (in reality just as much my own as hers as we live here together, but for the sake of the “date”, we’ll pretend) and pick her up at a predetermined time. This also gave her something else she likes, quiet time… A very precious commodity in our house! I also consulted my fashion adviser, Erin who is perhaps Sarah’s oldest and dearest friend to ask what I should tell her to wear for the occasion. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that all of the details were a complete surprise to her? All I told Sarah was "I'll pick you up at 4:30 for dinner and a show." No specific details were divulged. Well, Erin knows Sarah better than I do and knows fashion, which is completely alien to me (I still have a hard time coordinating my belt with my shoes!). So I knew I was in good hands and the advice was spot on, thanks Erin, you’re swell. I owe you one too, probably more.

Along the way, I also planned a few other stops. I stopped at the local florist several days before and ordered a corsage and matching boutonnière. I picked them up on the way to get ready and they were lovely, thanks Ridgeway Floral (http://www.ridgewayfloral.com/ ). I then needed a card and some sweets so a quick stop at Kirlin’s Hallmark (http://www.kirlins.com/index.html ) was in order. So with the final piece of the puzzle in hand, I was all set. Now to just put the wheels into motion.

I arrived at the Kauffman’s house around 3:30 with my suit, the card and candy, and the flowers all in hand. Got ready and Desiree helped pin the boutonnière onto the lapel of my coat, my hands were way too shaky for such a delicate operation! I actually had butterflies in the pit of my stomach! After I had done all I could to make myself presentable, I drove back to the house, gifts in hand, and rang the doorbell. It must also be said that Desiree followed me home with camera in hand to snap a few photos of the occasion, thanks again Des. Sarah answered the door in her brand spanking new black dress with white polka dots and I must say, it does a man good to see his wife dressed up for a night out on the town. There are words to describe just how beautiful she was, but that would take a lot of typing. Suffice it to say, she nearly took my breath away! Des and I came in and I delivered the swag. I think she was impressed, but there was more in store. After a few quick photos, we were off.

We arrived just a few minutes late for our reservation but the restaurant was magnificent. A lovely setting both inside and out. Valet parking (an option I did not avail myself of), a coat check (a first for me) and a staff that is second to none. The food was exquisite, from the salads to the dessert. After dining, we retrieved our coats and were off to the show. I still hadn't told her what we were going to see but once inside the auditorium, we walked past a souvenir table and she saw the goods. The smile on her precious face was reward enough for me and she hadn’t even heard them play yet! I picked up a program and a rose from another vendor and we were off to our seats. Shortly after, the show began and all I could do was watch her as she enjoyed the show. She was smiling from ear to ear and singing right along with the band. As for myself, I also enjoyed the show and even got a little choked up when they sang Yesterday. It seems as though yesterday, all MY troubles seemed so far away, but for me, love is still an easy game to play… if you are truly, deeply, and unconditionally in love.

After the show was over, I stood in the lobby waiting for her to use the facilities and a younger couple (I guessed college age) strolled by and the fellow says to me “I like your style”. I thought it a bit odd, but thanked him nonetheless. A few minutes later, after she was done and we were outside walking to the car we passed them again and I heard this fellow remark to his date “This guy knows how to do it right!” Buddy, if only you knew, if only you knew…

So, thanks to all my friends and family without whom, much of this would not have been possible. You’re the greatest and I am blessed to have you all in my life. Most importantly, I am blessed to have Sarah in my life. I love you baby, Happy Valentines Day…

A Fresh Start

2009-11-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

Well, quite a few things of note have happened in just a couple of weeks since the last update. I thought it prudent to share with all of you so as to keep you apprised of my situation and in an effort to keep these updates a little shorter. Here goes.

First, I had some really deep and meaningful talks, the kind of talks that really set you back on your heels and make you take a hard look at your life. Who you are, where you’ve been and just where you are going. I’d like to start with the “where I have been” part. I used to be a very angry person and I know some of you could see this and many of you had to deal with it. Still others I’d be willing to bet never would have guessed. Point is, I can see the truth of it and I mean to continue to change that. It’s simply NOT who I want to be. I have also had a pretty negative attitude about life in general as of late and I mean to change that as well. It simply won’t do if I intend to see myself through this thing called cancer. I need to get positive and stay positive throughout this trial if I am to be successful.

Now, onto where I am going. I am going to heal myself by whatever means necessary! It simply won’t do to sit around waiting until the transplant is my only remaining option to stay alive. It IS my only option for life, period! I had some interesting conversations with my doctors over the course of the past couple of weeks as well and what that led to is this; if I were to try the last remaining medication and just try to deal with its side effects, with the ongoing transfusions my body would continue to build up iron and eventually vital organs would begin to fail. At this point I would likely not BE healthy enough for the transplant so that leaves me with just trying to maintain my “quality of life” or as good as they can give me. Not cool… Or… I can go to Seattle, to the BEST facility in the United States for Bone Marrow Transplants, and get the transplant done and have a chance (a much better chance than I was initially given at the Mayo Clinic) at LIFE. A fresh start, a new beginning. So my friends and family, I am going to take that chance and be rid of this crap in me once and for all, cause DAMNIT, I WANNA LIVE!!! Nuff said.

As for who I am, I honestly can’t say right now. I am not even sure that I know or that any of us really ever does know who we are. But I do know who I’d like the world to see when they look at me, and I aim to get myself to that point one way or another. I can see that I am here, now, in California for several reasons. One, this is where I can get the absolute BEST care to treat my disease. My “team” of doctors has been working very hard to get things pointed in the right direction for that to happen. Sure, we have hit some snags along the way, but they are willing to listen to what I have to say and what I wish to have done (good thing for them!). After a battery of tests to ensure that I am healthy enough for the transplant, which culminated in yet another bone marrow biopsy, things look like they are right on track so far. I’d also like to tell you about that biopsy, I have had this procedure done twice in the past two years and each time with less than a perfect outcome. The first time was in a hematologist’s office with only a local sedative while he tried to push the tools through my bone, and it hurt like HELL! The second time was at the Mayo Clinic, and they offered me the option of being out cold for the procedure and I gladly accepted. Slightly better results except that I still had a lot of difficulty walking for the next several days, something I also experienced with the first one. Now here I am in California a little over a year later and I was having it done again. This time however I made my voice heard and I wanted to know why it needed to be done when nothing had changed with regards to my health, and if it was going to be done it would have to be done on my terms. I saw a friend of mine who is a hypnotherapist the night before and got some really good pointers as well as some hypnotic “suggestions” that helped tremendously. Another thing that helped was having a compassionate doctor. I lay on my side on the table with Sarah facing me in a chair and put some REALLY heavy metal music on my iPod and was just breathing, listening to my tunes, and reminding myself to relax while I told myself that I was not going to feel pain. The doctor initially kept telling me what was going on but I just kept turning up the volume on my iPod until I couldn’t hear anything but the music. She had Sarah watch for my reactions to what she was doing and when it got to be too much she would slow down or stop and take a break. She was genuinely concerned and took the time to make this the best experience I have ever had, medically speaking of course. I kid you not when I tell you that I was only a little sore after and have been able to walk since right after the procedure. I feel REALLY GOOD about where I am and who is looking after me. I strongly encourage you all to make sure that your voice is heard by your doctor and that if you are for any reason uncomfortable with that communication, by all means, GET ANOTHER DOCTOR!!! You ALWAYS have other options, always. It’s up to you to exercise them.

Another reason for my being here in California has to do with my search for my spiritual path. It has been a long and winding road but I can finally see an end to it, of sorts. I know that it will still require a lot of work but I also know that I am in the right place to do that work. Sure an’ the Lord has put me here, now, to put all parts of me right. My physical being, my mental being, and my spiritual being. I may not see where MY path is, but I am on the path that will lead me there. Now stand aside, I’ve work to do!

Brightest blessings to you one and all, and may the path ahead of you be clear and have a spectacular view.

Love,
Tracy

Another step along the path…

2009-10-27T00:17:00.000-04:00

There are so many things that I want to say, that I HAVE wanted to say, but I don’t know where to begin… Let me start with the most recent things and try to work my way back. I went to see the Hematologist today and I guess it went well. That is to say, I got my point across that I want to be 100% involved in what is going on with my “treatment” and that I don’t appreciate decisions being made for me or assumptions made on my behalf. That’s about the best thing that came from today’s appointment. Apparently I am now dealing with two or more doctors, which I suppose is good in that I have a “team” working on my case, but I need to know that they are communicating well with each other AND with me. The ME part is key, at least from my perspective.

The other thing that I got from today’s appointment is this; I can certainly try Thalidomide but the fact is that it won’t really change anything, only prolong the inevitable and in the process there is a very real possibility that irreparable damage can be done to a good many vital organs that can neither be reversed nor prevented as the disease will continue along it’s path. The ONLY possible (that word causes some trepidation) cure for Myelofibrosis is a Bone Marrow Transplant, period. If I choose to try the meds and put the transplant off until later and the organs begin to fail, then the x-plant will not be an option. If I choose to forego the x-plant altogether, the disease will eventually run it’s course and I don’t think I need to tell you where THAT leaves me.

So, why not just man up and go with the x-plant? I’ll tell you why… There is a very real chance that the procedure itself can kill me. There is also a very real chance that I could go through all this and it just plain won’t work. Also, there will be drugs involved that are so toxic that if they are spilled in the hospital a HAZMAT team is called in to clean up the spill. They want to put this crap inside my body to “prep” it for the new marrow… Not a pleasant thought in my mind and I would be lying if I said I was not scared. I am scared as HELL! I want no part of any of this, I just want it to go away, but it won’t. At least not on it’s own. I could really use some advice here, your opinions, what you think, what would you do. This is some pretty important stuff here and obviously NOT a decision to be taken lightly.

This is all contingent on them even FINDING a suitable donor. They even discussed using the kids… I just don’t know if I could even ask them to go through this. Haven’t they gone through enough already? Many of you have asked me what you can do to see if you are a match. All I can tell you is to go here: http://www.marrow.org/JOIN/index.html and follow the steps to see if you are a match. Be advised that this will put you in a National Registry and you may very well be called to give to someone else, whether or not you are a match for me. You can donate multiple times; YOUR marrow will grow back, unlike SOME people… You can always decline later if you like and the process to see if you are a match is, I believe, a simple swab of the inside of your cheek. The donation process is quite another thing. I imagine it would be something very similar to my bone marrow biopsies where they “tap” into your pelvic bone and draw out what they need. I can assure you that you WILL be sore for several days afterwards… Because of this, and my nature in general, I cannot ask you to donate. I will just leave it up to you each as individuals to make the decision yourselves. If you don’t, I will still love you anyway… nothing can ever change that.

I have to meet with the VA psychologists on Friday and also a caseworker to make sure I have the proper mind set for this and also a good support system. IF I decide to go through with this Sarah and I would basically be moving to Seattle for several months (up to six I think) and we have the kids, the dogs… Then there is the thought of what happens if things go horribly bad and I simply don’t come back? Sorry… I didn’t intend to let this go “there” but I guess it’s sort of unavoidable at this point. Time to face reality. Time to decide where I want to be buried, IF I want to be buried or cremated, what kind of beer will be served at the wake… I have tried all throughout to remain as positive as possible but this is simply wearing down my resolve, my will to keep on fighting. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take… what reserves I have left in me. I have not done a whole lot of anything except think of the “what-ifs” for the past month and I don’t like any of them to be quite honest. And I have finally gotten mad about the whole thing, as in why me? What did I do to deserve this? How can the Osama Bin Laden’s and the Jeffery Dahmer’s and the Charles Manson’s just keep on living and I have to get cancer. And not just your run of the mill cancer but THIS! Please understand that I certainly don’t mean to make light of cancer at all, in any way. I’d like to think that I have been a relatively good person throughout my life. Sure I have made mistakes but I think I have already paid for them. I CERTAINLY didn’t cause thousands of deaths or start a war or eat anybody… SO WHY?!?!? I guess I am just supposed to accept that some things just are, that there is no explanation… I don’t like it but then again, I don’t like taxes and yet… ya still gotta pay…

Well, there were other things that I wanted to talk about but I guess I had a lot to get off my chest about that one thing. There are some pretty fun things that we did this month too but maybe I’ll save that for another update.

Until next month, may your Jack-O-Lanterns shine bright, your candy basket’s be full, and your car avoid any eggs this Halloween.

All my love, Tracy

Culture shock!

2009-10-01T01:36:00.002-04:00

Well, we have been here in California for about two months now and it hit me full force today that we ain't in Kansas (or Michigan) anymore Toto...

See, we went to the funeral of my wife's Uncle Ron today. Now, funerals I expect are much the same across the country with the exception being the religion practiced by the individual and/or their family. But it is what happened AFTER the service that left me in awe and made me realize that I am definitely NOT from around here. What follows is my account of the events directly after the service at the Funeral Home...

After the conclusion of the service folks sorta milled about until Uncle Ron was placed into the hearse and then they started making their way to their respective means of conveyance. The parking lot was laid out in such a way that the vehicles were parked into rows to facilitate a smoother exiting of the parking lot and into the funeral procession. Or at least that was clearly evident to me... such was NOT however the case! Some people started jockeying their way around other parked vehicles toward the exits in a most disorderly fashion and the hearse had not even moved yet but it was what followed that sorta had me ill at ease... as the hearse left the parking lot there was no rhyme nor reason to which vehicle left after or followed this way or that... it was CHAOTIC to say the least! You'd have thought the hare was racing around the track rail and all of us were hounds trying to catch it. Then as we finally made our way into the procession there was noone to direct traffic and the other motorists simply went about their business as if we in the procession were just leaving a softball game or some such. There was simply no consideration made whatsoever for the deceased or the family and friends of said person!

Now I know that I come from a rather small town in the Midwest and that we do things a little differently there but COME ON! Seriously?!? Where I come from, when a funeral procession passes by (you'll know them because all the vehicles have their lights on and there are little magnetic flags fluttering on the hoods of the cars and trucks) people take a second to pay their respects, even if they don't know who the person is/was. Traffic on the other side of a divided highway comes to a stop, construction workers will pause and take of their hats holding them over their hearts and bowing their heads, the procession stops for nothing short of a police car or fire truck... in short, all who are witness to such an event act in a far different manner than I witnessed today. Is life in this "Golden State" so incredibly hectic and fast paced that a person can't take a minute or two to at the very least be respectful to the newly departed? Perhaps say a prayer on his/her behalf? WOW... This is really very sad to me, that so little attention is paid to those that are now gone from us. What is next? Are we to be sent to a recycling facility and that's that? Where's Aunt Josie? Oh, she passed away last week and we mulched the garden with her...

Now most of you know that I am still trying to find my spiritual path. I don't consider myself a religious person but I DO consider myself a spiritual person. And as most of you are very aware, I am battling a life threatening disease and death is a very real possibility as I know that it is for all of us. Any one of us could try to cross the street and be hit by a bus at any given moment, but for me, it is so much more than real, it is literally IN MY FACE with every waking minute. As you may imagine, I have thought a lot about death... where I want to be buried after I am gone, what I want the service to be like, it is after all MY party right? But if this is how it is to be... well, I may just want to go home and have my coffin placed on a hay wagon and have it pulled by a team of draft horses through downtown on my way to the cemetery. Maybe even have it put in the back of my old pick-up truck and have my friends take me out to the woods for a good old fashioned bonfire... At least I'll get a little respect along the way.

Until then (yeah, I plan on it being quite a long while...) lets all slow down just a little and help a stranger along on the final leg of his journey, can we?

Rest in peace Uncle Ron, I hope the pace is just a bit slower up there...

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

2009-09-29T03:01:00.000-04:00

So here we are a few weeks after the last post, or maybe just a few scant days. I seem to have lost a week in there somewhere just laying in bed not wanting to get up, not really wanting to eat, not really caring much to even live… That’s the cold hard truth. Why? A week ago today I had another appointment with my Hematologist but I actually saw another one in Livermore. Seems that the first is moving her practice back to Palo Alto and I am being passed onto another Dr. No real biggie, just a new face. What WAS new was what the new doctor had to say. Seems the “new medication” that I was going to go on is something that your body makes in situations where it needs more blood and my body is already making WAY more than normal anyway. Long story short, the new medication would have no real effect. So… what now? Well there is basically one more medication, Thalidomide, and it has it’s own set of problems that I am not even going to go into. Apart from that there is really nothing else except for a BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) and I had already said that I was putting that on the back burner so to speak for my last ditch effort. Seems as though that pot is about to boil over. The risks involved with that are numerous and VERY serious. The percentages of it even working aren’t even all that great… thus the reason to keep it on hold for as long as possible.

Needless to say, both Sarah and I were VERY upset by the time the appointment was over. I could hardly sleep for several days while I “processed” this new development and neither could Sarah. I think this past week was even worse for me than the initial diagnosis and subsequent discussion of the BMT. I honestly thought at one point that everyone around me would be better off if I were just plain gone right now, then they wouldn’t have to see me deteriorate, or watch me suffer. I know that is hard to hear (or read) but that IS the truth. You see, depression is very much like being drunk. When you are too drunk to drive, you are too drunk to KNOW you are too drunk to drive. Similarly, when you are in deep depression, you are too depressed to KNOW you are depressed. Please don’t start calling all sorts of people, I never ONCE thought about ending my life. I could never do that, WOULD never do that. I know enough to get help and Sarah watches me like a hawk. I simply want you to know the absolute gravity of the situation. Heavy huh?

I think that the thing that upset me the most was that I gave MYSELF a false sense of security. I let the doctors tell me what would happen, what medications I would take… etc. etc. Now I am in charge of my life and I intend to stay there. I guess I always knew in the very back of my mind that it would eventually lead to this (the BMT) but I just didn’t WANT to go there. Sometimes you don’t get a choice where you have to go, you just go there because it is what must be done. Sarah and I are talking about it VERY seriously now and making preliminary plans for when it will happen. I will do it on MY terms though, when I am ready. There are a lot of very serious decisions to be made and we need to take some time to think them through very carefully. I know too that a lot of you are asking Sarah how you can be tested to see if you are a match to be my donor… you cannot know how deeply moved I am by that. I simply have no words to express my feelings on this. Thank you is all I have and it seems like it cannot even come CLOSE to being enough. I am not sure what is required but I will ask the doctor next week and let you all know. If you have any questions please, PLEASE feel free to ask. I will be absolutely honest with you. I think that the test is a simple blood draw but the actual “harvesting” of the marrow is much like the bone marrow biopsies that I had, and they hurt like HELL! Again, I think… It has been some time since I talked to any doctors about this and I pretty much dismissed it at the time. I WILL ask and let you all know though.

OK, onto happier things now… Sarah, Connor, Kenyon and I joined our friend Jennifer, her three sons, and her brother in an adventure that saw us driving to Reno, NV a week ago Saturday to watch the Reno Air Races. VERY COOL! Those planes were hauling BOOTAY!!! We also got some pit passes from a friend of hers (it’s good to have friends) and got to see some of the planes up close and personal like. There were also some military planes on display as well as putting on demonstrations in the air. It was a long drive but well worth it and I expect to see them again next year! We also went to the Capitol City Air show, just Sarah, Connor and I, a week before that. I finally got to see an F-22 Raptor in the air and it left me utterly speechless. The things that plane can do absolutely push the very limits of what seems possible according to the laws of physics! Connor got to meet the pilot and ground crew, get a t-shirt signed by all of them and one of them gave him a collectible coin! Very cool… I think I may have a fighter jock in the making!

I also began sorting through the mess that is my truck… It has been sitting outside ever since it’s arrival and I got it started and turned around and drove it into the garage. It was almost a gallon low in the transmission, the battery will not stay charged and the brakes need some serious attention. There is a laundry list of things on it that require my attention but it is my top priority. I want, no, I NEED to get that thing back on the road, to feel a sense of accomplishment and reap the rewards. I have once again been feeling like I have no purpose, no sense of who I am or why I am here. Like I have no job, so… I am going to treat this like it is my job.

There are some photos that I need to post onto the Flickr page too but that may have to wait for a few days. One of Sarah’s Uncles passed away and the funeral is Wednesday. At first I didn’t want to go but I know that it’s not me in the box and I don’t intend for it to be for a very long time so wish me luck! Once we are done sealing with that I will try to get the photos uploaded for you all to see. I also have several emails and Facebook messages to respond to (I haven’t forgotten you or been ignoring you, just dealing with my own demons) and I WILL get to those just as soon as I can. Please keep them coming, I miss some of you terribly and it helps to hear from you or read your words of kind encouragement.

Until next month (or whenever I feel I have something to share), I leave you with my love and thanks, for all your support.

Peace,
Tracy

Round two to the Gorilla

2009-09-21T23:03:00.000-04:00

Well as many of you know (at least those that follow my facebook updates) today was not such a good day… I had an appointment with the Hematologist at 10:30 and by the time I got back to the van I was a slobbering bawling wreck. Some of you are aware that the new Dr. had me weaning off of the Prednisone and Danazol. Clearly they were not working and the long-term effects were not so desirable. Plus, I was tired (as were Sarah and the kids) of dealing with my dramatic mood swings and I was just plain getting super angry at the stupidest little things. Enough was enough. She had spoken to me about trying another drug and I suppose that I pinned my hopes on it as my miracle cure. Well, it ain’t happenin’. What this drug was going to do was replace a chemical that my body (and yours) naturally makes when it needs more red blood cells. After the test to determine what the level of this chemical was in MY body, it was discovered that I am ALREADY producing more than normal. Ergo, the medicine would not really do me any good.

So where does that leave me? With only one more drug to try, Thalidomide. This is a drug that was developed back in the 50’s (I think) as a sedative for pregnant women. Worked great except for one small side effect, all the women gave birth to babies that had severe birth defects… It was mothballed as you might well imagine, but it stayed on the shelf for possible other uses. They have made changes to its chemical make-up over the years and in fact, the clinical trial I was in at the Mayo Clinic was for the latest generation of this drug. While in the trial I was only getting transfusions about once a month as opposed to bi-weekly transfusions. It has been some time since I discussed this drug with any doctors but as I recall the potential side effects for me could be irreparable nerve damage, birth defects (yeah, it’s so nasty that if Sarah were to get preggers, the baby would have severe birth defects), so even though she is “fixed” I would have to take precautions to help insure that didn’t happen. I can tell you that NO guy like to think about these things, especially in the heat of the moment… As I am not yet even done weaning off the previous meds, none of this has really been discussed in detail with the new Dr.’s but I’ll address that when the time comes.

There is one other option which all of the new doctors have discussed and even gotten the ball rolling on already… the Transplant. In the new scenario a caregiver and I would go to Seattle and spend a week getting prepped by getting Chemo (for me, not the caregiver!) and then get the transplant. Afterwards I would need to stay there for a MINIMUM of 30 days. With all that I would be going through I don’t think that I would want the kids to have to see that… That means finding someone to take care of them for the duration, not to mention being apart from tem for that long… Then there is the very real possibility that the transplant won’t take or even worse, the possibility of Graft Vs. Host disease. In this case, the new bone marrow’s white blood cells would reject my body (the host) and attempt to eradicate me much like the common cold when you get sick. The odds of success are not all that good and frankly, I don’t want to go into details right now. I hope you understand…

To all of you who posted such kind and encouraging words on my facebook page today, I cannot begin to tell you how much that helped me get through the day… I could have easily given up and I will not EVEN begin to tell you how the thought process works regarding THAT. For those that called, I apologize if I wasn’t all that talkative, I was always taught that if you can’t say something nice, say nothing. Well, there was nothing nice to say. And to Frank, thanks for stopping by. It’s very comforting to know that help is only a phone call away. I understand all that you are going through already and I hate to add to that burden but as you all can see, there seems little that I can do otherwise.

Somehow thank you seems so feebly inadequate to all of you, but it is all I have at the moment. Please respect that this will take some time to process and I will likely not feel like “talking” about it. Please feel free to post comments on my facebook or on the Blog, as I will be trying to keep up on those. If you don’t hear from me, don’t worry… that doesn’t help you OR me. You can call Sarah if you need to get in touch with us but my phone will probably go straight to voice mail. I simply have enough to deal with right now…

Know also that I love you each and every one and I am simply AMAZED by the love and support that I have gotten already, even from people that have never met me or don’t even know who I am. You are ALL truly amazing people and I considered myself blessed to have you in my corner. That Gorilla packs a mean wallop! By the way, I could use a couple cases of bananas; I think he’s recruiting chimps…

DING DING DING!!! Round three!

I'm a little bit scared, but I am loved.

2009-09-12T04:03:00.001-04:00

Someone once told me, during the initial phases of my emotional struggle to cope with my disease, that having a terminal disease was like sitting in a room with an 800-pound gorilla. Permit me to tell you how that whole concept works.

Throughout all of this, there are good days and bad. I am extremely grateful that the bad days are all just in my head (bare with me) and that there is no pain, and that on the good days I can mow the lawn, change my oil, build a new dinning room table and even muster up the gumption to walk the dogs. I am also thankful that the good days far outnumber the bad. On those “bad days”, the gorilla gets the upper hand. These are the days when I begin to wonder what will happen when I am gone. How will Sarah and the kids deal with my loss from one day to the next? Who will fix the leaky faucet, the broken switch on the fan, or replace the faulty outlet in the wall? Then it all becomes too much and I go to the bedroom and lie down and feel the press of all my worries bearing down on my chest and suddenly the world becomes very small…

Now on most days the gorilla is content to sit in the corner on his bed of palm fronds peeling bananas and watching Gilligans Island reruns. But, on the bad days, as I lie on the bed I can hear him slowly standing up. He senses my fear and knows that I am weak. He takes a tentative step forward on squatty legs, sniffs the air and I swear he smiles… just a bit. He stands up to his full height, stretches his arms out and cups his massive hands. His arms bend at the elbows and he begins to beat furiously on his chest, and I grow more scared. I begin to think that maybe it would be best to just lay there and let the gorilla win. All of my worries would end and no one would have to worry for me anymore either. So many people say after the loss of a loved one: “They’re in a better place.” So why then do we adhere to the mantra that we must fight to live? If I am going to a better place, why not just give in to the disease and just go?

At about this point one of two things happens. Either I remember the words of a wise friend who told me “Don’t do this for you, do it for me, for Sarah and the kids.” Or Sarah senses that I am having a bad day and she comes to my side and gives me the strength I need. The strength to fight the good fight! We talk it out, express our fears, our worries and our desires for the future. We give hope a voice in the darkest of hours and it is like a switch is turned on somewhere in the recesses of my soul. And I begin to rise… The thunderous beating starts to slow then diminish all together. There is this very quizzical yet oh so simian look on the gorillas face, as if he was thinking “OH shit!” and he retreats just a half step. I get off the bed and stand, a little uncertain at first (after all, he IS an 800 pound gorilla!) but then I feel the love and prayers of all the people that care so much about me and my family and my strength and confidence starts to grow by leaps and bounds! I stretch and rise to my full height and I tower over the ape that roars his disapproval of my newfound vigor, but to no avail. I will not be stopped!

I reach up into the tree and break a branch off and point it at him in defiance. One eye sort of squints as if I was aiming my power at him through the makeshift club. I then stretch my arms wide, squat my legs just a bit, throw back my head and fill my lungs until they feel as if they are going to burst they are so full of air and I scream!!! The sort of primal scream that says “I am here to stay for a very, very long time… get comfortable in your corner gorilla because that is where you’re going to stay!”

That is how it goes during the bad days… so remember, when you read that inspirational quote, when you see that picture of something so funny that milk comes out of your nose, or when you get a link to a video of some idiot doing something incredibly dumb with his brand new Ferrari and you laugh so hard that tears roll down your cheeks, send it on to a friend. You never know, they might be dealing with an 800 pound gorilla themselves… And when you think of that relative or friend that you have not heard from in a very long time and you start to worry, they are only a phone call away and your voice and your words of encouragement may just be what they need to hear to help them put their ape in HIS place… so call, email or write.

Now if you are the one dealing with the 800-pound gorilla, make sure to keep a generous supply of bananas on hand and always leave the TV in your room tuned to Gilligans Island reruns. If you can’t keep him in his place, at least keep him distracted until help arrives and remember, it’s ok to ask for help. Besides, you can’t very bloody well carry his dead carcass out of the house by yourself now can you?

May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be ever at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall softly on your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

All my love and extra bananas,
Tracy

New Beginnings.

2009-09-05T20:55:00.001-04:00

Well, here I am, one month into a new life and things are simply flying! I have met my new team of doctors and now have everything set up here. The new hematologist Dr. Martin is taking me off of the Danazol and Prednisone as we both agree that they are not working. I am also increasing the Exjade (this takes out the iron in my blood from the transfusions) and I will soon be starting a new medication if some tests come back positive. It will get my body making the blood so I am not so dependent on the transfusions by using some of the extra iron in my blood thereby killing two birds with one stone. I am hopeful that this will all go as planned but regardless, I am happy to be getting off of the Prednisone and Danazol as they have had me on an emotional roller coaster as many of you have doubtless noticed. I did have a really rough weekend a couple of weeks ago, all of it emotional stuff and I think it can be attributed to the meds, yet another reason to be done with them. Regardless of how this all pans out, I am excited to have new doctors and that THEY are excited to be working with me. I am scheduled for a bone density test in a couple of weeks and Dr. Martin wants to do another bone marrow biopsy (I can’t begin to tell you how much I am NOT looking forward to that!) so things are moving right along. Wish me luck!

We have very nearly got everything unpacked and found almost all of the things that were lost in the mix during the packing and moving. I have plans to build a new dining room table and matching benches and I am VERY excited to be back in the shop again, even if it isn’t my shop. I have started to work on the Simplicity and hope to have it working again soon as well. I am sure the neighbors will think me the laziest person on the block for using s riding mower to mow our little patch of lawn, I could probably do it faster with the push mower but it’s the process of bringing something back from the scrap yard that excites me. And I think it’s kinda cute too… I have not as yet done any more work on the truck as I have been busy getting things squared away in the garage. It is nice being able to park in there but I know it will be short lived, there is simply not enough room for both vehicles in there with all of our other stuff. Perhaps I can put more of the “stuff” up in the rafters above the garage but for now, the van will be relegated to the outdoors. Nothing new for it, just a lot warmer and no snow to shovel off of it in the winter. I hope to have it back on the road by my birthday next year, budget permitting…

The kids have started the school year with the new charter school. We get all the materials from them and we can enroll them in martial arts classes, music lessons, and dance classes among other things and the school will pay for it. So far they are adjusting well and I do not foresee any problems in the future. Molly is making friends with some of the kids in the neighborhood as well as Sarah’s cousin’s kids. I have started taking the dogs for walks in the morning (it gets way too hot way too early!) and I feel great! I am also starting a few other exercises as well trying to shed a few of these extra pounds. Dr. Martin says that when I get off of the Prednisone that will help too. It has also been great for the dogs, as they no longer have the yard space they once did and they have been getting quite restless. They also have little desire to go outside during the day because of the heat, and I can’t say as I blame them there either. I am going to try to get Sarah’s Dad’s dog Levi to work with them too. He is still very much a puppy and has tons of energy. My goal is to get them all to walk together and then I can take our dogs out to his house in the country and walk them all in the morning. The view is much more agreeable to me out there. Levi is a great dog too and I am glad that our dogs get along with him; he just needs to be socialized with other dogs. He has to learn his “place” in the pack so to speak.

Well, that’s about all I have for this month. It has only been a couple of weeks since I posted the last month’s update. I took a few photos of the kids out at Papa’s pool and I’ll try to get them uploaded to the Flickr page. I’ll send you the link when I get that done. Until next month, take care of yourselves and those around you.

All my love,
Tracy.

Just wondering...

2009-08-26T19:20:00.003-04:00

So this afternoon the kids and I were watching TV and Extreme Makeover Home Edition came on. The recipient family had lost their husband/father (6 children) to mold that he came into contact with while renovating their new (to them) house. As we watched the show, I sat there in absolute tears. I have never been afraid to show the kids my "soft" side, I think it does them good to see a man cry now and again. But this time was different. As I was crying, I could feel Connor and Molly's eyes on me, watching my reaction to the show. I am pretty sure that Connor knows what is going on with my... situation, but as for Molly, I really have no clue. I began to wonder what was going on in their little minds. Did they understand, I mean truly understand what was happening with the family on TV? Did they then correlate that with what is happening to me? Could they possibly comprehend a time when I would not be there for them? I can't even begin to think of how to talk to them about it... I certainly don't want to upset them, but they need to know, don't they?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated... I am totally at a loss here.

A New Hope (July 2009 update)

2009-08-18T01:48:00.003-04:00

Well, I am getting a bit of a late start on this months update as you can tell. Sorry if that caused any of you to worry, rest assured that we are all well. We are waiting patiently for our “stuff” to arrive in California. There has been some sort of snag with the company that is hauling my truck but I guess there always has to be SOME sort of conflict in every situation… human nature and all. SNAFU!

Let’s see, you may have noticed that I have given this month’s update the title A New Hope. I did this for two reasons. As you may recall, I was looking for something to call the updates besides well… updates and I thought that A New Hope was appropriate because we have moved here so far away from so many people that we love and care about (and that reciprocate that love) because we have a new hope for our new life here in Cali. I have gone into some of my varied reasons for moving my family here before and I would rather not go into it again. Suffice it to say that Sarah is closer, much, much closer to her family should she need that support. That is not to say that she would not have gotten such support from my family, but it just isn’t the same in such times of absolute crisis. That is all I have to say about that, as I don’t wish to upset myself thinking about it or to upset anyone else for that matter.

So the purging is complete and everything we own save for a few necessary essentials is on a truck somewhere between here and Michigan. It was hard to let some of the “stuff” go but in the end, we saw it as necessary and we realize that is will lead us to have so much more time and energy to devote to some of the things that we wanted to do. I think that sometimes in one’s life, there must be sacrifices made and that can be a very healthy part of the “life” experience. For my part, I now realize that I simply had way too many irons in the fire. I had sooo many projects that I wanted to work on at any given time that the barn was literally “walking room only.” I had to move things out of the way simply to find the pieces and parts of a given project and that led me to not want to work on any one thing in particular. I didn’t even want to go into the barn because it would depress me just thinking about the amount of stuff in there… Now, as we make a fresh start, things will be different. Now, with only a couple of projects to concentrate on, my hope is that I can actually finish one. I can get the parts out and work on it and know that they have a specified place to be put back in when I am finished working on them for that day. Wish me luck.

Now that things are settling down a bit here on the West Coast, I am starting to miss things as they were back home. The people, places and things that I knew are all so far away. I miss Seth most of all. I tried so hard to keep up a strong front while saying goodbye but when I held him in my arms and felt him start to break down, my connection with him really hit home and now I miss him so much. I miss real trees too, the kind that have been around for a hundred years and more. Big trees are a rare thing here in the central valley. I may have to make a trip to see the giant sequoias soon and get my “fix”.

Well, I need to get started on several projects for today so I am going to close now. I miss you all very much, but I know in my heart that this is the path I MUST follow. All is as it should be in Tracy’s world and the heartache and sadness will pass in time.

Take care and stay in touch, and that means you, you, and yes… you too. Write me a letter, email, or call me whenever. Just do it!!!

Peace and love,
Tracy

Ok, sorry for making you wait but things have been a little hectic, as I have previously said. Having said THAT… please forgive the tardiness of this month’s update.

I would like to add a few things that have changed as of the first draft a couple of weeks ago.
First, we received our household goods and nothing was broken. Those guys were real top-notch pros and took really good care of us and our stuff. I commend them on a job well done. A big thanks to the American Legion for the assistance and for getting me a HUGE discount on the cost of the moving truck as well.

Second, My truck finally did make it here, and in one piece. I have not as yet tried to start it, I think the battery is dead again anyway and I have had health concerns to deal with. Chiefly getting a transfusion and getting things set up for future transfusions. More on that later. Back to the truck… I would most certainly NOT recommend All American Transport. Not that they did a poor quality job getting my truck here, but they DID wait until I was 2200 miles away from my truck to let me know there were some “issues” that would require additional fees… Had I not inquired about these issues ahead of time with their driver, I would gladly swallow my pride and have paid the extra money without complaint. HOWEVER… since I asked their driver at the time of pickup about the “issues” and was told there would be no problem, I feel like maybe the money should have come out of HIS pocket instead of mine… What is done is done though and all I will do is NOT recommend them to anyone else in the future. I WILL also be calling North American this week and letting them know about my “bad experience” with their recommended auto transporters. Nuff said…

Lastly and maybe most importantly, I met today with my new Hematologists at the Palo Alto VA and they are a WONDERFUL bunch of people. Very professional, very compassionate, and very easy to get along with. It was chiefly a get to know them, get to know me type of appointment so no real hard news as of yet, but I suspect that my meds may change in the near future as part of the discussion revolved around how long I had been on my current meds and how were they working. We touched briefly on changing them but no decision was made today. The main goal was to get me set up with a time and place for the transfusions and that will be finished up tomorrow with a couple of phone calls and a trip to the Modesto clinic to meet with the General Practitioner and get things set up for the blood draws. I am VERY happy with where I am and where I am headed with these folks. I think this is why I was led to make this move… there were better things waiting for me out here.

We are still settling in, the kids have started their new “school routine” and are getting used to that as there are some rather big changes there. We still have a bit of unpacking to do but that is happening and we are taking our time. Lord knows we did enough rushing around to get it packed, I think we have earned a little down time in unpacking it again.

For those of you that are prone to worrying, fret not. All is well with me and mine and only distance separates us. Nothing can take away the love that we feel for one another. Besides, now you have reason to visit the west coast and all the “weirdos” in California…

All my love to you, each and every one. Please write often, as I love to hear from you all. Until next month, may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back. May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Love,
Tracy.

PS. I started a Blog a while ago and have since posted the “back issues” of the update there. Check it out here: http://wooden1dr.blogspot.com/ I will be posting this month’s there as well as the following month’s. If you would rather read them there as opposed to via email, drop me a line saying so and I will try to get you off the email list.

I have not had an opportunity to take many photos lately so the Flickr page is on hold, but for those of you new to this update thang, you can peruse the older photos here: www.flickr.com/photos/woodaholic/

I think that about does it, take care yall!

2009 updates thus far.

2009-07-12T00:53:00.002-04:00

Here are the 2009 updates up until now. I will put future updates on here as I now know how to deal with the HTML issues that hampered me previously. Stay tuned...

January 2009-

So... what has been going on in my life in January? Well, for starters, winter arrived in a big bad way. It got COOOLDDD!!! Have I mentioned lately that I don't like the cold? I used too... but no more. So, I've been keeping busy inside trying to keep warm and not think about being cold. I have spent a fair amount of time in the basement cleaning, de-cluttering, and organizing. Starting the new year cleaning up my life from the ground (actually a bit below ground in this case) and working my way to the top. For too long I've had too many irons in the fire, and the parts and pieces of those irons have been in the way tripping me up at every turn. It's hard to let go sometimes, but in the long run I know that if I don't let go of some of these things, I will never get any of them done at all. Wow, I am getting awfully philosophical lately eh?

I have also been on Facebook a lot during the past month, reconnecting with friends from High School and family (you know who you are) and I have been absolutely loving it!!! This has led me to look for old friends that weren't necessarily in my graduating class. I found Jason Pryor who moved away in 7th? grade and I only saw briefly once or twice after that. Then I found the best man from our wedding, Todd Dunn. He was a very good friend from the Air Force and I missed these fellas terribly. I have watched "the Secret" a couple of times and I just kept putting it out there that I wanted to reconnect with them and like magic, it happened! I can't explain it, but I promise you it worked and I'm a believer. Well met old friends and it's good to have you back, real good. I have, because I care about the two of you, included you in on this month's update. If you'd rather not receive these updates (approx. once a month) then just let me know and I'll remove you from the list of recipients. So, good friends, reminiscing about the good old days, oh! I uploaded some photos from back in the day to the Flickr page too along with some new ones. However, I could not upload any more as I have apparently reached the limit for free accounts as regards the amount of data I can upload. I guess I'll have to scrounge up enough money to upgrade my account to what they call "Pro" for unlimited upload amounts... Always something. Sometimes I feel as though I am single handedly bailing out the economy the way everyone seems to want my money. I wish the people that owed me would be as diligent...*sigh*

Well, there is more news and it may be saddening to many of you. No it's not health related, at least not in the respect that it means my health is getting worse. Sarah and I have, for various reasons, decided to try to move back to California. There it is. I said it. Some of you knew, and some did not. Please understand this was not an easy decision, but we think it's for the best for us as a family. (this is the part where I start to cry, damn emotions!) In the unfortunate event that I should not be here (and we have to accept that as a possibility) this would mean she would be with her family and not 2000+ miles away and looking at making this move on her own. I know that you all love her and the kids, and they know it too. But in all fairness, if you take a little time to think it through, it's not the same as being with your family in such difficult times. I certainly hope that I am preparing for something that is a looong way off, but just in case... I have to take care of my own, and I hope with all my heart that you can understand that.

Well, I feel better now that that is out of the way! (deep cleansing breath) So, Molly has another loose tooth, Kenyon is inventing like a mad scientist on Little Big Planet, and Connor is testing the teenage waters with some attitude. Sarah and I have started the P90 workout program (I am a bit ashamed to admit that she is further along than I, but I think that given the ever present 800 pound gorilla I live with, I am doing well) Also, the West Michigan Cancer Center offers some free classes for Yoga and Tai Chi that we are going to look into. I still go in for a transfusion every two weeks and yesterday was the latest with my Hemoglobin count at 7.6 (remember it should be from 12-16). I'd have sworn it was lower than that given my history as regards how I "feel" because the second week was rough, however I think it was just the workout program because two weeks ago it was 7.0 so I am calling that good news. I'll take every point I can get and if the exercising is helping, I can surely tough it out! If it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger... or something like that. I'd like to start taking the dogs for a walk too but it has been so cold that I have talked myself out of it thus far. (this would be the part where you all try to encourage me to get out there and do it!)

In other news, I have planned a spectacular Valentine's Day treat for Sarah and I... and it's killing her that I am not giving her any details.... Torture torture, I'm so mean! I have also started planning a weekend get away for our anniversary to Detroit where I have a couple of friends in and around the area scoping out some cool things for us to do. I'd like to send a shout out to Ame and Shad, thanks for your help in the anniversary trip department. And work continues on planning the trip to DC later this spring. Busy busy! Look for photos on the Flickr page as these things develop.

In photo related news, a pair of Bald Eagles has been spotted on the St. Joe River right here in town. I sense a stake out is in my future. I'll let you know if I can catch them in the cross hairs of my camera, this would be the crown jewel in my photographic career thus far. Sarah, the kids and I first saw Bald Eagles on one of our many trips to Rochester last year and they have remained in my thoughts ever since. I took it as a sign that they are watching over me, along with the Red-tailed Hawks that I constantly see around here and saw a ton of along every one of my trips to Mayo. We also saw some Turkey Vultures on one trip and my Mother-in-law had some in one of her trees the next day. In Native American folklore, they represent healing, and I think they showed up for me, all these birds. I like to think that all your prayers, best wishes, positive energy or whatever you have sent my way, brought them all into my life. There are powerful things working for me and though I cannot explain them, I accept them. Although a very large part of my healing must come from me, I cannot do it alone. I need you all, in whatever capacity you can spare. And know too that I love you for it, truly and wholeheartedly. Thank you. I'll let you know next month how my Eagle Vision Quest goes, wish me luck!

Well, that's about it for this month. As always, I look forward to your comments and questions so keep 'em coming.
Till next month, I bid you peace, love, and the company of good friends.
Love, Tracy

February 2009-

Good morning everyone, I trust this finds you all well, warm, and patiently awaiting Mother Earth’s re-awakening. I know I can’t wait to sink my fingers into the soil and bask in the sun while lying on my back in the grass…

Well, February was a month of extremes in my house. On Valentine’s Day, I surprised Sarah with dinner at the Black Swan followed by “Rain” (a Beatles tribute band) at Miller Auditorium. There has never been a more perfect evening spent by two people in love. We followed that in the next couple of weeks by each taking a turn passing around the stomach flu… not very much fun at all. So, as you can see, it has been a month of extreme highs and lows.

I do however have some good news though, my blood count yesterday was 7.9. It has been steadily climbing by .1 or .2 for the last few months. Not a huge accomplishment, but I will take it none the less. My next doctor’s appointment is near the end of March and I intend to speak with him about what this could mean. Please keep sending your prayers, positive energy, or whatever you feel led to (so long as it’s good) as I believe that helps the most.

So, I’d also like to share a little something with you that happened to me while I was sick in bed last week. I have been looking into and practicing putting what I want in my life out to the universe, like in “The Secret”. Sending out the vibrations of the things I would like to manifest in my life so that the universe knows that I am ready to receive them. Then, while I was in bed with the flu (it may have been fever induced) it occurred to me that one of the things I had always wanted, I had already received. See, when I was a little boy growing up on the farm, I really wanted a little brother. Don’t get me wrong now, I love Becky, but toy tractors, bikes, and Star Wars action figures are way cooler then Barbie dolls and Smurf’s. I wanted someone that would build a fort with me, and then defend it from marauding Indians, someone I could show how to spit for distance, to catch frogs down at the pond, little boy kind of stuff. Now, fast forward 25 years or so, and I got one! As it turns out, my biological father has three other sons too, and one of them wanted to be a part of my life. Wow. I realized the other day that what I had put out to the universe (I never really stopped wanting a little brother) finally manifested itself. I got my little brother.

This past fall, as many of you know who follow these emails, I took a trip up north to the U.P. and spent the weekend with him. We even spent a couple of days together when he was down here last summer and we got to spend a day on the water fishing with our kids. How cool is that? Now I spent plenty of time with Becky when we were growing up and I will always love her too, but it’s just not the same somehow. I can’t quite put my finger on it, can’t put it into words… just different. I even used to load her and the cane poles and a can of worms from under the silo feeder into my Radio Flyer wagon and pull it all down the lane and cross Pulver road to the pond and we’d spend all afternoon fishing for Bluegills, or I should say she’d spend all day fishing! My job was to take the fish off and re-bait the hook while she caught another one with the other pole. Good times too… good times. I guess the point is this, never give up on your dreams, and keep putting them out there to the universe. Some things take time, plain and simple. And anything truly worth having is worth waiting for.

Well, that’s about it for this month and a far cry more than I thought I’d have to say.

Hope to see you all down at the fishin’ hole this summer. Until then, tune up your rods, restock your tackle box, and dream of warm sunny days on the water. I know I am…

Love,
Tracy

You get a line, I’ll get a pole baby.
You get a line, I’ll get a pole gal.
You get a line, I’ll get a pole,
Meet you down at the fishin hole.
You get a line, I’ll get a pole… baby.

March 2009-

So, here it is, the end of March. What a roller coaster ride this month has been. First the weather turning warm enough to tempt me to hook up the disc and tear through the garden and start sewing seeds, and then right back down to freezing a few days later. I guess I won’t complain too much. All of our snow is gone and has been for a while now, the river got pretty high but I never even had to think of sandbagging our house to save it from flooding. Things surely could be worse and they’re not, and for that I am very grateful.

It is early here in River City and I awoke to an indescribable urge to simply get up. I know that doesn’t make much sense, and it didn’t to me either until the fog of sleep cleared from my head. After I was up and moving around a bit, and after a generous amount of orange juice, thoughts started to pop into my head. As I awoke, I sat at the edge of the bed trying to decide why I was awake at this hour. I finally decided that I would try to go to the bathroom and see if I could go back to sleep afterwards. On the way from the bedroom to the bathroom, a funny thing occurred to me. I had walked this particular route hundreds upon thousands of times. It may not seem like much to you, but it hit me like a revelation… I mean, I boldly walked through the darkness, bare toed and with out a second thought to the safety of those little piggies. I strode through this house with all the confidence in the world that my path was clear before me. The kids know by now that the Lego’s stay upstairs (the most prevalent enemy of any bare foot is a stray Lego!) and even the dogs know not to lie in the path that joins these two rooms. This place, this home, is very familiar to us all. With the exception of a few years where we tried to make a go of life in California before, this has been home. The place where I have thus far raised my children, buried more than a few pets in a quiet spot in the back yard. I have put my heart and soul into this house and I had such dreams and visions for our future together. A new kitchen, bathroom, an addition to the barn… but now it is time to let those things go. I can no longer give this place what it needs, what it deserves. In a way, I guess it’s like letting your child go and make his or her way in the world on their own. I have done what I could, the best I knew how to do but in the end, this part of my journey has run it’s course and it’s time to move on. I will miss this place to be sure, there are a lot of very fond memories here, the kids first steps, the first time they rode a bike without training wheels, the bonfires out back, Connor sneaking out through the dog door to pick blueberries before Sarah and I woke up one morning… in his diaper! The list goes on and on and I will take those with me, but go I must. Someone sent me some words of wisdom recently that in effect said “God has great things in store for each of us, but sometimes we have to let some things go so that we are ready to receive them.” I have held onto a good many things for quite a long time and always thought I’d have the strength to carry them all while picking up other stuff along the way. I now know better… and I am more than willing to let all of it go for what is in store for me, my hands are empty and I am willing to receive. I know I will not get more than I can handle, and that if it seems like it is more than I can handle, help is only a phone call away.

In other news, there has been a rather nasty flu bug making the round here and I think we are finally getting the upper hand. I knew I was truly sick when I was cold, I never get cold. We still have perhaps a few more days to go on the road to recovery, but I can see the light at the end. The worst part of all that is the fact I am at the end of my two weeks and I need another transfusion. Yeah, that’s a bit much… but no one ever guaranteed that life would be fair did they? At least it will be over and done with by my birthday and most importantly to me, our anniversary. Not that they are particularly momentous ones, like my 40th birthday, or our 20th anniversary, but I have a new perspective on the world. I don’t feel like waiting for the big ones to roll around. I want to make the best of the ones I am given and if the next one rolls around, so much the better.

I also have some rather sad news to pass along. Gandalf the Gray (our cat) passed away rather unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. He is already sorely missed. I have had to resort to traps in the barn to catch the mice and even caught one in the kitchen just the other day with the trash bin door! It tried to escape when I opened it to throw something away and as I slammed the door shut (ok, I’ll admit that is was more in surprise then any killer instinct) I just happened to catch his tail between the door and the jamb. Sarah was kind enough to “rescue” him and then let him go outside… but should we ever cross paths again, I will know him by the crook in his tail and he would do well to steer clear of me. I thought long and hard about whether or not to get another cat and after much discussion with Sarah, it has been decided that we should wait until we get to California. We think that two St. Bernards and three kids is enough for such a long trip. Work also continues on trying to find new homes for the rabbits and the chickens, I have had a couple of bites on both accounts but nothing concrete.

Well, that’s about it for this month. I added some more photos to the Flickr page a couple of times during the past month so check them out. I will add some more in the next week or so as well as I once again hit the max for a free account. (sigh) If you have any questions, feel free to write or even call. I will make no promises save one, I will do my best to answer them. And as always, if you know anyone who you think should get this, please feel free to pass it along, or if you do not wish to receive this, speak up and I can fix that too… no hard feelings, honest.

Until next month, stay healthy and know that you are in my thoughts.

Love, Tracy.

April 2009-

Well, here we are, already into May and there is still no slow down in sight. Sarah and I started off April with a BANG! by getting away to Detroit for our eighteenth anniversary. Yeah, eighteen years… wow. It seems like just yesterday that my palms were sweating as I stumbled through trying to ask her out. Now, nearly two decades, three states, two dogs, a host of cats and three of the most wonderful children I could have asked for later, we are still going strong. Stronger than ever in fact! We stayed at a rather swank hotel as there were few other options, something about some final four hootenannies or some such. Friday night we met a friend of mine from high school that I had not seen in twenty years and had dinner at perhaps one of the nicest restaurants I have ever had the pleasure of attending and she picked up the tab. Then Saturday we went to the Henry Ford Museum and spent the better part of the day perusing the stuff there. Sunday was spent just puttering our way home along US-12 through the occasional rain shower and stopping along the way now and again to paw around in some antique stores. No treasures to be found but a good time none the less.

I also celebrated my 38th birthday, though no real accomplishment there save for the fact that I am in fact still alive. It all was kind of a blur as I had my sights firmly set on the anniversary celebration. I have started a little project, I am making a list of the 38 things I would like to accomplish before my next birthday and will be making a journal of sorts to keep them all together. It’s just in the list stage so far as many things are being packed up and I certainly don’t need to be starting another “project” just now.

On the issue of “The Big Move”, acquiring new health insurance was the big stumbling block and it looks as if that has been resolved. I had emailed a few of the in-laws in Cali. to see if they could ask around and find a recommendation for a new hematologist/oncologist. Long story short, one of Sarah’s Aunts got wind of our dilemma and is in the health care profession and made a few phone calls, sent a few emails and called in a few favors. All this led to both Sarah and I having appointments at the VA in Battle Creek this coming Wednesday and it looks like a done deal for us getting signed up through them for health care. I cannot tell you what a relief that has been, and how much we both appreciate it, thanks again.

Now for the cats, as you may recall (or not) our cat Gandalf passed away rather unexpectedly last month. Almost immediately mice started showing up in the kitchen and we all began to long for a new feline companion. We had initially decided that we would wait until we were settled in out in Cali. but plans being what they are, we soon found ourselves scouring the local shelters and rescues for a new cat. What did we find? Well… not one but two lovely cats at the St. Joe County Animal Control. We struggled for a few days to name them with all of us coming up with some of the silliest names until finally I decreed that we would let the cats decide what their names would be. The larger of the two came into heat a day or two after she came home and would do this little dance all about the house so Wiggles is her name. The other is quite content to lay in your lap for hours on end and give you the cutest look at every turn, a look that is cute as a button and thus Button was named. They always seem to know the proper name for themselves, no matter what we think.

As for the rats and turtles part of the month, we were visited Friday morning by a painted turtle, a lonely muskrat and a family of Canadian geese. There is a pond and a swamp some ways behind our property and it struck me as somewhat curious that all these “aquatic” creatures had all come to our house on the same day. We have had plenty of rain and in fact the water levels in the area are still rather high so why they would have all left their “comfort zone” is still a mystery to us. Perhaps if I had more time I would investigate the matter further but for now, I am content with the answer that they just came for a visit, all on the same day…

I started collecting all the camping gear I could get my hands on and checking it all out for leaks and to make sure it all functions as it should. We leave in just over a week for our next great adventure as we travel to our great nations capitol to see the sights and take in all its majestic history. We have even made tentative plans with Sarah’s friend “secret squirrel” for our tour of the White House. Keep your fingers crossed that maybe we get to meet somebody famous! I am excited too to finally get to go to Colonial Williamsburg. I have wanted to see it for as long as I can remember and I hear they have one of the premier “period” cabinet shops around. Who knows, maybe Roy Underhill will be there too and I can scratch two of the big items off my bucket list. Wish me luck on that too…

I also had yet another long lost friend from my Air Force days contact me through FeceBook. We had a wonderful conversation that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, well over two hours! It was so good to hear his voice again and he still sounds just the same, even after all these years.

Well, that’s about all I can think of, as if that wasn’t enough for one month! May looks to be even busier with June and July even more hectic than that! So much sorting and cleaning, packing, selling, even giving away to those in need. Continuing to pay it forward so that others may have it just a bit easier in their times of need, and lets face it, there are going to be many such times in all our near futures. Let’s all do our part to help each other out and see ourselves through these rough times. Before you know it, it’ll all be just a memory but hopefully one we can all learn from so that we don’t make the same mistakes again. Well, enough of that, we all know what to do so just do it.

In closing, I would like to say to all of you that I miss you and think of you often. Yeah, all of you. I have plenty of time on my hands to do just that sort of thing. I have made some plans to get together with some of you and I have had a wonderful time doing so. Still others I have run into just doing what I do about town. I have an idea for the very near future to see yet more of you and I hope to finalize those plans after our trip. I’ll keep you posted as this develops so stay tuned. I am also looking for suggestions for a new title for the monthly update and I have received a few suggestions from some of you already. Thanks for those and keep em coming.

I love you all and miss you more than you can know. I look forward to seeing you all soon. Peace, love, and happiness… Tracy.

PS. If any of you have saved any of the past updates and can forward them back to me, I would appreciate it. My intention is to put them all together for the kids to have and look back on sometime in the future. Thanks.

May 2009-

Hello everyone!

I hope this finds you in good health, good spirits, and good company. May turned out to be more action packed than I ever could have imagined. We spent two wonderful weeks in and around Washington D.C. For the first part of the trip we camped in Greenbelt, Maryland at Greenbelt National Park. The campground was wonderful and we were able to see lots of deer (I know, something you NEVER see in southwest Michigan huh?) and a red fox kit as we drove through the park. A hawk swooped down through the trees right in front of me while I was walking, and we heard a barred owl hootin’ it up at 5:30 one morning. Except for all the ticks that we picked off of ourselves and each other, the wildlife was most agreeable.

Each day we drove a few minutes to the Metro station to hop on the train and head into D.C. proper, where we enjoyed touring the Smithsonian’s Museums of Natural History, American History, and Air and Space, and the National Zoo. We also saw the monuments to Presidents Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson as well as visiting the WWII Memorial and the Vietnam Memorial. When I was in the Air Force I purchased a POW/MIA bracelet that honors the missing heroes from Vietnam, as does the wall of the memorial in D.C. I didn’t have the bracelet with me, but the name on it is forever etched in my memory, so I was able to find it on the wall. I made a rubbing and paid my respects to A1C Stuifbergen, who was also from Michigan. It was a very sobering reminder of the cost of war… We also went to Arlington National Cemetery and saw the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown. The dedication and commitment of the soldiers who volunteer for this honor reflect great credit upon our brave young men and women who serve today. These fellows are truly the best of the best and it shows. Also of note, as it was close to Memorial Day, we saw hundreds upon hundreds of American flags placed in front of each and every headstone in the cemetery. This is done every year to honor the nation’s fallen. A truly humbling experience…

The campground started getting crowded on Memorial Day weekend, so we decided to pack up our camp and drive down to Williamsburg, VA to see Colonial Williamsburg, something I have wanted to do for a very long time. When we arrived there we got some rather good news, due to it being Memorial Day weekend, and the fact that Sarah and I are veterans, we all got in for free! That saved us over a hundred dollars. Good news indeed. After leaving Williamsburg we drove a bit further east to Virginia Beach to spend the night, and we woke up very early the next morning to watch the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean.

After our side trip to Williamsburg and Virginia Beach, we met up with John Roberts (Sarah’s friend from high school who happens to be a Secret Service Agent) and he showed us around some of the nicer spots in D.C. that the locals know about. We visited the National Cathedral, which was simply breathtaking, the Air Force and Marine Corps Memorials, Ford’s Theatre, where President Lincoln was shot, the Secret Service Headquarters, and the Naval Observatory where the Vice President lives. We toured the command post for the VP’s Secret Service detail and the kids got to sit in the bulletproof limo. Kenyon actually sat in the driver’s seat! Very cool. The next day John chauffeured us down to Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello estate. Sarah was very excited to see the home and gardens of her favorite President. On our last day in D.C. we got an exclusive behind the ropes tour of the White House. We saw parts of it that are only seen by the residents, honored guests, and the select few people who work there. My favorite room was the Presidential theater where the first family gets to watch movies. We were told that filmmakers send the White House copies of every movie that is released before they have even premiered. We sat in the front row seats and I was informed that the seat I sat in was the very seat that the President sits in. For a brief moment in time, my butt was the most powerful butt in the world! I am sure some of you would say it always was…

We also were shown the China room, with place settings from Presidential sets of china all the way back to President Washington, and the Diplomatic Reception room, where the President meets with visiting dignitaries from all over the world. While we were in the China room, the Agent who was giving us our tour pointed out a private restroom and said we could use it if we wanted to. Well who in their right mind would pass up the opportunity to pee in the White House? Not any of my family! I found the White House to be an incredible place to visit. It is part residence for the first family, part museum, housing some of the nation’s most unique and valuable treasures, and part office building. I certainly feel more patriotic after having been there.

After getting home, we immediately started to prepare for my brother Joe to arrive from the Upper Peninsula. He came down to spend the week with us before we move to California, and to pick his son Austin up at the airport in Chicago. We spent the majority of the week fishing on Fisher Lake and in Constantine on the bridge over the St. Joe River. We did really well with Connor landing a 4-1/2 pound largemouth bass (The jury is still out as to whether dad or Connor is more proud), and Joe and I met up with Brandon (another brother) for cat-fishing, and I landed the biggest catch with a fish that came in at 30 inches long and weighed 12 pounds! More importantly, we all came away with memories that can never be lost. I always wanted a little brother, turns out that I always had three and although I am getting a late start on spending time with them, I am making up for lost time real quick. It makes me wonder what the get-togethers between Connor, Kenyon, and Molly will be like in 25-30 years… I hope they have as much fun as my brothers and I did.

Well, with just about seven weeks left until the big move, work can now begin in earnest. There is still a lot of “stuff” to go through and we have to decide what goes with us and what goes to someone else. Then we can start packing things up and get things in motion. All of the loose ends seem to be tied up now so all that is left is to get things around the house packed and/or gone. No small task to be sure. Wish us luck!

Medically, there remains no significant change. Before our vacation, the doctor gave me an extra unit of blood so I am not sure if my hemoglobin count is still rising slightly or not. Don’t worry, I am keeping a close eye on the numbers and will keep you all informed. I just keep on keeping on, and as with our vacation, living life like there is no tomorrow because let’s face it… there truly are no guarantees are there? So don’t just wish you could do it, find a way and make it happen!

Until next month, I hope I get a chance to visit with you and I love you all and would love to hear from you,
Tracy

PS. There are more photos on the Flickr page from D.C. as well as my fishing fun here at home, so go check it out. http://www.flickr.com/photos/woodaholic/ and check back later in the month because I still have more photos to post.

June 2009-

June 2009 Update

Hello again everyone. I am getting a bit of a head start on this months update as I just got home from my Survivor Lap at our local Relay For Life. I wanted to take this opportunity to write down some of the things I experienced today and to share them with you all.

I first got just a bit before 10am which is when the event kicked off. After signing in I put on my new Survivor t-shirt and tried to mentally prepare myself for what lay ahead, I could not have known… I stood on the track during the opening ceremonies and looked around me at all the other purple t-shirts. There was a fair number of people there… surviving! But as I looked around, I began to notice that there was no one there like me. By that I mean they were all old and many of them looked like they had been run through the ringer at least once. What was I doing here? Why was I on the track as a Survivor? I felt like I didn’t belong there, like it should not be me. Then, they asked that all the caregivers go to the other side of the track and wait there for their survivor to meet them half way through their lap. Suddenly I was alone, surrounded by people that were alien to me. Feeling as though I didn’t belong. Then we started to walk and I found solace in doing something. Feeling like I was going somewhere at least.

As we neared the half waypoint of the lap, I started to look for Sarah. When I saw her, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I suddenly knew that I could make it, no mater what obstacles may lay in my way. As we started to walk together though, I looked over at her by my side and I saw her crying. This was the first time I had seen her cry because of my being sick and I felt so much guilt that she should have to go through this. I know it’s not my fault. I know I didn’t do anything to deserve this and neither did she, but it still hurts to see her have to suffer through this. I would endure all the transfusions and bone marrow biopsies a thousand times over just to keep her form having to go through this. That made the last half of the lap extremely hard for me, but I endured. I SURVIVED! And I will continue to survive.

Well, it is now July 2nd and I am trying to finish this to get it out to you all before it turns into August… Work continues on sorting and packing everything in the house and barn. It is quite a task, but we are keeping at it. We hope to have a ‘packing party’ here on the 1st of August with maybe a hog roast to reward everyone for their help. Watch your email inboxes for further details…

We have sent the rabbits on to a new home as well as ½ of our flock of chickens; the other ½ will follow them tomorrow. The vintage travel trailer that was left here has also found a new home as well as a few odds and ends around the house. So, just over three weeks and counting and work is shifting into high gear. So much to be done, so much to get rid of. Things that I haven’t laid a hand on in over a decade along with things that I really don’t want to get rid of. This will truly be a brand new start and I look upon it with a mix of emotions. It feels so good to be rid of some of the clutter and I look forward to keeping the new place clutter free. But, some of the stuff I had such plans for and now it must go. I am sure there is a lesson to be learned in all this, but at times I find it hard to find that lesson sometimes. There are a few things that I am holding onto very closely. Things like my old truck. It holds a lot of memories and it is my hope that it will help me to create a lot of new memories for Sarah and the kids and I. It occurs to me that maybe I need to get rid of some of the things that I want to keep because I have not been able to focus on any one thing like my truck. My attentions were spread too thin among too many things. Maybe, if I only have one or two things to focus on, I can finally get them completed instead of dragging them out. I’m going to go with that, sounds good.

I did accomplish one thing this month; I put together a photo book and got a couple of copies printed. It has been getting rave reviews from all who see it and I had an opportunity to show it to the owner of our local downtown bookstore and he asked that I bring it into the store so he can look at it further. I am hopeful that maybe he wants to get some copies made and try to sell them. That would give me a great sense of accomplishment. For so long I have just sat around the house with no purpose for being here, no sense that I contribute to the household other than to pay the bills and that is just a check in the mail. By that I mean that I don’t feel that I “earn” that money. It’s hard to explain I guess…

Also of note, my brother Joe was down for a week and stayed here with us. It was the first time that my brother and I got to go fishing just the two of us. I also was given the opportunity to meet with my other brothers Derek and Brandon. Brandon joined us on the bridge in Constantine a couple of nights for some cat fishing and I caught the largest one (warning, blatant boasting follows!) which was 30 inches long and weighed 12 pounds! By far the biggest fish I have ever caught. Joe and I took Connor, Kenyon, and Molly out in the boat and Connor caught a large mouth bass that was over 4-1/2 pounds! That for me was by far more special than my own fish. There are a few photos that I will (eventually) upload onto the Flickr page. Perhaps tomorrow… we’ll see. I would like to say thanks you to Brandon and Derek for spending time with me and to Joe for all the memories that he and I have made with my kids. I waited all my life for a little brother to play with and I finally got three! Not that I was or am unhappy to have been given a little sister, but a brother is somehow different. All this business of finding my siblings has brought a lot of emotion as well as raising more questions than it answered. I no longer want to explore the past. I realize that I cannot change the past and even if I could, it would only change who the players in this game are anyway. I am happy to let the past be what it is and work toward building upon the future. I may not have grown up playing cops and robbers with my brothers, but I did get to go fishing with them. And my kids know them and are excited whenever I tell them Uncle Joe is coming, of we are going to see Uncle Brandon and Uncle Derek. You simply can’t replace that.

Well, I think that’s about it for June. On to July and all it’s new adventures as we prepare for our new start. A new home in a new place. Well, it’s not a ‘new’ home and the place is rather familiar to us, but neither has been our home. I am excited!

I love you all and I hope to see you soon.

Tracy.

Some of the past monthly updates.

2009-07-12T00:32:00.001-04:00

I have decided to put the previous monthly updates on here as well. I hope you enjoy reading them, or at least get to know me a little better. It should be noted that I am unable to find the August 2008 update.

July 2008-

Well good warm sunny afternoon to you all! Just a quick email to keep you all updated in my progress.

The counts continue to drop between transfusions but the Doctor here says to give the new meds time to "kick in". Last week I was at 6.6, and this week 7.1, that's up from 5.3 the previous week. My energy levels are up and down, but I think that is due to some difficulty sleeping. As some of you know, I have begun contemplating some rather deep spiritual questions and trying to find my way along that path, whatever it may be. I don't know where I'm going, but I know someday I'll get there and I am sure to enjoy the journey!

On a lighter note, we celebrated Molly's 6th birthday last Friday. Cupcakes and ice cream all around with some friends and family. I know you were not all invited, but we like to keep these things kinda low key so please don't be offended. I have some pictures I'll post to my Flickr page later on this week as my energy permits.

Until then, I'd love to hear about how you all are doing... really I would. How about letting me know what you think of the quote at the bottom of the page. I found it while at the doctor's office last week. I think it says nicely how I feel about life.

All my love to you, and as usual, please pass this along to those not listed in the "To:" section.

Love, Tracy.

September 2008-

Well I met with the Vascular surgeon today to get the results of the MRI and the ultra sounds. If you recall I was sent to him after seeing the Ophthalmologist. Neither of them could find anything wrong with either my eye itself or with the veins. The surgeon said there was one vein that made a weird (not quite normal) curve in the back of my neck and therefore they were unable to see any flow through it. It could be blocked he said but it didn't feed the eye and there is another twin vein on the other side of my neck and it is functioning perfectly and even if the other is blocked, it's capable of handling things all on it's own. Long story short, I guess all they could tell me was that it was "likely" a clot that worked it's way to my eye and then "dissolved" 2 hours later. So, another scare. Another close call, as it could have gone to the brain... but all in all, nothing to worry about.

Things around the house are going pretty well. We have two and a half weeks until the big trip to Cali. and I for one can't wait. With the recent deluge of rain, nearly 12 inches in about three days, everything has greened right up again... which means I have to mow. We found a few week points in the roof bringing that need into sharp focus again. The stuff needed to keep a house up never ceases to amaze me, especially one as old as ours. We are all dry though and didn't have any chickens sprout webbed feat, that would have been something.

Everyone else here is in good health with the exception of Sarah's nasty cold. I seem to have gotten it too, but with the elevated white blood cell count (think immune system) it seems to be unable to penetrate my defenses.

Not much more to tell. I am glad for that as there could be lots of bad news to spread around... Thank you for keeping my family and I in your prayers, I believe that they have helped considerably, especially with the "eye" issue.

I hope that all of you are well and know that I think of you often and I am grateful that you are in my life.

Take care, Love,
Tracy.

October 2008-

Greetings all! I am sending out this months update a little early. As many of you know, Sarah, the kids and I are traveling to California next Tuesday for two weeks for a long over due vacation. Therefore I will be gone until the end of the month, so I'm sending the update now. Plus, I have a bunch of pictures of a little trip I took to the U.P. last weekend to visit my brother Joe and clear my head a little.

As for my health, I was doing well until today... While taking the dogs for a quick visit to Uncle Bill, they spied an enemy... a CAT! and decided that they should give chase. I kept up for maybe six or seven strides and then hit the deck, which was wet with the dew. My foot made brief contact and apparently decided that it too would like to chase the cat and I was not going fast enough, so it tried to go faster and down on my rump I went. My back is very stiff now but the cat is safe and the dogs have been duly scolded.

Other than that, I am trying to work through some emotional issues one at a time. So far so good. I have gotten some things off my chest and resolved the ones I have tackled so far. My biggest problem is getting up in the middle of the night and having these sorts of things creep into my brain and keep me awake, hence my strong desire to work through them.

I would like to take a moment to say thank you to all those who continue to send prayers and positive energy out for me, I really appreciate it.

Well, not a whole lot more to report about this time around (and that's a good thing!). Please feel free to check out the new photos on the Flickr page http://www.flickr.com/photos/woodaholic/ and also leave your comments on them.

Love you all,
Tracy

November 2008-

Hello all, I trust you are all up and mobile again after partaking of way too much food for thanksgiving. I would like to apologize about this being just a little late. I was just a little bit under the weather the last few days of November when I'd have liked to have gotten this out to you all. But then again, it's not like I have an editor hounding me about deadlines, so I guess it'll get done when it gets done.

I will try to post some more photos in the next day or two as well. I continue to have a ton of fun playing with the camera and have even completed a small "job" taking photos of Martin for his yearbook. It was fun and challenging just trying to get him to smile, doesn't that boy know how to relax? Well, hopefully I can continue to grow in my knowledge and skills with this and maybe make some money on the side, it would at least be nice if it could pay for itself... some of this stuff is expensive! I have even started inquiring at the local colleges regarding taking some classes, we'll see how that goes. Truth be told, as long as I am having fun with it, that is what is most important to me right now.

As regards my health, I seem to be at a standstill, neither losing nor gaining but physically holding my ground. Emotionally I will admit that I have been struggling of late though. I think that the mental aspect of having something like this has caught up with me. I have been having what I would call mild depression and a few instances where, what later seemed like rather simple things really made me angry and upset. Unfortunately I took a lot of that out on my wife and that really pains me. She already has a lot to deal with and certainly doesn't deserve that type of attitude from me. I have spoken to the doctor about it and he says this is typical for people dealing with such severe sickness (I just can't bring myself to say the "c" word...) and that he could put me on an anti-depressant but that would mean more side effects. So for right now, I am aware of what's going on and I am trying to keep a handle on it so as not to have another medication to have to take. Sarah and I have talked about this and it is of great comfort to know that I have someone like her to keep an eye on me and keep me in check, so no worries from any of you. I am living life to it's fullest and trying to do it with as few modern "medicinals" as is possible.

On a slightly related note, I am looking into what hobbies I have had in the past and what still interests me in order to try to find something to occupy my time. I am going quite stir crazy just sitting around here with nothing but the computer or the tv to occupy my time. I have been reading some rather good books by Jack Whyte about the Arthurian legend with a lot of historical information written into them. More of a late Roman, Celtic, Saxon viewpoint and I really like his style of writing. Sarah and I are also thinking real hard about getting back into the SCA. Though I don't know if I will be able to fight, it at least will be something I can do with her and even bring the kids along with the added bonus of rekindling some previously established friendships. I'll keep ya posted on how that pans out.

So... what else... I had a really good Thanksgiving dinner (actually two) and it was good to be able to take some time to reflect on what I had to be thankful for. Chief among those things are all of you, my family and friends. The wonderful support and comfort I receive from you all on a daily basis is a huge part of what drives me through all of this. Thank you, from every fiber of my being, thank you.

I am also looking forward to x-mas. Not only being with family, but that also means that I made it through the first year since the initial diagnosis. WOOHOO!!! In the upcoming year, we would like to be able to tour the Eastern states and see the sights up and down the coast. The trip is in the initial planning stage right now, no date set or exact route planned, but we'll get there. I also look forward to getting my '71 truck back on the road. I really miss driving that thing, I have made a lot of good memories in that and won my fair share of street races also. Now with a new engine (new to the truck anyway) I am very anxious to see what it'll do. With the last engine in it, she ran very low 16's in the quarter mile at the "official" track. I'll keep you posted on the progress of that as well.

Well, I am running out of things to say, I know that seems shocking to some of you but it's true. So in the interest of keeping this short and interesting so you'll all want to read the next one, I am going to close this now and wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Joyous Hannuka or whatever you are led to celebrate at this wonderful time of year. I look forward to seeing you all in 2009, even if I have to buy the beer. First rounds on me, come sit a spell and lets talk a while.

With all my love,
Tracy.

December 2008-

Well, it's been one year now since I got on this crazy roller coaster, I am more than ready to get off now... I will say that this x-mas was by far a better one than last year. Not so much in terms of what I received, but more so what I watched others get. I am certainly thankful for the gifts I did get, make no mistake, but I was far more aware of watching the kids open their gifts and the joy on Sarah's face. Much more in the moment if you will. I also am very grateful for the things that didn't come wrapped up in boxes with fancy bows attached. Things like your prayers and well wishes. I don't care who you are, I don't think there is a person alive today that fully appreciates what their friends and family truly mean to them until they have gone through something like this. I cannot be any more sincere when I say that I love each and every one of you and my most heartfelt wish is that you all might know the kind of love and friendship that I have come to know with out having to go through something like this. I am truly blessed, give yourself a big ole hug from me.

Well, on to more lighthearted things. I received a new lens for my camera, it'll go out much further than the other two so I am anxious to try it out on some of the local wildlife. I haven't taken a lot of photos this month, but it was pretty busy around here. Sarah and I along with Jeff and Desiree went to South Bend on the 5th and met up with an old friend from high school for dinner and some Irish music at Fiddler's Hearth. We all had a really good time. I have recently reconnected with a number of other high school friends through Facebook. I've had a page there since last winter and all of a sudden people started sending me friend requests. It's funny how it just sort of happened all at once. It's nice to see how they all have progressed throughout their lives as well. My twenty-year reunion is coming up this year (2009) and it'll be interesting to see them all in person too.

We also drove to Grand Rapids in some of the worst weather I have seen in recent memory to welcome home my friend Ryan and his brothers in arms from Iraq. They completed a one-year tour and got home the Sunday before x-mas. Wow! What an awesome x-mas present that was. I am so glad that we (Sarah, my friend Chris, and I) braved the foul weather to see him home, that is something I will never forget. I am so proud to have known someone that brave, you are truly my hero Ryan!

Work on the house continues, albeit it at a snails pace. The drywall work in the downstairs bedroom is now done and it needs paint and carpet, some trim, the doors stripped and refinished and then it's done. Then on to the parlor, the bathroom and the kitchen... will it ever end? We have also started to de-clutter the basement and a huge load of unused stuff went to Goodwill to find a better home. The truck is also almost full for the dump and maybe one more load to GW then she's done too. Then on to the barn and all the projects therein. A piece at a time, one foot in front of the other.

As I try to reflect back on 2008, it all seems like a blur. There were certainly a few highlights, some that I will cherish for a long time and some I'd rather forget but I guess we don't always have that option do we? I think that they all happened for a reason, and I could spend countless hours contemplating why, but in the end, it doesn't change the fact that they did happen. I think what is important is to look back on all those things and see what good I can take from them, for if we look hard enough, we can find good in all things. Sure it's not always the easiest thing to find, but it is certainly the most rewarding. For example, being unable to work was a really hard thing to accept, but it has given me so much more time with Sarah and the kids. All the trips to Minnesota for the clinical trial that turned out to be ineffective also gave me the opportunity to visit with my cousins Marcie and Kathy which I would not have otherwise had. Even just going through this whole sickness thing had brought me so much closer to all of you and had I not gotten sick, I honestly probably would not have even been in contact with some of you at all. For all these things and so much more, I am thankful. I certainly hope that I have touched your lives in a positive way as well. I look forward to 2009 with the utmost excitement. Sarah and I are planning a trip to the East coast and the nations capitol this year. I look forward to finally finishing this house, getting my shop set up here again and building some furniture, working in the garden, driving my old truck. I thought for a while that all my dreams and goals had been taken away from me by this disease, but I see now that I simply had too many irons in the fire. This has forced me to shed some of the things that were holding me back and focus on the things that are truly important to me. And with the help of some of you, I may just realize my dreams. You know who you are, be ready for my call... we are gonna have a blast in 2009!!! I promise. I told a long time friend of mine last year that I wanted to have a big party for my birthday and his response (along with his puzzled look) was "This isn't your 40th is it?" I said heck no, is there a rule that says I can only have a big party on certain birthday's? I told him, if it's going to be my last, I would like for it to be one to remember. Well, it ended up not happening, but I think I can make a more concerted effort this time around. Roast pork anyone?

I did have a lot of opportunities to get to see many of you this past year. It is my hope that the ones I didn't get to see, I'll have the chance to see in the year ahead. I think we should all make a more conscious effort to do so, anyone with me? You know where to find me and I am certainly willing to come to you, just let me know when and where (wink).

In closing, I would like to thank you all again (I don't feel like I can ever do that enough so get used to it) for all that you have done. Some of you went far above and beyond what I think would normally be expected of you and I don't know if I can ever repay you for that, though I will certainly try. It's certainly not a competition so if you didn't get to go above and beyond, that's OK, know that what you could do, can do and have done is enough for me, I gather strength from it all, large or small.

I love you all and I look forward to seeing you soon. Until then, I bid you peace and prosperity and send you all my love.

Tracy

Ps. Keep a weather eye on the Flickr page for more photos, I should have some there in the next couple of days. (wink)

I will put the 2009 updates in another post.

Monthly update for March

2009-04-02T01:08:00.003-04:00

So, here it is, the end of March. What a roller coaster ride this month has been. First the weather turning warm enough to tempt me to hook up the disc and tear through the garden and start sewing seeds, and then right back down to freezing a few days later. I guess I won’t complain too much. All of our snow is gone and has been for a while now, the river got pretty high but I never even had to think of sandbagging our house to save it from flooding. Things surely could be worse and they’re not, and for that I am very grateful.

It is early here in River City and I awoke to an indescribable urge to simply get up. I know that doesn’t make much sense, and it didn’t to me either until the fog of sleep cleared from my head. After I was up and moving around a bit, and after a generous amount of orange juice, thoughts started to pop into my head. As I awoke, I sat at the edge of the bed trying to decide why I was awake at this hour. I finally decided that I would try to go to the bathroom and see if I could go back to sleep afterwards. On the way from the bedroom to the bathroom, a funny thing occurred to me. I had walked this particular route hundreds upon thousands of times. It may not seem like much to you, but it hit me like a revelation… I mean, I boldly walked through the darkness, bare toed and with out a second thought to the safety of those little piggies. I strode through this house with all the confidence in the world that my path was clear before me. The kids know by now that the Lego’s stay upstairs (the most prevalent enemy of any bare foot is a stray Lego!) and even the dogs know not to lie in the path that joins these two rooms. This place, this home, is very familiar to us all. With the exception of a few years where we tried to make a go of life in California before, this has been home. The place where I have thus far raised my children, buried more than a few pets in a quiet spot in the back yard. I have put my heart and soul into this house and I had such dreams and visions for our future together. A new kitchen, bathroom, an addition to the barn… but now it is time to let those things go. I can no longer give this place what it needs, what it deserves. In a way, I guess it’s like letting your child go and make his or her way in the world on their own. I have done what I could, the best I knew how to do but in the end, this part of my journey has run it’s course and it’s time to move on. I will miss this place to be sure, there are a lot of very fond memories here, the kids first steps, the first time they rode a bike without training wheels, the bonfires out back, Connor sneaking out through the dog door to pick blueberries before Sarah and I woke up one morning… in his diaper! The list goes on and on and I will take those with me, but go I must. Someone sent me some words of wisdom recently that in effect said “God has great things in store for each of us, but sometimes we have to let some things go so that we are ready to receive them.” I have held onto a good many things for quite a long time and always thought I’d have the strength to carry them all while picking up other stuff along the way. I now know better… and I am more than willing to let all of it go for what is in store for me, my hands are empty and I am willing to receive. I know I will not get more than I can handle, and that if it seems like it is more than I can handle, help is only a phone call away.

In other news, there has been a rather nasty flu bug making the round here and I think we are finally getting the upper hand. I knew I was truly sick when I was cold, I never get cold. We still have perhaps a few more days to go on the road to recovery, but I can see the light at the end. The worst part of all that is the fact I am at the end of my two weeks and I need another transfusion. Yeah, that’s a bit much… but no one ever guaranteed that life would be fair did they? At least it will be over and done with by my birthday and most importantly to me, our anniversary. Not that they are particularly momentous ones, like my 40^th birthday, or our 20^th anniversary, but I have a new perspective on the world. I don’t feel like waiting for the big ones to roll around. I want to make the best of the ones I am given and if the next one rolls around, so much the better.

I also have some rather sad news to pass along. Gandalf the Gray (our cat) passed away rather unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. He is already sorely missed. I have had to resort to traps in the barn to catch the mice and even caught one in the kitchen just the other day with the trash bin door! It tried to escape when I opened it to throw something away and as I slammed the door shut (ok, I’ll admit that is was more in surprise then any killer instinct) I just happened to catch his tail between the door and the jamb. Sarah was kind enough to “rescue” him and then let him go outside… but should we ever cross paths again, I will know him by the crook in his tail and he would do well to steer clear of me. I thought long and hard about whether or not to get another cat and after much discussion with Sarah, it has been decided that we should wait until we get to California. We think that two St. Bernards and three kids is enough for such a long trip. Work also continues on trying to find new homes for the rabbits and the chickens, I have had a couple of bites on both accounts but nothing concrete.

Well, that’s about it for this month. I added some more photos to the Flickr page a couple of times during the past month so check them out. I will add some more in the next week or so as well as I once again hit the max for a free account. (sigh) If you have any questions, feel free to write or even call. I will make no promises save one, I will do my best to answer them. And as always, if you know anyone who you think should get this, please feel free to pass it along, or if you do not wish to receive this, speak up and I can fix that too… no hard feelings, honest.

Until next month, stay healthy and know that you are in my thoughts.

Love, Tracy.

A glorious spring day!

2009-03-15T18:33:00.003-04:00

So today, my family and I went to a concert at the newly refurbished Riviera Theater in downtown Three Rivers. What a magnificent place! It is so nice that someone took the time and money to bring the place back to life and they did a wonderful job at that. We went to see Kennedy's Kitchen, a traditional Irish band from South Bend. We first saw them at the Acorn Theater in Three Oaks when they opened for Tempest and have since seen them at the Irish Fest in Kalamazoo and at Fiddler's Hearth. A truly wonderful experience. I saw a lot of people I knew there too, and it was good to be seen (my typical response to "It's good to see you!")

I so love to listen to Kennedy's Kitchen, each and every time I listen to them I am instantly transported to some small quaint farmhouse in Ireland, all of us sitting around a fireplace with some stewed beef, soda bread, a pint of Guinness and of course potatoes. Laughing, telling stories, playing music... Their music calls to me, to my very core being, my soul if you will. In fact, if I were to be completely honest, it is just this sort of experience that led me to buy a guitar, so deep is the desire to hear this music and for it to be "live" that I would like to play it. They are therefor my inspiration.

I was glad too to see that Nolan (joHn's nephew) had rejoined them. The first time we saw them in Three Oaks he played the penny whistle in a solo performance that had us literally in tears. This afternoon he sang "The Parting Glass" and once again had me nearly bawling. Yes, their music is THAT powerful! At least for me it is. I know that each of us is unique in our own way and as such, we each have our own thing that calls to us, for me, this is as good as it gets. I would like to have a big party this year after the weather gets a little warmer and it would be absolutely perfect if they would be there to play. I'll let ya know how that all works out.

I have also been feeling the urge to get out and about and start getting things done in earnest. There is a lot of work to be done before we are even can think of packing things away for the move to Cali. As a whole, it seems an insurmountable task, but taken a piece at a time it's much less intimidating. And so a piece at a time, the task shall be accomplished.

As I look to the future and to a new life in Cali., I often wonder what will we do out there to occupy our time. I have always enjoyed being outside here, tinkering with some broken piece of machinery, puttering around in the garden, even just sitting in a chair on the lawn watching the chickens in their endless search for bugs. Will I still be able to do those things out there? Or will some new wonderful "thing" present itself to me? Only time will tell I guess...

One thing is certain, I am going forward on the journey, and I am traveling the road before me with Sarah and the kids beside me. And no matter where we go or where our road takes us, we will be together and that is what truly matters.

Until then, follow your bliss and enjoy the journey. And take the "big things" one piece at a time. It never hurts to share your journey with your family and friends too.

Peace,
-T-

Look to tomorrow.

2009-02-02T21:19:00.002-05:00

So, there are good days and bad days. Mostly the bad days consist of emotional downs. That is to say, days when I feel like I don't have it in me to take another step, when I simply can't see what tomorrow could possibly bring. Today turned out to be one of those days. While talking to my sister this evening, she mentioned what a hard time Dad is having trying to cope with not being a farmer and looking for employment in an economy that has little if any suited to him, and in a state that offers little hope of finding any employment suited to you or not. He had been a farmer for over thirty five years and finally decided that he was no longer physically able to perform the tasks necessary to raise cattle. The cattle are what kept him going through all the pain, cold rainy miserable days, the flu, the blistering heat... through it all, even his two divorces, they remained his constant. And now they're gone, and by his own choosing! I know he is in emotional pain and struggling with what to do next. One friend of his told him "This is your chance to do what you've always wanted to do", she obviously doesn't know him very well. He was doing the one thing he wanted to do...

I see that he has a hard time communicating his emotions, and I think that is what led to my day ending so bad. It brought out all the negative emotions that have been hiding out in the deepest recesses of my mind. Trying to gather strength for my moment of weakness. My wife and I are planning to move to California where her family lives and the weather is much more... pleasant let's say. The biggest hurdle we face is finding insurance that will take me with the blood disorder. We are trying to find suitable coverage but are on a limited income. It hasn't been easy thus far. Thinking about my Dad and his troubles made me start thinking "What if we can't find coverage out there?" Are we then stuck here? Our minds are already in Cali., our hearts are already saying goodbye to all the things we love here in Michigan. What if this doesn't work out? Where before I couldn't see through all this to five years from now, to next year even, now I can't even see past tonight. What does tomorrow have in store for me? Now I am truly worried about the future. I guess maybe because my Dad has always been my rock. One of a very few constants by which I could navigate through life and that would help me find my way. Now, if he is adrift with the tide, how will I fond my way?

I will wake up tomorrow and see where the night has taken me. I will get my bearings as best I can, and I'll adjust my sails to make best use of the available winds and I shall sail on. I have a plan. It may not be a very good plan, but I can refine it as I go to meet the obstacles that are placed in my path. I vow to move ever forward toward my destination and should I be blessed enough to reach it, I'll set me eyes on another destination and continue on. I know no other way. Some will surely be left behind, but who's to say I might not just sail back this way again, maybe take them for a little ride and enjoy life's wondrous joys together. I know that through it all, my Sarah will be by my side to take the wheel should I need to rest a spell. Her course is my course and mine, hers. Together we shall see just what this world has in store for two star crossed lovers...

I truly hope you have such a first class mate to journey along with you. And may you be blessed with fair weather and a stiff breeze at your back.

Blessed be,
Tracy

My one piece of happy.

2009-01-23T22:20:00.004-05:00

So I read this post on this blog (http://bepresentbehere.blogspot.com/2009/01/one-piece-of-happy.html) the other day and I so wanted to give it a try, I wanted to find my piece of happy...

Last weekend was pretty crappy as far as my energy level is concerned and I was due for some blood. I got it on Tuesday and on Wednesday, I started a workout program with the wife. I was so sore and tired afterward but mentally committed to keep on keepin on. Thursday we exercised again and after that I went to my dads to work on the house some more. I was so sore and tired that not much got done but it was the kind of day where we were happy to just sit and talk. The kind of talk we don't do often enough and always end up crying at some point but feeling so much better. As I was getting ready to leave, he spotted a doe and her two fawns in the field behind his house. I tried to sneak to the van to get the camera out but alas, I was heard/spotted/sniffed out. They bolted...

Now I thought that the day was a total loss as I walked around the barn to try to spy just a glimpse of them. Then it hit me! One of the most beautiful sunsets in recent memory. And I snapped these:

Disclaimer: It looked much more beautiful in person and I am NOT by any stretch a professional.

While I was trying to get the best angle for these, and several others, I became totally caught up in the moment. Here I was, out in the country, in nature, enjoying one of Mother Earth's wondrous beauties. I had found a piece of happy! And did I ever immerse myself in it. I was no longer tired, the melancholy had slipped from my shoulders and I was, at that moment, at peace... Full of renewed vigor as I walked about the farm, trying to capture the moment. It was freezing cold all around me, but I didn't feel old man winters chill.

I once was lost, but now I'm found... Thank you.

Blessed be.

Who wants to live forever?

2009-01-07T12:54:00.002-05:00

So just about an hour ago I was driving home and listening to Queen and the song "Who Wants To Live Forever" came on. It got me to thinking. Would I rather live forever or live with the specter of death hanging over my head constantly? On the one hand, knowing that I would be around forever and not having to worry about things like disease would be pretty sweet. The downside would be losing everybody that I care about, and there are a lot of you. I know that death is always a possibility and there are no guarantees in life up to and including life itself. I'm just saying, what if...

I tend to think that I would rather things were just as they are and here's why. Given the fact that I have this disease, and now that I am considerably more in control of my emotions, I am led to live each and every day to the fullest. To be the best I can be and squeeze every drop of... whatever from the life I have. I tend to think that if I put out to the universe that I am healthy and strong, and keep the vision in my head that I am alive and living life to the fullest, that is what the universe will give me.

Now, flip the coin over and lets say that I had an eternity to do whatever my heart desired. I already know how I lived when I thought I would leave this earth at oh, I dunno, 75-80... I sat around doing silly things with the mentality that I could always do it tomorrow or the next day. Now I realize that tomorrow may not arrive, no matter how stalwart the postman is. He will still make his appointed rounds but there may not be a package in his bag for me.

So... I apologize ahead of time if I bug any of you to do something over and over again, or if you call and get my voice-mail. I may just be a little bit busy... LIVING!

Until next post, I bid you peace.

The Dark Side, Tsunami style.

2008-12-22T20:36:00.002-05:00

Today I was having one of those stellar days where nothing could go wrong, where you're on top of the world, and then it happened...

We were driving (Sarah, the kids, and I) to Vicksburg so I could get a haircut. I was even going to get highlights done, something I'd never done before and I was so excited! Sarah and I were talking about a dream I had last night wherein an old friend I would have liked to date back in Jr. High school, whom I have recently reconnected with, had just broken up with a friend that Sarah knew from our time in the Air Force. (I knew him too, he just wasn't exactly a friend)

The three of us, Greg, Mena and I, were in some sort of a morph between a classroom and a night club (I think because each of these would have been appropriate to each of the others in the dream, hence the two rooms became one) and in the dream, she and I were now a couple but she was sitting with him (as in on his lap) and having a good time seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was there at all, let alone that I was her new boyfriend. My explanation to Sarah was that this is where my Dark Side thoughts came from, the thought that I was no longer in her life (ie. the disease had taken me) and she had moved on to find another soul mate. I have talked to her about these Dark Side thoughts and how I don't want to think that way because I believe that if that is what I put out to the universe, that is what I'll get back. Therefore, if I allow myself to think like I'm already gone, that is what the universe will interpret as my wish and I will become... gone. That being said, I told her that somehow in the weirdness that happens in my mind (I refer to this as monkey mind), the monkey was reading the story and trying to translate it for me but he didn't know the people involved so he rifled through my memories and inserted his own "weird" mix of people.

Sarah was then answering a question that Molly asked about how many brothers and sisters she (Sarah) had and in the answering of that question we began to talk about how Sarah's mom is married to her step-dad and that is where some of the step-siblings come from. Then we talked about the parallels between Sarah and her mom. Things like Mom had two boys and a girl and now Sarah has two boys and a girl. Then Sarah made a comment about how her mom had married a crazy man (in a good, funny kinda way) the first time and so had Sarah. Then she made some sort of reference to how her next husband would be different, just like her mom's second husband... Enter the Tsunami.

You know, you can see it rolling in almost in slow motion and you know that total destruction and chaos are close on its heals, but that there is no way in hell that you will ever be able to out run it. I could feel that initial wave of adrenaline hit me like a freight train and I thought for just a second that I might be able to out run the Tsunami, but alas, twas in vain. The emotion hit me and enveloped me fully right there in the van... behind the wheel at 45 mph... on a country road in a beautiful winter wonderland setting amongst the farms and forests... and suddenly I couldn't see a thing through the tears that had come from somewhere in left field. Sarah immediately knew what had happened and felt incredibly guilty but in all honesty, it wasn't her fault any more than it was Molly's or my own. It just kind of happened. Innocently enough, but it did happen. I had found a way to deal with the Dark Side that I had known up until that point but that had been of my own creation, born of simple boredom and a lack of anything better to occupy my mind. How in the bloody blue blazes am I going to combat something like this. Something that comes seemingly out of nowhere, when it is least expected and will even enlist the help of those closest to me?

I tried to turn it into something positive. I used the opportunity to talk to Sarah, explaining that this is exactly what I meant by "The Dark Side" and how I couldn't allow it into my life in any way shape or form. How I needed for her not to think along the lines of "When he is gone I will..." That I needed for her to think about this whole ugly mess as though we are in complete control and would come out of the other side of it just as though it had never happened. Together. Old. With lots of beautiful grandchildren. Alive... but most importantly, I would be THERE and not a fond memory.

That is my intention anyway. And that is what I am putting out to the Universe. I want to LIVE!

I did manage to finish the day not feeling totally depressed and got done all the things I wanted to accomplish so I am calling this one a victory for me. I hope this helps you all to understand a little bit better how I feel about all this and how I would like for everyone to think when they say "I'll keep you in my prayers/thoughts." Not so much that I would dictate how someone would or should pray or send out positive energy or whatever it is that they do when they talk to what they believe God to be. More so that this is how I see things, so far anyway, and that if they could pray and or send their energy to that effect, I believe it would be all the more powerful. At least that's how it works in "my world". Regardless of how someone else does it, I greatly appreciate the fact that they would even think of me at all when they "talk to God". I guess in the end it really doesn't matter how you say it, what's important is that you do say it. If it goes unspoken, how is God/the Universe to know what you desire? (shrugs) Again, my opinion, take it or leave it.

I'll leave you with a saying that has stuck with me for some time and for some reason I am led to put it out to you all now... "Prayer is when you talk to God, meditation is when you listen."
I think both of these types of communication are extremely important and that they should both be practiced equally. It seems to me that someone would be remiss if they only talked and didn't listen. I think that is how relationships fail, with one way communication. And in truth, no matter what you or I believe, that's one relationship we cannot allow to fail...

Light, love and blessings to you all,
T.

Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies!

2008-12-18T13:29:00.002-05:00

Well, once again it's been a rough couple of days. I am still trying to change the way I operate on daily basis. Trying to get myself around and get into something just to keep my mind occupied and not let it turn to the Dark Side. That's what I call it when my mind is idle and my thoughts turn to things I'd rather not think about. Things like dying, losing my battle with cancer, seeing Sarah and the kids in a future that I am not a part of... that's the Dark Side. Thing is, it's really easy, too easy to walk right on over there and feel comfortable even though I know it's a place I don't want to be. Sort of like crossing to the wrong side of the tracks and ducking into a seedy bar and cavorting with ladies of ill repute. You know it's not in your best interest to be there but it's so much easier than doing what you know is right and proper. So this begs the question, "Why is the right thing the hardest thing to do sometimes?" If I had an answer to that I wouldn't be writing about the Dark Side now would I... I think it's much more than simple temptation, it goes deeper than that. I'm not tempted to think of my death and focus my energy on visions of a world without me and I don't believe in the Devil or any other variation of Satan trying to lead me astray. I think that is a cop out. I want to be in control of what I do and what I put out to the universe. I want to live! And I want very much to be a part of my families future for a very, very long time. Having said that I think I need to find something to occupy my mind but I also need to teach myself to focus on what I want to put out to the universe. Just keeping myself busy so I don't think of Dark thoughts doesn't seem like enough any more than surviving isn't truly living. I can get up every day and muddle through the day and I would be surviving but I can also get up every day and want to do something, go somewhere, see someone and be living my life.

So, I would endeavor to occupy myself in order to keep the Dark Side at bay and in addition, I would teach myself to put forth the energy that represents what I truly want to the universe.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Until next time, I bid you peace.

Batten down the hatches!

2008-12-15T16:19:00.004-05:00

Well, it was a rather long weekend. Not a lot got done and I am kind of disappointed by that. I made such a good start on Friday and then super-slacked for the weekend. I did manage to take the kids sledding at mom's on Saturday and to the Christmas party at the local Elk's Lodge yesterday (my step dad and my uncle are members, not me...) and those were lot's of fun, just not very productive for me here at the house. Yesterday evening I started to feel a little under the weather and that carried over to this morning so as you may have guessed, not a lot got done today as well. I did just get back from the dog pound where I paid for the privelage of dog ownership for the next year. Only $10 though so I guess I can't complain too much. They could charge by the pound and I'd have to auction off some kids just to pay for the dog liscences. I also drove just down the road from there to my Uncle Bills to get more anti-biotics for the "Bad-Ass Cat" as there seems to have been a flurry of territorial disputes in our neighborhood lately.

In other news, the dog formerly known as Magnus has been renamed and shall, until further notice, be known as The Grinch. On two separate occasions he was found to have taken x-mas gifts from under the tree and "unwrapping" them in the back yard, hence he is now the Grinch who stole x-mas. If he behaves until the festivities are officially over, he might get his name back... if...

The title of this post refers to the weather here. Yesterday is was almost 50 degrees and I was in my hammock with a tropical drink lounging by the pool (it's my story... work with me...) and at some point during the night someone robbed us! They took all the ice we were storing outside and our warm weather and left us with temps. in the high teens with a nasty windchill. The only evidence were some bird footprints in a small patch of snow and the chickadees are being sought for questioning. Any information that leads to an arrest in this case, whether prosecutable or not, will be rewarded with cookies and hot chocolate.
So, the order was given to batten down the hatches as it is wicked cold here today and not fit for man nor beast, however nothing should deter women or fishes from venturing out to... say the store to get some brownie mix? What. I didn't come up with the saying, I am simply interpreting it the way it reads, that's all I'm saying.

The more I think about the move to California, dreadful though it may be, the more I have grown to dislike the idea of living here in Michigan. It seems as if all the things that were drawing me back here, whether from Texas or California, are slipping away one by one. My Dad is no longer farming, the verdant lush green of the landscapes here in the spring and early summer are being overtaken in the recesses of my mind by the bitter cold of winter. I used to enjoy plowing snow and now it seems like such a chore. I love all the trees in my yard, until it comes time to mow around them or rake up the millions upon millions of leaves in the fall. I think I will miss it after, but I know there will be enough ties here to keep me coming back to visit. It kind of reminds me of my brothers place in the U.P. It's absolutely gorgeous up there and I could spend a long time there, until it snows 3 or 4 feet. I guess if I knew I had the majority of my life yet ahead of me, I might make considerations to put up with these kinds of things but given things as they are I am inclined to go to somewhere more comfortable. I am also of a mind to do the things that I have been putting off for so long with the thinking that I could always do them tomorrow or next year. I have tried to save enough money for the past several years to finally go on a honeymoon to Ireland, and something has always come up. It'll be 18 years next spring that I have had the pleasure of walking this earth with Sarah and still not taken her on our honeymoon. Is there a statute of limitations on such things? I have heard of second honeymoons but I don't recall anything about this in the handbook.

I thought for a long time during the past year that all my dreams had been stripped away from me, like all the things I had dreamed of doing, longed for, or hoped to accomplish were slipping away because of this... disease. I have been trying really hard to get my old truck on the road because of this, it's one of the few I have left along with going to Ireland. After a good deal of soul searching, I think I can let the others go, but these two, I think I'll hold on to, even if for only a little while longer. I think I've earned at least that much.

Well, I seem to have gone through the entire spectrum from laughing to crying all in one post. I hate to leave you on such a downer but that's the way the thoughts came from my mind and that's what this blog is all about, getting them out before I have time to over analyze them. It is what it is.

Until next time, I bid you peace.
T.

New beginnings part two...

2008-12-12T18:46:00.000-05:00

So today was a much better day. I got up, ate, showered, dressed and actually started cleaning the office. I will admit that there was quite a bit of time spent on the PlayStation today with the kids, but Little Big World is a very cool game and they needed a little help. By and large, the bulk of my time was spent in the office cleaning and reorganizing. It looks like, after talking to my sister, that this room may be on the chopping block in the next couple of weeks as she knows someone that is going to be laid off and could use the work to help pay his bills. With the walls finally insulated and more electrical outlets this room would be ship shape and toasty warm. More on that as it develops, but you can be sure I'll take lots of pictures of the progress.

I must also say that in keeping myself busy today, even with menial tasks like cleaning and getting rid of unnecessary clutter, I feel much better tonight. I think that it helped to get some of that stuff off my chest and give it a voice, but also in keeping my mind occupied with other stuff, I didn't have time to think dark or "evil" thoughts. That's not to say I didn't cry, I exchanged a couple of emails that were touching, but by having something to get back to afterward I was able to process them in a timely fashion and move on. Feels good. I look forward to tomorrow, my nephew is spending the night and I am taking them all sledding at Mom's. She is planning on having a bonfire to warm them afterward. With all that and a little hot cocoa, what more could you ask for?

Until then, peace and blessings be with you.

New beginings.

2008-12-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

I keep telling myself that today is the first day of the rest of my life, but I still find it hard to muster the motivation necessary to get going at any point during the day, to do any of the tasks that need done. It's as if I have no purpose, even though I know I have many. I think that the core of the problem is that I have all day, every day to do whatever... It's as if I am telling myself subconsciously that I can go and work on this or fix that later in the day. Then when later rolls around, I tell myself it can be done tomorrow. It is a vicious cycle that plays out in my head on a daily basis.

A while ago, while dealing with some depression (self diagnosed) I told my wife that it seemed as if all my dreams had been taken from me. I now realize that although some of my dreams may seem unatainable now, they need not be gone from me. Perhaps they have just stepped aside to make room for new dreams. In any case, most of the things I had desired, goals I had hoped to accomplish, they're simply on hold, indefinitely, until I have a handle on this thing that has caused me such grief. LOL, I find it hard even now, almost a year later, to call it by it common name, "cancer". The doctors told me that it is considered a type of blod cancer, maybe that's why. I don't think in my mind or in my heart that I am in any way afraid of it. I would not give it such power over me. Maybe I call it cancer because that's easier to say than Myelofibrosis and requires less explanation when I tell someone what it is that afflicts me. At any rate, I try really hard not to give it any voice, power, or thought other than that which I give to it in fighting it.

I am trying hard to spend as much time as possible in pursuit of the seemingly small insignificant things that I have put off for so long. Things like vacations, artistic pursuits like photography and even blogging, and spending time with my wife and children. I should like very much to get my shop set up again and create things out of wood. Useful things as well as whimsical things. Things that serve no purpose other than to draw one into them, make you want to touch them and ask what they are for. I have even been considering taking classes at a local community college to try to expand on my photography skills which are still in their infancy. I don't necessarily want to pursue a degree or start a career, just to find out who I am and what I am truly capable of.

Thus begin my adventures with... cancer. I hope you enjoy my antics and will join me from time to time. And feel free to leave any comments you care to.

Peace be with you,
Tracy.