So, it's been a while since I posted anything. Please
accept my humblest apologies, this has turned into a trying year for
me... I started off the New Year with a cold that lasted almost the
entire month of January. Then we were whisked away on a Caribbean
cruise From Galveston to Roatan, an island off Honduras, then on to
Belize City, Belize and finally to Cozumel, Mexico before returning
to Galveston. Then February brought me the flu (SO glad I got my FLU
shot! Not...) along with some weird skin ailments, sore joints and
muscles, fatigue and a few other “concerns”. Now I have found
another cold... YIPEE!!! Don't you all fret none, I'm off in just a
few hours to see the Dr. and see what can be done to bring all this
fun into check before 2013 runs completely off the rails. I'll keep
you posted.
In keeping with tradition here on the blog I have to be
completely honest and open. As some of you might imagine dealing with
all this sickness, one after another, and the added stress of not
knowing what some of the other maladies were caused by has led me to
fall into a rather depressed state again. Throw into the mix the fact
that I feel and want desperately to get back to work but have no idea
where to even begin and things have gotten ugly. Really ugly... There
was a brief moment, after tossing and turning for hours one night
trying desperately to return to sleep that I thought it might have
been easier/better had I not survived the transplant. That thought
alone scared me to the very core... I have NEVER felt like that and I
have NO IDEA where such a thought even CAME FROM! Now having said
that please, PLEASE do NOT start to worry, I am taking action and
have contacted the right people to get the help I need. Again, I'm
just keeping it real. This is the Dark Side at it's darkest and the
facts of life are “you take the good, you take the bad. You take
the rest and there you have... the facts of life.” I have not held
anything back in writing this blog and I'm not about to start now. I
want you all to know the whole story as it plays out. I feel I owe
you all that much at least... As before, I'll keep you posted.
You know it's a funny thing, dealing with cancer. There
are so many experts who can guide you through the treatment process
from doctors to nurses, support staff and even counselors who are
ready and willing to see you through the battle but once it's over
there simply are no rules, no guide books on how things will go. I
know of patients with cancers similar to, if not the same as, what I
had. (Those of you who are paying attention will have noted that
spark of positivity - “had”) One has gone back to work at the job
he held before. Some are still recovering, some didn't make it and
last I knew there was still one who, over a year after treatment was
STILL at the BMTU because his numbers hadn't returned to safe enough
levels for them to feel comfortable letting him go home. Then there's
me... For the most part things have gone very, very well and yet I
still feel lost. I heard a song the other day wherein the lyrics went
something like “you can't be lost if you don't have a
destination...” So I guess since I don't know where I'm headed I
technically can't be “lost”, but that's the best way to describe
how it feels. I try not to be too hard on myself but at the same time
I think that if I'm not going to make SOMETHING happen who will? I
mean I have to take some responsibility here, right? This is my life
and no one can live it but me. Here's the catch... People always tell
me this is such an amazing opportunity to do the things I've always
wanted to do. I can BE anything with regards to work, the slate is
wiped clean... But I was DOING what I loved, chasing my dream and now
my strength has gone and the doctors have advised not being around
sawdust, nor can I be in the sun for long periods with out taking
extreme care not to leave any skin exposed as even the slightest
sunburn can be fatal.
So where does one go, which direction do I take when
the things I loved doing are no longer an option? How do you find a
new passion, a new direction for your life? How does one start fresh
at nearly 42...? I try to have faith that He has a plan, I just wish
He'd give me a bit of a teaser cause this flying blind is getting old
and I begin to wonder is my faith strong enough to see me through
this. I suppose that's something I have to figure out on my own, like
so many other things. God help me, I'm trying...
