Friday, March 22, 2013

Keep the FAITH!

       So, it's been a while since I posted anything. Please accept my humblest apologies, this has turned into a trying year for me... I started off the New Year with a cold that lasted almost the entire month of January. Then we were whisked away on a Caribbean cruise From Galveston to Roatan, an island off Honduras, then on to Belize City, Belize and finally to Cozumel, Mexico before returning to Galveston. Then February brought me the flu (SO glad I got my FLU shot! Not...) along with some weird skin ailments, sore joints and muscles, fatigue and a few other “concerns”. Now I have found another cold... YIPEE!!! Don't you all fret none, I'm off in just a few hours to see the Dr. and see what can be done to bring all this fun into check before 2013 runs completely off the rails. I'll keep you posted.

        In keeping with tradition here on the blog I have to be completely honest and open. As some of you might imagine dealing with all this sickness, one after another, and the added stress of not knowing what some of the other maladies were caused by has led me to fall into a rather depressed state again. Throw into the mix the fact that I feel and want desperately to get back to work but have no idea where to even begin and things have gotten ugly. Really ugly... There was a brief moment, after tossing and turning for hours one night trying desperately to return to sleep that I thought it might have been easier/better had I not survived the transplant. That thought alone scared me to the very core... I have NEVER felt like that and I have NO IDEA where such a thought even CAME FROM! Now having said that please, PLEASE do NOT start to worry, I am taking action and have contacted the right people to get the help I need. Again, I'm just keeping it real. This is the Dark Side at it's darkest and the facts of life are “you take the good, you take the bad. You take the rest and there you have... the facts of life.” I have not held anything back in writing this blog and I'm not about to start now. I want you all to know the whole story as it plays out. I feel I owe you all that much at least... As before, I'll keep you posted.

      You know it's a funny thing, dealing with cancer. There are so many experts who can guide you through the treatment process from doctors to nurses, support staff and even counselors who are ready and willing to see you through the battle but once it's over there simply are no rules, no guide books on how things will go. I know of patients with cancers similar to, if not the same as, what I had. (Those of you who are paying attention will have noted that spark of positivity - “had”) One has gone back to work at the job he held before. Some are still recovering, some didn't make it and last I knew there was still one who, over a year after treatment was STILL at the BMTU because his numbers hadn't returned to safe enough levels for them to feel comfortable letting him go home. Then there's me... For the most part things have gone very, very well and yet I still feel lost. I heard a song the other day wherein the lyrics went something like “you can't be lost if you don't have a destination...” So I guess since I don't know where I'm headed I technically can't be “lost”, but that's the best way to describe how it feels. I try not to be too hard on myself but at the same time I think that if I'm not going to make SOMETHING happen who will? I mean I have to take some responsibility here, right? This is my life and no one can live it but me. Here's the catch... People always tell me this is such an amazing opportunity to do the things I've always wanted to do. I can BE anything with regards to work, the slate is wiped clean... But I was DOING what I loved, chasing my dream and now my strength has gone and the doctors have advised not being around sawdust, nor can I be in the sun for long periods with out taking extreme care not to leave any skin exposed as even the slightest sunburn can be fatal.
       So where does one go, which direction do I take when the things I loved doing are no longer an option? How do you find a new passion, a new direction for your life? How does one start fresh at nearly 42...? I try to have faith that He has a plan, I just wish He'd give me a bit of a teaser cause this flying blind is getting old and I begin to wonder is my faith strong enough to see me through this. I suppose that's something I have to figure out on my own, like so many other things. God help me, I'm trying...