Someone said that to me not too long ago, and that one question I think underscores just how little most people understand depression. So today I’d like to take some time and discuss that.
First, that statement, no matter how well intentioned, is terribly dismissive of what a depressed person is going through. Asking that only piles on guilt to what is already a difficult thing to deal with. It trivializes everything that person is already thinking in their head, over, and over, and over day in and day out. I get it, you don’t SEE the effects depression has on a person. Unlike a broken arm or crutches, unlike the pale-skinned pallor or the extreme baldness of chemo, the outward signs of depression simply don’t show and we are sadly prone to judge things by their outward appearances.
Second, it tells the person just how little you really know them and can thus be alienating, causing them to withdraw not only from openly talking to you about it, but to others as well. It can feel like no one understands (which, to be fair, very few do). So why bother opening up about something that is already painful?
When someone tells you they’re depressed the FIRST thing for you to do is NOT judge them or discount them. Don’t question what they’re saying just because you can’t physically see anything wrong or you can’t imagine why they could be depressed. Just take their word for it.
Instead of asking what they have to be depressed about, ask them how you can help. More often than not just simply listening to them, or even just staying with them so they’re not alone is all that is needed. DO NOT try to “fix” them. Don’t try to convince them that they’re doing better than they think they are. It’s depression, not a broken arm or a splinter, and there is no short term, easy to administer quick fix.
If you take nothing else away from reading this please understand that it takes immense courage just to tell someone you are feeling depressed. It’s HARD, and I can’t begin to tell you why, save that comments like “what do you have to be depressed about” added to the overwhelming misunderstandings and stigma surrounding depression make the simplest and most mundane of tasks difficult. I’ll go into some things you CAN do to help in future posts. For now, just reach out to someone you haven’t heard from in a while and let them know you care, that you miss them. If they are suffering from depression you will have shed a bright light into the darkness that envelops them. If they aren’t depressed, then at least you will have done them a simple kindness and the world can never have too many of those going ‘round…
