Friday, August 12, 2011

Seattle week 15

Greetings and salutations from the Emerald City. It's been a while eh? Well let me tell you what I have been up to. Lots of healing (that's been my top priority), watching crappy reruns on TV and staying up late to see the shows I like because I don't have my trusty DVR here, a little reading (it makes me sleepy or I would read more), getting out and seeing the sights in and around Seattle, sampling the local food, watching more movies in the past three months in the theater than in the past 15 years (being here without the kids does have it's advantages). We got to visit with the kids for nearly a week when Frank and Sharon brought them up for Molly's birthday... I can't begin to tell you how much we missed them and what that meant to both Sarah and I. Thank you Frank and Sharon, we owe you big for that!

Health wise I'm doing great, physically. The numbers continue to rise and there have been no real complications except for a virus that the doctors caught onto right away and took care of it. They knew I had it in my system before the transplant and were simply waiting for it to manifest. It's good to have such knowledgeable professionals working on my behalf. Spiritually, this has certainly been a test and I can't wait to get back to my church family and feel the love and strength of God as we gather to worship Him. I strive to live a more Christ-like life and I know I could do better. I'm trying and I have faith that He knows that. Mentally... well, things could be better. I have always used this Blog/update as a tool to improve myself, and to let you all know how I feel. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. This is one of those not so good times... I struggle with my sense of self, my fears of what I have and will become, how I will fit into my family either working or staying at home, what are my dreams for the future, now that just plain staying alive seems like a very real possibility. For so long life and death and my delicate walking of that fine line between the two has been all consuming. So now that the balance has been tipped in my favor, where do I redirect my thoughts? Then there are the feelings of abandonment. Feeling like some people couldn't be bothered to write or call. Most of my days whether in or out of the hospital are spent sitting. At the apartment I watch TV and try to read. I hope and wish the phone would ring or I'd find an email or a letter, but alas, only a few took the time and I greatly appreciate their efforts. Perhaps some didn't fully grasp the gravity of my situation, maybe I could have done more to make it clearer. Maybe some see this as something similar to something they went through and I should just suck it up, well that's just not me... I could have used, and still could use your support. I guess that's why I didn't write for so long, I started to feel like no one really read this or even cared. I know that may hurt some feelings but in all honesty mine have been hurt for a while now. This is some serious s#!t that I have been going through and regardless of your opinion of how you would handle it or how you think I should handle it the truth is we're not the same person. Many of you should know that I'm a very emotional person and I take things to heart. My feelings get hurt easily sometimes - times like this. And here's a little FaceBook etiquette for those utilizing that social network, one line comments on my status updates are not really very helpful. Write me an email, a snail mail letter, even a postcard or better yet, call me. Don't put this all back on me with the excuse that I could call too. I have made a few phone calls and I will not bear the brunt of this. I know that it's hard when I'm so far away and things are so incredibly scary, but leaving me to fight this on my own surely isn’t going to help. I'd rather we sat and just cried together on the phone than try to ignore the problem. It's not going away, my home is here now (well, in California not Seattle) but I'll visit, in fact I just DID a few months ago. And my house is always open to guests and I pride myself on my Irish hospitality.

We are typically at the hospital Tuesday and Friday mornings from about 8-12 but there are a host of “going home” appointments scheduled over the next two weeks. If I am busy in a procedure, Sarah will have my phone. If we are both unavailable leave a voice message and I'll call you back as soon as I can, I promise. You can also respond to this Blog post right at the bottom of the page under the post, email me a reply to the mass email I send out to notify everyone of the updates (if you want it to be private be sure not to “reply all”) send me a general email, write a letter (the post office will still deliver them for a nominal fee) or send a message via carrier pigeon. Smoke signals are not advised as we are under almost constant cloud cover here in the Emerald City, nor am I set up for telegraph or Morse code. If you really want to do something for me, that's what you can do.

1 comment:

  1. Tracy,

    Hello in Seattle! How wonderful that you are able to take in the sights, smells, sounds and tastes of the area. See any vampires sparkling in the occassional rays of sunshine?

    Having your wife with you is MOST wonderful but I know you miss having your family all together....I'm so glad you have found some fun and smiles to brighten your days there. You may not feel this way, but I believe you have been extremely brave through this entire ordeal and I know it isn't over yet. I realize it won't ever really be 'over' as you will be under 'watch', but you can and will move on to live a better life. I have no doubts that you will find the next path you are to take, God will reveal that to you in His time. In the mean time, just take it one step at a time, sometimes literally one minute at a time...which I know you are treasuring every single one of (minutes that is). Your future may lead you to something grand and put you center stage, but it may lead you to where you were already headed before this health issue was revealed to you. The difference may be that you have a stronger faith and greater appreciation for all that you have, even if it remains a quiet, fairly normal, life. YOU have grown and changed over this, your entire family has come to appreciate each other more and all the little things DO add up and mean a lot more to each of you now.

    I apologize for not considering sending a more personal note before and only commenting on FB. (I saw you did receive my postcards & hat, tho it wasn't much personal.) I am writing this via the blog instead of sending it more privately as I want my apology heard.

    I have been concerned for you and your family ever since I found out about your health and you have been in my prayers. I have failed here though, as I know the road to recovery from any illness is difficult and receiving a card, a call, or a note can lighten the load if even only for a moment. I am usually one to reach out and I am sorry Tracy, for not doing a better job of it. It feels a little awkward as we don't know each other well and I feel as though I have inserted myself into your life here, but then I recall that it was you who reached out to me first. I don't want to tread on your life and seem a nosy noodle, but I do want you to know I care about what you are going through and I care about you. It's truly my nature to care about others, whether I know them well or not. So my friend, I am sorry and I support you and hope you have felt that support along the way and I WILL write again....although next time via email or snail mail! Just wanted others to see that it isn't so hard to send a note and an apology!

    God Bless you My Gorilla Fighter!