Sunday, January 12, 2014

It's been a while...

     WOW! Has it really been since April of last year that I wrote anything here? I had to go back to that last post to see what news I had then. So, let’s pick up where we left off shall we?

     Health wise since the last post I had a squamous cell carcinoma (a very common form of skin cancer) removed from my right cheek and more recently a mole on my back biopsied. The numbers are all still stable and after 2014 rang in with the flu, I plan on getting back on the exercise wagon. Much, but not all, of the loss of range of motion in my wrists has gone away but there’s still plenty of progress to be made. We’ve started walking the dog, yes just one, we lost Sally a few months ago. The search is now beginning for another fur child as Magnus has become very lonely without her and clings to us as though we are leaving him too. That’s the physical health news.

     As for emotional/mental health, that’s another story. I can’t help but continue to ask myself why it feels like I've fought my way through hell and BACK and feel like I have to give up one more thing I love...? What more must I surrender? What more cost is there to pay? Is being reborn worth it if I am forced to let everything go, material, family and friends now thousands of miles away, dreams of where I wanted to be, goals I had set…  Because some days I'm not sure I have what it takes to let it all go for this, to beat cancer.

      I feel I need to draw the line here, with the food I eat, with my truck, with my shop. I'm through sacrificing for a disease that I feel I've already conquered or for a plan of God's that I can't see... Why can't He just show me? Even a clue? Am I that untrustworthy that He thinks I'd abandon Him, after all this?!?

     Or is this just all the drugs talking... I don't know who I am or who I want to be anymore and the harder I try to make sense of it all, the harder I try to figure it all out, the more confused and discouraged I get.

     Seems like piecing life back together post cancer ain’t so easy for some. I’ve had a cognitive test to determine if there was any appreciable loss of brain function but everything looks fine according to the doctors (go ahead, crack your jokes).  I also continue to see a counselor but again, as with the past counseling, things are getting to a point where it’s not needed or rather it’s not improving things. It would seem that the rest is up to me now and to that end I recently purchased a used table saw listed on Craigslist, had a very good friend help me wire in some 220V outlets and rewire my 110 dust collector to run on 220. Just a bit more cleaning and rearranging in the garage and it ought to look like a proper woodshop. I’ll be starting small with projects like bird houses, garden structures and maybe a few gift items I have in mind. I’ve also talked to a (not so) local high school instructor who requested some volunteer help in his classes. He’s new to teaching and as you can imagine with four classes of 20+ freshmen and sophomores in a wood shop there is a lot of potential for accidents, teenagers being teenagers and all. I’ve met with him and signed the requisite paperwork then had to wait for a TB test which I now have the results of but need to finish kicking this flu to the curb. I’ve also decided to take a couple of classes at the local college, a book making class and one other have caught my fancy, just to see how well I might do in school learning skills toward a new career.  I still have plans to get the truck back on the road this year too, she’s been neglected far too long…

     So I hope things are well with all of you, I know they’re looking up for me, I just have to keep fanning the flames of hope! I'll leave you with one last bit of wisdom and that is this; I learned a very valuable lesson last year while on a lengthy vacation. We nearly passed on visiting a very good friend and his family as we had set a busy schedule, but decided we would make it work. When I called him late that evening he said they could probably visit for half an hour or so, that visit turned into several hours of all of our kids romping around their small farm and house and the adults sitting at the kitchen table nibbling on finger foods and reminiscing and catching up. It was one of the best times I ever had with him... A couple of weeks later we returned home and found out that he had tragically lost his life in an automobile accident. All that to say this, take EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY that comes your way to visit with those close to you and if they don't present themselves then do what you have to to make it happen. It's been said more times than anyone cares to think about but it bears repeating: You never know when your time is up, so make the best of it while you can. I miss you Adam, but I will NEVER forget you my friend. Godspeed!

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