What do you have to be depressed about?

Someone said that to me not too long ago, and that one question I think underscores just how little most people understand depression. So today I’d like to take some time and discuss that.

First, that statement, no matter how well intentioned, is terribly dismissive of what a depressed person is going through. Asking that only piles on guilt to what is already a difficult thing to deal with. It trivializes everything that person is already thinking in their head, over, and over, and over day in and day out. I get it, you don’t SEE the effects depression has on a person. Unlike a broken arm or crutches, unlike the pale-skinned pallor or the extreme baldness of chemo, the outward signs of depression simply don’t show and we are sadly prone to judge things by their outward appearances. 

Second, it tells the person just how little you really know them and can thus be alienating, causing them to withdraw not only from openly talking to you about it, but to others as well. It can feel like no one understands (which, to be fair, very few do). So why bother opening up about something that is already painful?

When someone tells you they’re depressed the FIRST thing for you to do is NOT judge them or discount them. Don’t question what they’re saying just because you can’t physically see anything wrong or you can’t imagine why they could be depressed. Just take their word for it. 

Instead of asking what they have to be depressed about, ask them how you can help. More often than not just simply listening to them, or even just staying with them so they’re not alone is all that is needed. DO NOT try to “fix” them. Don’t try to convince them that they’re doing better than they think they are. It’s depression, not a broken arm or a splinter, and there is no short term, easy to administer quick fix. 

If you take nothing else away from reading this please understand that it takes immense courage just to tell someone you are feeling depressed. It’s HARD, and I can’t begin to tell you why, save that comments like “what do you have to be depressed about” added to the overwhelming misunderstandings and stigma surrounding depression make the simplest and most mundane of tasks difficult. I’ll go into some things you CAN do to help in future posts. For now, just reach out to someone you haven’t heard from in a while and let them know you care, that you miss them. If they are suffering from depression you will have shed a bright light into the darkness that envelops them. If they aren’t depressed, then at least you will have done them a simple kindness and the world can never have too many of those going ‘round…

Want better? Be better.

     Many people are speaking out very vocally about some things which they see as problems, and they seem to want others to fix them. It's Obama's fault, it's Trump's fault, my unruly neighbors, my lazy coworkers, the list goes on and on ad nauseam. I've begun to question what these people are doing directly to address these various situations. Invariably, they have little to offer. 

     I've also been doing a lot of reading, looking into ways I myself can effect change in the areas I feel could stand to be improved. I'm also trying to be a more informed citizen of the republic while at the same time trying to filter out the cacophony of utter nonsense and BS that is hurled at us on a daily basis. That said, I'm going to great lengths to not just dig into that which supports my preconceived notions, but to also try to find out where those with opposing viewpoints are coming from. Only in understanding one another can we begin to come to terms with our differences and start to find some sort of compromise to each of the major issues we face in this country. Here's the thing, we first have to realize one universal fact: None of us will get everything we want in all of the issues. There are no winners, there are no losers, we either all get a little something or we all get nothing. 

     One of the people I have been following is Jim Wright and one of the things he has said, more than once, is that if we want better government we need to be better citizens. I couldn't agree with anything more. I also believe that this sentiment applies to many other aspects of our lives. for example:

Want a better neighborhood? Be better neighbors.
Want better friends? Be a better friend.
Want a better church? Be a better congregant.
Want a better marriage? Be a better spouse.

     In all of these, and likely many more that I can't think of off the top of my head, I believe this formula holds true. At the very least, even if things don't work out, you will know you did the absolute best you could in whatever capacity. In the end, that's really all we can expect of one another. Furthermore, there's a level of acceptance in knowing that you put everything you had into these scenarios. Just imagine what your marriage (or other relationship), your neighborhood, church, city, county, state, republic, and even the world might be like if we approached things in such a way. 

     Being a better spouse/partner doesn't mean doing for them only after they start doing for you. Being a better neighbor doesn't mean never getting to know your neighbors and giving them their privacy, while in the next breath bemoaning their lawn maintenance skills or the volume and style of their music. Being a better citizen doesn't mean complaining loudly to those who already agree with you about the "other party" or deleting that friend or relative from your social media because you disagree with them, it means getting more engaged. What, you don't have time? I submit that if you have time to complain about those with opposing views then you have time to sit down and listen to them, to get to know them, understand them, and to see where they're coming from. Part of being a better anything, in fact I'd argue it's the largest part, is listening. We all want to be heard. All of us. Yet how often are we willing to just listen? 

     Bottom line, if no one is willing to take the first step, we ain't goin' nowhere...

     So, if you want better, BE better. 

Think of the children...

     I’ll be perfectly frank and candid, separating young children from their parents does irreparable damage to their mental development and in many cases is a crime punishable by law in these United States. If these were American citizens in any foreign nation people here would be demanding our government let slip the dogs of war and unleash the unbridled hell that is our full and complete military might.

     Espousing the policy and actions of the current administration as they pertain to this matter by saying things like “it’s been the law since…” or proclaiming that citizens who commit felonies and have children are separated from them is utter nonsense. Pointing fingers at the opposing team/political party gets us nowhere.

     Using young, innocent children whose parents are striving for a better life is reprehensible and downright deplorable. The very fact that ANY American citizen, ANY parent, ANY Christian, ANY human being with an iota of compassion and empathy thinks this is ok is so far removed from what God and Jesus have taught. I cannot quote you scripture to support that statement but, if you feel you need to have hard evidence to support that claim I’d reply that you don’t have he foggiest idea what you’re talking about and I have neither the time, nor the inclination to entertain such foolishness.

     The last time ANY American citizen’s “freedom” was threatened was during WWII. Those who defended our freedom during that time are the last men and women who, in my humble opinion, earned the rights bestowed by the U.S. Constitution. The rest of us were fortunate enough to have been born into those rights and freedoms, they weren’t earned, they were our birthright.
Those who were born into the strife and violence that exists today in many other parts of the world, including Central and South America, were not so fortunate. Not by a very, very long shot. So when people try to use things like scripture to prop up their abhorrent policies and behavior I immediately get angry. Real angry.

     I will not stand for this, I will not sit or lie down for this. This policy must stop, immediately. I implore you to take swift and immediate action, to contact those who represent you in our government and make your thoughts on this known, and do not let up until this ceases.
Now is the time for all good citizens, for every person proclaiming Christ as their savior to toe the line and do your civic duty, to make your voice heard, to be counted on the right side of history.

     Mark my words, we as a nation will be judged by how we treat these children, and I’ve no doubt we will be judged on that day when Christ returns.

     What side of history will you be on?

See me, hear me, nothing more.

     Yesterday, in the wake of Kate Spade’s, suicide with everyone talking about it, I noticed some things. First, a DJ on Sirius XM was talking about it and addressed those who are suffering from depression. He said this- “First, get help.” Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? But it’s not WHAT he said, but HOW he said it. It was the tone of voice he took, he said “get help” as if those who are depressed are too stupid to think of that. 

     I heard that right before I visited an acquaintance I hadn't seen in quite a while. He asked where I'd been and I matter of factly said "I've been depressed."  I don't know if he thought it was a joke, but clearly he didn't "get it". He flippantly said, “What do you have to be depressed about?” as if to imply that I had so much going for me that  I shouldn't be depressed. I've heard of children asking their parents why Kate Spade committed suicide, she had millions of dollars, what did she have to be depressed about? 

     Here's the thing, depression is a monster. No matter how good your life looks on the outside, depression eats you up from the inside. There are people in your life right now who are hiding the fact they are suffering, because in our society depression is seen as a weakness, not an illness. Because it's seen as a weakness, because it's so misunderstood, those suffering from it are very hesitant to speak up about it. They feel judged, they feel as though people see them as lazy, as trying to get out of work or just being an adult. Be honest, how many of you have thought those things?

     Tell someone you have cancer and they'll ask about your tumor, but mine didn't come with tumors. They'll want to know when the surgery is, mine wasn't treated with surgery, not directly at least. Someone says they're hurting from depression and people ask where it hurts, they only understand physical pain. Someone says they're depressed and people ask why. They don't "get it".

     Later, while watching some news stories about Kate's suicide, the discussion of one news snippet immediately focused on Kate's family, talking about how much they must be suffering now. My reaction to that was "How much was KATE SUFFERING before her suicide that led her to take such a drastic course of action???" That's as close to what is known as victim shaming as I have ever heard. I get it, her family is now hurting, grieving, perhaps blaming themselves for not seeing the signs, but here's the thing- trying to switch the focus to the living diminishes the suffering of the one suffering from depression. It dismisses it outright, and you simply cannot guilt people who are depressed into not taking their lives because it'll hurt others. You simply can't...

     Here's the rub, those who are suffering from depression are already hurting and those around them can't see it. Often they'll reach out and be dismissed by the ones they are seeking help from. "What do you have to be depressed about?" "Just choose to be happy." "You gotta eliminate the assholes from your life." "Why can't you be more positive?" Those are all things I have heard when I have brought up the subject. "Get help..."? That's the clarion call of those with depression reaching out, and you've dismissed it. Remember that scene from A Few Good Men? Lt. Kaffee is asking Col. Jessup questions, trying to get to the truth- 

Col. Jessup: You want answers?
Lt. Kaffee: I think I'm entitled!
Col. Jessup: You want answers?!?
Lt. Kaffee: I WANT THE TRUTH!!
Col. Jessup: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

     That's how most of the one on one conversations about depression (and mental health in general) go, when they're boiled down. A person wants to know why  their friend is suffering, why they are suffering, how it is that they can't see just how easy it is to "be happy". But when faced with the truth, they can't handle it. People shy away from these conversations, they try to simplify it, because they just don't "get it".

     I wish I could give you a list of ways which would help you fix them, I know that's what you are ultimately looking for, deep down that's what we're all looking for. But it doesn't work that way. But don't despair, I will let you in on a little secret, I'll give you a tip, the one thing that you can do the next time someone tells you they're depressed, or the next time someone wants to talk about some really heavy stuff. What they want, what they NEED, more than anything is for you to listen. Just, listen... It's that simple. Listen. Don't try to fix their problem, you can't. Don't try to talk them out of it, you can't. They seriously just need you to listen. Recognize them and their suffering. Acknowledge them and their suffering. 

     See them. Hear them. Acknowledge them. Sit with them. Be with them. That's what they want and need, that's what I want and need. No judgement, no suggestions, no fixing, no gossiping about it later to others. 

     Do that and you'll learn more about depression than you could any other way. Do that and your relationship with that person will grow in depth, breadth, width, and in ways you never could've imagined. Do that and you may just save a life.