Yesterday, in the wake of Kate Spade’s, suicide with everyone talking about it, I noticed some things. First, a DJ on Sirius XM was talking about it and addressed those who are suffering from depression. He said this- “First, get help.” Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? But it’s not WHAT he said, but HOW he said it. It was the tone of voice he took, he said “get help” as if those who are depressed are too stupid to think of that.
I heard that right before I visited an acquaintance I hadn't seen in quite a while. He asked where I'd been and I matter of factly said "I've been depressed." I don't know if he thought it was a joke, but clearly he didn't "get it". He flippantly said, “What do you have to be depressed about?” as if to imply that I had so much going for me that I shouldn't be depressed. I've heard of children asking their parents why Kate Spade committed suicide, she had millions of dollars, what did she have to be depressed about?
Here's the thing, depression is a monster. No matter how good your life looks on the outside, depression eats you up from the inside. There are people in your life right now who are hiding the fact they are suffering, because in our society depression is seen as a weakness, not an illness. Because it's seen as a weakness, because it's so misunderstood, those suffering from it are very hesitant to speak up about it. They feel judged, they feel as though people see them as lazy, as trying to get out of work or just being an adult. Be honest, how many of you have thought those things?
Tell someone you have cancer and they'll ask about your tumor, but mine didn't come with tumors. They'll want to know when the surgery is, mine wasn't treated with surgery, not directly at least. Someone says they're hurting from depression and people ask where it hurts, they only understand physical pain. Someone says they're depressed and people ask why. They don't "get it".
Later, while watching some news stories about Kate's suicide, the discussion of one news snippet immediately focused on Kate's family, talking about how much they must be suffering now. My reaction to that was "How much was KATE SUFFERING before her suicide that led her to take such a drastic course of action???" That's as close to what is known as victim shaming as I have ever heard. I get it, her family is now hurting, grieving, perhaps blaming themselves for not seeing the signs, but here's the thing- trying to switch the focus to the living diminishes the suffering of the one suffering from depression. It dismisses it outright, and you simply cannot guilt people who are depressed into not taking their lives because it'll hurt others. You simply can't...
Here's the rub, those who are suffering from depression are already hurting and those around them can't see it. Often they'll reach out and be dismissed by the ones they are seeking help from. "What do you have to be depressed about?" "Just choose to be happy." "You gotta eliminate the assholes from your life." "Why can't you be more positive?" Those are all things I have heard when I have brought up the subject. "Get help..."? That's the clarion call of those with depression reaching out, and you've dismissed it. Remember that scene from A Few Good Men? Lt. Kaffee is asking Col. Jessup questions, trying to get to the truth-
Col. Jessup: You want answers?
Lt. Kaffee: I think I'm entitled!
Col. Jessup: You want answers?!?
Lt. Kaffee: I WANT THE TRUTH!!
Col. Jessup: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
That's how most of the one on one conversations about depression (and mental health in general) go, when they're boiled down. A person wants to know why their friend is suffering, why they are suffering, how it is that they can't see just how easy it is to "be happy". But when faced with the truth, they can't handle it. People shy away from these conversations, they try to simplify it, because they just don't "get it".
I wish I could give you a list of ways which would help you fix them, I know that's what you are ultimately looking for, deep down that's what we're all looking for. But it doesn't work that way. But don't despair, I will let you in on a little secret, I'll give you a tip, the one thing that you can do the next time someone tells you they're depressed, or the next time someone wants to talk about some really heavy stuff. What they want, what they NEED, more than anything is for you to listen. Just, listen... It's that simple. Listen. Don't try to fix their problem, you can't. Don't try to talk them out of it, you can't. They seriously just need you to listen. Recognize them and their suffering. Acknowledge them and their suffering.
See them. Hear them. Acknowledge them. Sit with them. Be with them. That's what they want and need, that's what I want and need. No judgement, no suggestions, no fixing, no gossiping about it later to others.
Do that and you'll learn more about depression than you could any other way. Do that and your relationship with that person will grow in depth, breadth, width, and in ways you never could've imagined. Do that and you may just save a life.
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