Monday, February 2, 2009

Look to tomorrow.

So, there are good days and bad days. Mostly the bad days consist of emotional downs. That is to say, days when I feel like I don't have it in me to take another step, when I simply can't see what tomorrow could possibly bring. Today turned out to be one of those days. While talking to my sister this evening, she mentioned what a hard time Dad is having trying to cope with not being a farmer and looking for employment in an economy that has little if any suited to him, and in a state that offers little hope of finding any employment suited to you or not. He had been a farmer for over thirty five years and finally decided that he was no longer physically able to perform the tasks necessary to raise cattle. The cattle are what kept him going through all the pain, cold rainy miserable days, the flu, the blistering heat... through it all, even his two divorces, they remained his constant. And now they're gone, and by his own choosing! I know he is in emotional pain and struggling with what to do next. One friend of his told him "This is your chance to do what you've always wanted to do", she obviously doesn't know him very well. He was doing the one thing he wanted to do...

I see that he has a hard time communicating his emotions, and I think that is what led to my day ending so bad. It brought out all the negative emotions that have been hiding out in the deepest recesses of my mind. Trying to gather strength for my moment of weakness. My wife and I are planning to move to California where her family lives and the weather is much more... pleasant let's say. The biggest hurdle we face is finding insurance that will take me with the blood disorder. We are trying to find suitable coverage but are on a limited income. It hasn't been easy thus far. Thinking about my Dad and his troubles made me start thinking "What if we can't find coverage out there?" Are we then stuck here? Our minds are already in Cali., our hearts are already saying goodbye to all the things we love here in Michigan. What if this doesn't work out? Where before I couldn't see through all this to five years from now, to next year even, now I can't even see past tonight. What does tomorrow have in store for me? Now I am truly worried about the future. I guess maybe because my Dad has always been my rock. One of a very few constants by which I could navigate through life and that would help me find my way. Now, if he is adrift with the tide, how will I fond my way?

I will wake up tomorrow and see where the night has taken me. I will get my bearings as best I can, and I'll adjust my sails to make best use of the available winds and I shall sail on. I have a plan. It may not be a very good plan, but I can refine it as I go to meet the obstacles that are placed in my path. I vow to move ever forward toward my destination and should I be blessed enough to reach it, I'll set me eyes on another destination and continue on. I know no other way. Some will surely be left behind, but who's to say I might not just sail back this way again, maybe take them for a little ride and enjoy life's wondrous joys together. I know that through it all, my Sarah will be by my side to take the wheel should I need to rest a spell. Her course is my course and mine, hers. Together we shall see just what this world has in store for two star crossed lovers...

I truly hope you have such a first class mate to journey along with you. And may you be blessed with fair weather and a stiff breeze at your back.

Blessed be,

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