Another rung up the ladder

As many of you know, Sarah and I took a little trip Tuesday night up to Seattle. I have agonized for days on what transpired and just how to pass along the information I got there. Today my thinking is like this: I got next to nothing out of the trip. Yeah, that’s what I said, nothing. It honestly feels like the things the doctor said undid all the work that I had done in shoring up my emotions. I know that was not the purpose or what they intended, but that is how it feels. The doctor gave me numbers, and quite good ones too, of over 50% success rates and less then 13% mortality rates but… that was in a very recent study not even published yet and it dealt with generally older patients who got a much less aggressive chemo routine that they will likely not be using with me… fat lot of good that does me eh?

Then we talked with the social worker about what our stay there would be like. It won’t be fun by any stretch of the imagination. 3-4 weeks of testing to include yet ANOTHER bone marrow biopsy, 2-4 weeks in the bone marrow transplant ward of the hospital, followed by daily visits back to the hospital from an apartment where no-one can come to visit, where we cannot have pets, plants or anything that resembles a normal life. That should taper off to once a week visits and if, IF things go well I may get to come home early where they would like for us to not have the dogs. And there will still be plenty of doctor visits with Dr. Martin here in California. I suppose that is the one shining light in all this, they had really good things to say about her, and the fact that she is following me is a huge plus in all this and may help in my being able to come home early.

I knew from the start this wouldn’t be a party, but it has come full force into the forefront now. Just how much I am going to have to endure and what Sarah will be going through too. THAT hurts me more than anything else in all this, the fact that others should have to deal with it too. I have apologized before and people tell me there is no need but they all need to understand that does little to change the way I feel. I have tried to justify why this happened to ME. What did I do to deserve this? The truth is, there is nothing I did or could ever do to deserve this, and neither do any of you reading this deserve to have to read my words of pain and anguish. But it is what it is, right? I cannot see my way around this, neither over nor under it. My life is on the other side of it and if I want that life, I must go through this and claim it as my own, such that it is. Who knows, maybe I’ll just be one of the lucky ones that licks this completely and shows them all what life is really all about!

There is still no word on a donor match and in truth; they may never even find one and all of this may be for nothing. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I would like to thank those of you who have already signed up to be a donor. I would also ask that even if you aren’t a match for me, you stick with it and maybe you can be a match for someone else. It truly is the gift of life and we all know just how precious THAT is.

I suppose with time, I will feel better about all this. But for now, it just plain SUCKS!