Thursday, January 7, 2010


I’d like to take some time this month to talk to you about dreams. Not the toss and turn at night kind that wake you from a dead sleep or the ones where the dog barks and wakes you up and you try desperately for an hour to go back to sleep to get back into it kind, although those ARE some pretty good ones aren’t they? No, I’m talking about the dreams that give you reason to get up in the morning on the weekend. The ones that make you go to work and deal with all those people that you can’t stand because you know that you have something to look forward to at the end of the day, or for your retirement. The ones that give you HOPE!

For too long now I have given up on my dreams. I always wanted a little farm that if nothing else could provide my family with food that was fresh and free of all the “commercial” worries. I was well on my way to seeing that dream come to fruition. Not so much anymore. But, even though I am in a different place and far removed from what I know, why must I let go of that dream all together?

I also had dreamed of being a professional furniture maker. I had built several pieces for the cabinet shops I worked for and they turned out really well. Not because I had access to big fancy powerful tools, or someone else to do the undesirable things like sanding, but because I am GOOD at it. I CAN make good quality furniture. Now the majority of my power tools are gone, sold because there isn’t room at the new house for them. But as I said, I don’t need those tools to do it. What I need is in ME! It’s a fire that burns hotter and hotter every day and there are only two choices for me. First, I can simply put out that fire and live with soggy ashes and smoldering coals to remind me of what I had dreamed of. Conversely I can choose to stoke that fire and use it as a furnace to get the things done that I want to. To make my dreams reality!

Now onto the health stuff as there is big news there. I received a phone call last night from Kathy at the Puget Sound VA facility. We discussed what days would be good for Sarah and I to come up there and talk to the doctor and tour the facility. This is really going to happen now, isn’t it? This is the first step towards finally ending this nightmare, of being disease free… one way or the other. But along with that I get all these emotions roiling inside me. Fear- this could be the first step down the path to my ultimate demise. Anxiety- this is NOT going to be an easy road to travel by ANY stretch of the imagination. Joy- things are finally moving forward, even if it’s not a journey I want to take it’s one that must be taken. At least we’re moving! Excitement- I am going to meet new people, see new things, have new experiences, and God willing I will finally be done with this. It is my sincere hope that I have learned the lessons that He has set forth for me during this trial. I have learned SO much but I wonder, could I have done more, should I have? I suppose only time will tell.

Sarah, the kids and I enjoyed a wonderful trip to Disneyland right after Christmas with Sarah’s Dad and Step-mom. They are SUCH incredibly wonderful people I cannot begin to tell you. I can honestly say that was a trip my family and I will NEVER forget! It was so wonderful to see them all so happy, especially given all that we have been through in the past two years. I realized after the first day that during my time down there I had completely forgotten about being sick, about having cancer… and I can tell you that that is far more precious than any gift I could have been given. Thank you Frank and Sharon, I love you.

Well, that’s about all I have for now. I would love to hear from any and all of you, especially the ones furthest away from me and the ones I have not spoken to in a long time. Tell me what YOUR dreams are, what fuels your inner fire! Put pen to paper, fingers to keys, or pick up the phone. It’s a whole new year overflowing with possibilities, what will YOU do with it?

Peace, Tracy.

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