Friday, May 13, 2011

Seattle, week two.

Hello again Gorilla Warriors, I trust this finds you all safe and dry, as spring seems to have sprung with a vengeance across the great United States. Week two here has been rather uneventful. Several dental appointments and now my choppers are squeaky clean and fillings, that I just had done, are fixed to the VA's satisfaction. On Monday I go in for the installation (like it's a light fixture or new window) of the Hickman Line or more commonly a “port”. It's essentially a semi-permanent version of an IV line and it gets installed in one of the big veins/arteries in the chest. I'm not really looking forward to it but I trust it will be better than the biopsy... Then Thursday I start the chemo, and the transplant will happen on the 26th (I believe).

The closer this all gets to becoming a reality the more anxious I become, and having a week and a half to sit around “thinking” about things doesn't really help much. I have done a lot of reflecting on the past and it seems to have focused on my childhood. Things weren't always perfect but there sure are an awful lot of really good memories there. I have been thinking a lot about people that are no longer with us too, Grandma Hagerty, Grandpa Luegge, Uncle Ray, Uncle Forrest, Uncle Harold... and a host of friends that have left me wondering what ever happened to them. I know, believe me I KNOW, that all the family members that have entered my thoughts are here with me now, wrapping their arms around me (even if such was not their way while here on earth) and comforting me, maybe even guiding my thoughts and dreams, almost letting me know they are here with me now and that regardless of the outcome everything will be ok. Yes, you read that right... “regardless of the outcome”. Honestly none of us knows for sure, except God Himself, and he has yet to tell me personally...

You know, when this all first began I asked myself (and eventually God) what I could have possibly done to deserve this. How could people commit such horrible crimes against other people, GOOD people, and nothing like this happens to them? Well, in all that reflecting over the past week I realized that deserving what has happened to me has little if anything to do with it. The things I have done throughout my life, and that I continue to do, have earned me a place in Heaven... of that I have NO doubt. So regardless of how this all plays out, what I have earned will be granted me when the time is right and not a minute before. So what do I get here, now? I get all of you wonderful people by my side, physically or emotionally connected to me each in your own way. I get people telling me how I have inspired them to work through something in their life, to find courage and strength where they thought none existed. I get people saying to me “I can't believe with all you're going through that you still find it in you to help me...” and all of that drives away the darkness, keeps the gorilla at bay for just one more day. For a long while now that is all I have asked God for, just one more day... one more chance to live my life as He intended, in the service to my fellow man - to you!

Whatever lies ahead, you'll never make it there if you don't focus on what is right in front of you. Live in the here and now and enjoy every moment of every day, even the not so good moments.

With love, Tracy.

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