Long overdue...

      It's been a while since I last wrote anything and I realized the other day that there are a lot of people out there who are likely concerned. So if you were concerned please accept my sincerest apologies. Here's where things stand as of today, I continue to see a counselor and in fact have just recently extended the number of visits I'm allotted through the VA. That may sound a little strange, so allow me to explain. At the facility closest to me, and I suspect at many more across the country, the number of counselors on staff can't accommodate the number of patients that require counseling more than once a month (I've been seeing mine once a week) so they “farm out” some cases to therapists/counselors outside the VA on what's called a fee-based basis. This means the government pays for a given number of visits during a given time frame. What this boils down to is there aren't enough people to take care of the veterans that need help. Is it any wonder that returning Gulf War/Iraq War/Afghanistan War veterans are having difficulty reintegrating into society? It sure explains why an ever increasing number are hoarding weapons and getting into trouble which leads to them barricading themselves into their home and shooting it out with law enforcement... Please remember that as you vote in the future. These people did as they were told, were asked to do, voluntarily. Sure, maybe the wars in the middle east didn't have anything to do with our safety here at home but if you want to lay blame or punish someone for that, blame the politicians and don't vote for them again. Don't make the soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen pay for the mistakes of others. They served honorably, some doing things that most of us could never imagine ourselves doing over and over again, and they did it voluntarily.

      That takes care of the emotional and psychological aspect, now on to the physical part of things. Things have been going very well, in fact so well at times that I cringe in fear waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thankfully my friend Jennifer is there to remind me that there IS no other shoe. Thanks for that, Jen. The boys and I continue to go to Knight's Quest Academy of Chivalry. They go twice a week and I go once a week for one on one lessons. I'm not where I want to be but in all honesty I have not been working at it enough on my own time nor have I been doing any other exercising. I realize now how important that is and will be making a more concerted effort to make some real, effective change. Otherwise it's really been smooth sailing. I go to the VA once a week to have a pint of blood removed. This is done to lower my ferritin (iron) level, which is elevated due to having so many blood transfusions in the years before my stem cell transplant. The procedure is not so intolerable as one might think. As an added bonus I have made a lot of new friends at the VA and get to see them every week and they share a genuine concern for my health.

      We are also planning another trip back to Seattle for my first annual checkup with the transplant doctors. We're also going to be doing some camping along the way, part of making the best of life and making memories that my children can tell their grandchildren about. It's time to enjoy life and take the opportunity to see some of the things that I have always wanted to see and maybe a few places I wasn't even aware of. I've got this really cool card that grants me access to any of the places operated by the Forest Service, the National Park Service, Fish and Wildlife Service, Bureau of Land Management, and Bureau of Reclamation where entrance or standard amenity fees are charged. It even grants me discounts at camping facilities that are operated by the government. Time to start really taking advantage of THAT baby!

      I've also been busy around the house. We've converted the dining room into a hobby studio and it's almost finished. I've been cleaning out my desk and finding a lot of stuff that I've been carrying around with me. All of which has caused a lot of internal reflection and deep thought. I've come SO far in my life and SO many things have changed, some very drastically, and I have SO far yet to go. At least I hope so... Where my path will take me I have no clue but I intend to walk it with intention and to take note of the scenery along the way, to live what's left of my life in a very meaningful way and to make it count... Thing is, I don't know how to DO all that and it's a tall order to fill. In addition to finding my path I have to learn HOW to travel it because the way I've been wandering through life has not really gotten me anywhere meaningful. That is to say, I have yet to do things that my children will proudly tell their children, at least not in my eyes. Nothing monumental like my dad was a Navy SEAL war hero or a firefighter who rescued a dozen kids in an orphanage or even that I invented some amazing new technology. Much more down to earth things like remembering the way I would take them hiking, fishing, how I taught them how to fix the lawn mower or even how to grow their own food and cook it. That I was a great dad... That's meaningful enough, for now.

      I'm super excited to go on vacation with Sarah and the kids even though at the same time I'm extremely nervous about seeing the doctors again and finding out where I (we!) go from here. I know, Jen... there IS no other shoe! Still, for me anyway, there's a lot riding on what comes out of this checkup. If things go well it's time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, or at least as I grow older. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I think I'd like to pursue a career as an architect but... that requires going to school and in the mean time I'll need to pay the bills if my disability is gone AND pay for school. SO very many things to think about and try not to worry about. Then there's teaching Connor how to drive (YES, he turned 16 last Saturday!!!), I wish I could have given him the childhood I had, or at least parts of it. Learning to drive while growing up on a farm is, in my opinion, far better and easier than being thrown into a classroom for boring textbook and bloody drinking and driving movies before you get on the actual road. And something as dangerous as driving a car isn't something that should be learned with a bunch of strangers. Then again, what happens on the back roads stays on the back roads, right?

      That's about all I have for now. I've been getting rather antsy to start doing more writing and even some painting and sketching. I know I need to do something other than just sitting around. I have been more active working outside and doing things around the house and have even been designing my own pedal car in my head. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes I'm feeling like this is my rebirth and a second chance to do things better than I was. It is my sincerest wish that you all take at least this part of my experience as an example. Don't put off the things you want most in this world. Get up, get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE. Live it the way YOU want to. Don't find yourself laying in a hospital bed in 20, 10, 5 years from now or even tomorrow... You can tell yourself it won't happen to you but you'll just be lying to yourself because it COULD! I did things right, for the most part, and it happened to me. Don't waste the chances given too you. Make each day count and do something you'll be proud of tomorrow. You don't have to climb Everest every day but just make the little moments count. Go to bed every night knowing you have done some amount of good in the world and left it a better place for tomorrow. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later...

      Until we meet again either here on the interwebs or in person, I bid you peace.

And Winter Came...

Sit down by the fire here for I have much to tell... As most if not all of you know it's been some time since my last update and I apologize for that. The transplant hit me pretty hard and there were a few weeks in the beginning where I wasn't really... well, THERE for lack of a better word. That time is simply not in my memory and I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say I am eternally grateful to whomever invented morphine so that I could be so high as to not remember any of it. Yeah, it was THAT bad! BUT, that's all behind me now as I have not had a transfusion since shortly after the transplant was done. Instead they're now taking blood OUT of me in order to reduce the ferritin level (an intracellular protein that stores iron and releases it in a controlled fashion) in my blood from all the countless units of blood I received over the years and in spite of what amounts to “donating” a unit of blood a week my hemoglobin level has continued to rise and is now 13. The recognized level for a “healthy” man of my age is between 14 and 17. Just let that sink in for a minute, I can wait... So Tracy, what does this all mean you might ask. Well, there is no official word from any doctors as it's still VERY early on in the post transplant scene but those numbers tell me that things are progressing rapidly and in a VERY desirable direction. Those new stem cells have corkscrewed themselves into the hard bone and set up shop not only making blood but replicating themselves to such a degree that they are able to keep up with the blood coming out AND produce excess to replenish what was lost. This would be a good time for a tissue, excuse me...

HOWEVER..., (pause for effect) it's far from over and I find myself fighting yet another demon known as depression. A foul and vile affliction if ever there was one and every bit as faceless as the myelofibrosis I have all but eradicated from my body. The kind of thing one faces that has no face, no body, no corporeal entity upon which to vent my rage and disdain for it. It's just there lurking in the back of my mind and making it's presence known when I'd least like to have it around, not that there is a good time to have depression drop in for a visit mind you, but ever that seems to be it's super power. Timing. Make no mistake it knows full well how to best use this power too. But there is hope... I've started seeing a therapist again and it's working! Just as with the “cancer” I have had to seek out persons with special skills and talents to aid me in this fight and I pray ceaselessly that this war will end soon but with a favorable outcome, for me that is. I could care less if cancer and depression are made to suffer and should they be stricken from me, and all those they hold hostage from their lives, so much the better and I say “Good riddance!” All of this brings me to something that has been on my mind for the past week and a half. Please, PLEASE have patience with me. This is far from over and I fully understand that many if not all of you worry and my lapses in communication certainly don't help that but please try to remember what I have said here. There are days where getting out of bed, eating and watching TV are THE best that I can manage and understand that I'm working on it and giving my all every day. Some days I simply have more to give than others...

As the seasons change and summer has turned to fall and now winter has come let us take time to remember the things that we are thankful for. Even though I don't call as often as we all would like or even update you as often as I'D like it doesn't mean I've shut you out of my life or I'm ignoring you. And I know I should tell you all thank you more but again, please don't assume the worst. I am, and ever shall be eternally grateful for all you have done, each in your own way. I would like to take this opportunity to send a special thanks out to some very important people. These people have each done something for me that has really made a difference and although you all have in some way done something, these I feel deserve special recognition as I reflect on the past year and what they have done for me in my greatest hour of need.

My beautiful-amazing-incredible-compassionate wife, my children (including the dogs!), Frank and Sharon Farmer, Patricia Warner, Alex Beam, Rayann Heingartner, Becky Dean, Jeff and Desiree Kauffman, Joe Thompson, Dave Farmer, Brian Hinck, Amber Hamm, Kathleen Schoening, Monique Becker, Eric Jones and Erin Saul, Kristi Finney, Brad and Jamie Luegge, Keith and Jamie Hood, John and Heidi Maher and the list goes on. I'm sure I'm forgetting a good many people but these, off the top of my head, have made a tremendous difference in how I've managed to deal with what has been set before me. I honestly, HONESTLY could NOT have done this, have gone through all that I have had you all not answered the call. I am eternally grateful and would, if I could, tell you all in person if I could. Thank you... a hundred thousand times and from the highest mountain top, thank you.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again May God hold you in the palm of His hand...

Tracy.

Seattle week 15

Greetings and salutations from the Emerald City. It's been a while eh? Well let me tell you what I have been up to. Lots of healing (that's been my top priority), watching crappy reruns on TV and staying up late to see the shows I like because I don't have my trusty DVR here, a little reading (it makes me sleepy or I would read more), getting out and seeing the sights in and around Seattle, sampling the local food, watching more movies in the past three months in the theater than in the past 15 years (being here without the kids does have it's advantages). We got to visit with the kids for nearly a week when Frank and Sharon brought them up for Molly's birthday... I can't begin to tell you how much we missed them and what that meant to both Sarah and I. Thank you Frank and Sharon, we owe you big for that!

Health wise I'm doing great, physically. The numbers continue to rise and there have been no real complications except for a virus that the doctors caught onto right away and took care of it. They knew I had it in my system before the transplant and were simply waiting for it to manifest. It's good to have such knowledgeable professionals working on my behalf. Spiritually, this has certainly been a test and I can't wait to get back to my church family and feel the love and strength of God as we gather to worship Him. I strive to live a more Christ-like life and I know I could do better. I'm trying and I have faith that He knows that. Mentally... well, things could be better. I have always used this Blog/update as a tool to improve myself, and to let you all know how I feel. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. This is one of those not so good times... I struggle with my sense of self, my fears of what I have and will become, how I will fit into my family either working or staying at home, what are my dreams for the future, now that just plain staying alive seems like a very real possibility. For so long life and death and my delicate walking of that fine line between the two has been all consuming. So now that the balance has been tipped in my favor, where do I redirect my thoughts? Then there are the feelings of abandonment. Feeling like some people couldn't be bothered to write or call. Most of my days whether in or out of the hospital are spent sitting. At the apartment I watch TV and try to read. I hope and wish the phone would ring or I'd find an email or a letter, but alas, only a few took the time and I greatly appreciate their efforts. Perhaps some didn't fully grasp the gravity of my situation, maybe I could have done more to make it clearer. Maybe some see this as something similar to something they went through and I should just suck it up, well that's just not me... I could have used, and still could use your support. I guess that's why I didn't write for so long, I started to feel like no one really read this or even cared. I know that may hurt some feelings but in all honesty mine have been hurt for a while now. This is some serious s#!t that I have been going through and regardless of your opinion of how you would handle it or how you think I should handle it the truth is we're not the same person. Many of you should know that I'm a very emotional person and I take things to heart. My feelings get hurt easily sometimes - times like this. And here's a little FaceBook etiquette for those utilizing that social network, one line comments on my status updates are not really very helpful. Write me an email, a snail mail letter, even a postcard or better yet, call me. Don't put this all back on me with the excuse that I could call too. I have made a few phone calls and I will not bear the brunt of this. I know that it's hard when I'm so far away and things are so incredibly scary, but leaving me to fight this on my own surely isn’t going to help. I'd rather we sat and just cried together on the phone than try to ignore the problem. It's not going away, my home is here now (well, in California not Seattle) but I'll visit, in fact I just DID a few months ago. And my house is always open to guests and I pride myself on my Irish hospitality.

We are typically at the hospital Tuesday and Friday mornings from about 8-12 but there are a host of “going home” appointments scheduled over the next two weeks. If I am busy in a procedure, Sarah will have my phone. If we are both unavailable leave a voice message and I'll call you back as soon as I can, I promise. You can also respond to this Blog post right at the bottom of the page under the post, email me a reply to the mass email I send out to notify everyone of the updates (if you want it to be private be sure not to “reply all”) send me a general email, write a letter (the post office will still deliver them for a nominal fee) or send a message via carrier pigeon. Smoke signals are not advised as we are under almost constant cloud cover here in the Emerald City, nor am I set up for telegraph or Morse code. If you really want to do something for me, that's what you can do.

Seattle, Week 5

Seattle, week five

Wow, has it been five weeks already? Seems as though we just got here a few days ago, and I guess that's a good thing that our time here is going by so fast. The actual transplant was delayed by some weather holding up the courier's plane. I'm just glad it made it! Medically I'm doing really well, no pain, very little nausea and just a little mucositis in my mouth. Still not as bad as some though, from the sound of things... I get a little lonely when Sarah goes back to the apartment at night and I miss my kids something fierce. All just stuff that I have to work through, just like the rest.

I have received some hats and postcards and even a surrogate gorilla to vent my frustrations on. The kids write me every week and Molly sends me drawings. Thank you all for your endless, limitless support. You all mean the world to me.

Well, that's about all I've got for this week. Not really a lot going on but waiting for the new cells to "engraft", hopefully in the next week or so. The sooner that happens the sooner I can leave and be an "outpatient" for the rest of our stay, only coming back for appointments and monitoring.

Until next week, take care of yourselves and each other.

Love, Tracy.

Seattle, Week Four. Alternately, The Boy's Gone Preachy

Good morning my family and my friends. I certainly hope that this finds you well, safe and dry. What a week it has been what with all the flooding along the Mississippi River then tornadoes galore just a little west, not to mention that crazy cousin of mine on the west coast ranting on about his cancer... Oh wait, that's me!

So week four was rather eventful here in Seattle. Last Thursday I started a rather aggressive chemo regimen, six days straight! Boy am I glad THAT'S over! Today is a day off with another medication to be infused over the course of the day to make final preparations for... The new marrow! As I lay here sleeping I awoke with a start, call it the "voice of God" if you like but I'm not saying that I hear voices... Anywho, I've been telling people all along how inconsequential my thanks sound to me. For things like your prayers, the little postcards and the CrAzY hats, right on up to the really big things (that we won't get into here)... I simply cannot thank each of you enough. I'm not working and barely get by as it is, so money is out. Sure I could come up with a creative way to send a postcard back, maybe gift-recycle the hats, and praying for others doesn't cost a man naught but his time and a little effort, I can do that too. But it just seems to me that a man ought to leave something BETTER than he found it, to give back more than what he has received and that maybe in doing so this world, crazy as it may seem, might just become a better place than I found it...

And then there's that "voice"... Telling me in the middle of the night that you didn't do ALL those things for me so that you'd get any "credit" or recognition for your deeds. That my debts, like those of my debtors are forgiven. Sound familiar? Yeah, it sounded familiar to me too. I think in a world where we are taught from a very early age to keep score against one another, against the world, it's easy to forget. I worked hard all my life - ALL of it, and I lost a good many job because of greedy men who had forgotten how and why they got to where they were, only that laying off some guy was a means to balance the checkbook this week, month, or quarter. I worked hard, yet I still had to file bankruptcy twice, losing a house and a truck along the way. And yet I was forgiven... I'm STILL loved... even though the "rapture" came and Tracy is STILL writing this crap... It's going to be alright.

As my second birthday fast approaches I am mindful of just what that means. I firmly believe in second chances, Lord knows I've had a few. So I'm going to do something just a little different to celebrate my second birthday, I'm going to donate it. Going to make more of it than just another day. Maybe serve soup in a homeless shelter or care for animals at the pound, maybe pick up trash at local parks or raise money for those in need... Something larger than myself.

I'm told, and I believe that all things happen for a reason, even the things we can't explain. So all of this, the bankruptcies, the hard work, even something as terrible as this cancer has happened for a reason. I don't yet fully understand what that may be, but I swear to you all now that from the MOMENT I leave this place, I intend to make the MOST of whatever life throws at me! To be THE best Tracy that I CAN be! And to forgive my debtors, eat my vegetables, putout the trash, walk the dog... And to tell Sarah every day what an INCREDIBLE woman she is.
Take care of yourselves, and take care of one another. It's what Jesus would do...

Seattle, week three.

Well gorilla warriors, week three is in the books. Monday saw the Hickman line placed in my chest. It was a little sore the first day and a half or so but will make things a LOT easier on me as far as blood transfusions, blood draws and medicinal infusions. It's essentially a larger, more durable version of an IV line and can stay in much longer. Anything they need to infuse me with or draw from me comes/goes through this line and I don't have to get poked anymore, or at least until I'm done.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past, not by choice, it just sort of happens. All good memories thankfully, maybe my life flashing before my eyes in slow motion? It has been a long strange trip and I thank you all for joining me along the way. As I look back over the years there have been an awful lot of good times... Rest assured I look forward to making a LOT more good memories with ALL of you!!!

So, where does that put me now? Well Sarah and I had a conference with two of the doctors and the head nurse. The lead doctor basically went over a synopsis of what will transpire over the next month, and what COULD happen. Not to scare us or give us a sense of dread, more their “legal obligation” to warn us of the potential risks. I was surprised at how well I took it all in until he got to the end and said something to the effect of “All of this could also lead to you being cured.” It was at that point that I felt the gorilla wince and if he weren't metaphorical I am quite certain he would have shrunk back into the corner. That was the single best thing I have heard in three and a half years. Yes I have heard other doctors mention it but somehow now it seems so much more tangible, so close to being in my grip... Eyes on the prize I march onward undaunted by the posturing and chest thumping of that infernal gorilla in the corner. Tomorrow morning I'll be going back to the MTU for a month long stay. Chemotherapy starts tomorrow with the transplant taking place just a week later. The three weeks after that will be waiting for the new cells to “engraft” and monitoring my progress, treating the various side effects with a laundry list of medications. After that I should be allowed to come back to the apartment with daily return visits, then every other day, then every three days etc. until they deem I am healthy enough to go HOME!!!

I greatly appreciate all that you have done, each and every one of you has had a large part to play in my struggle and I have no way of ever repaying you all save one, that I continue to fight and beat this, living out the rest of my days until I am old and gray. To BE the very best Tracy that I can be each and every day. This next month will be THE hardest trial I have ever faced and I will need your support now more than at any other time. I'd like to ask you all, if you can, to send postcards from any places that you visit or from wherever you happen to be. Also, if you have any crazy hats feel free to send them my way and I'll wear them in the MTU and wherever else I happen to go and I'll have someone take photos which I'll post here of me wearing them. The crazier the better but remember, I have a BIG head (I wear a size 7-1/2). Please keep them hats, sorry Jen., no tiaras. Remember that I'll have no hair and will need them to ward off the sun as I'll be especially sensitive to it's burning rays.

Stay strong and keep the faith, your support makes this so much easier.

All my love and gratitude, Tracy.

Seattle, week two.

Hello again Gorilla Warriors, I trust this finds you all safe and dry, as spring seems to have sprung with a vengeance across the great United States. Week two here has been rather uneventful. Several dental appointments and now my choppers are squeaky clean and fillings, that I just had done, are fixed to the VA's satisfaction. On Monday I go in for the installation (like it's a light fixture or new window) of the Hickman Line or more commonly a “port”. It's essentially a semi-permanent version of an IV line and it gets installed in one of the big veins/arteries in the chest. I'm not really looking forward to it but I trust it will be better than the biopsy... Then Thursday I start the chemo, and the transplant will happen on the 26^th (I believe).

The closer this all gets to becoming a reality the more anxious I become, and having a week and a half to sit around “thinking” about things doesn't really help much. I have done a lot of reflecting on the past and it seems to have focused on my childhood. Things weren't always perfect but there sure are an awful lot of really good memories there. I have been thinking a lot about people that are no longer with us too, Grandma Hagerty, Grandpa Luegge, Uncle Ray, Uncle Forrest, Uncle Harold... and a host of friends that have left me wondering what ever happened to them. I know, believe me I KNOW, that all the family members that have entered my thoughts are here with me now, wrapping their arms around me (even if such was not their way while here on earth) and comforting me, maybe even guiding my thoughts and dreams, almost letting me know they are here with me now and that regardless of the outcome everything will be ok. Yes, you read that right... “regardless of the outcome”. Honestly none of us knows for sure, except God Himself, and he has yet to tell me personally...

You know, when this all first began I asked myself (and eventually God) what I could have possibly done to deserve this. How could people commit such horrible crimes against other people, GOOD people, and nothing like this happens to them? Well, in all that reflecting over the past week I realized that deserving what has happened to me has little if anything to do with it. The things I have done throughout my life, and that I continue to do, have earned me a place in Heaven... of that I have NO doubt. So regardless of how this all plays out, what I have earned will be granted me when the time is right and not a minute before. So what do I get here, now? I get all of you wonderful people by my side, physically or emotionally connected to me each in your own way. I get people telling me how I have inspired them to work through something in their life, to find courage and strength where they thought none existed. I get people saying to me “I can't believe with all you're going through that you still find it in you to help me...” and all of that drives away the darkness, keeps the gorilla at bay for just one more day. For a long while now that is all I have asked God for, just one more day... one more chance to live my life as He intended, in the service to my fellow man - to you!

Whatever lies ahead, you'll never make it there if you don't focus on what is right in front of you. Live in the here and now and enjoy every moment of every day, even the not so good moments.

With love, Tracy.