Well, once again it's been a rough couple of days. I am still trying to change the way I operate on daily basis. Trying to get myself around and get into something just to keep my mind occupied and not let it turn to the Dark Side. That's what I call it when my mind is idle and my thoughts turn to things I'd rather not think about. Things like dying, losing my battle with cancer, seeing Sarah and the kids in a future that I am not a part of... that's the Dark Side. Thing is, it's really easy, too easy to walk right on over there and feel comfortable even though I know it's a place I don't want to be. Sort of like crossing to the wrong side of the tracks and ducking into a seedy bar and cavorting with ladies of ill repute. You know it's not in your best interest to be there but it's so much easier than doing what you know is right and proper. So this begs the question, "Why is the right thing the hardest thing to do sometimes?" If I had an answer to that I wouldn't be writing about the Dark Side now would I... I think it's much more than simple temptation, it goes deeper than that. I'm not tempted to think of my death and focus my energy on visions of a world without me and I don't believe in the Devil or any other variation of Satan trying to lead me astray. I think that is a cop out. I want to be in control of what I do and what I put out to the universe. I want to live! And I want very much to be a part of my families future for a very, very long time. Having said that I think I need to find something to occupy my mind but I also need to teach myself to focus on what I want to put out to the universe. Just keeping myself busy so I don't think of Dark thoughts doesn't seem like enough any more than surviving isn't truly living. I can get up every day and muddle through the day and I would be surviving but I can also get up every day and want to do something, go somewhere, see someone and be living my life.
So, I would endeavor to occupy myself in order to keep the Dark Side at bay and in addition, I would teach myself to put forth the energy that represents what I truly want to the universe.
I'll keep you posted on my progress.
Until next time, I bid you peace.