New beginings.

I keep telling myself that today is the first day of the rest of my life, but I still find it hard to muster the motivation necessary to get going at any point during the day, to do any of the tasks that need done. It's as if I have no purpose, even though I know I have many. I think that the core of the problem is that I have all day, every day to do whatever... It's as if I am telling myself subconsciously that I can go and work on this or fix that later in the day. Then when later rolls around, I tell myself it can be done tomorrow. It is a vicious cycle that plays out in my head on a daily basis.

A while ago, while dealing with some depression (self diagnosed) I told my wife that it seemed as if all my dreams had been taken from me. I now realize that although some of my dreams may seem unatainable now, they need not be gone from me. Perhaps they have just stepped aside to make room for new dreams. In any case, most of the things I had desired, goals I had hoped to accomplish, they're simply on hold, indefinitely, until I have a handle on this thing that has caused me such grief. LOL, I find it hard even now, almost a year later, to call it by it common name, "cancer". The doctors told me that it is considered a type of blod cancer, maybe that's why. I don't think in my mind or in my heart that I am in any way afraid of it. I would not give it such power over me. Maybe I call it cancer because that's easier to say than Myelofibrosis and requires less explanation when I tell someone what it is that afflicts me. At any rate, I try really hard not to give it any voice, power, or thought other than that which I give to it in fighting it.

I am trying hard to spend as much time as possible in pursuit of the seemingly small insignificant things that I have put off for so long. Things like vacations, artistic pursuits like photography and even blogging, and spending time with my wife and children. I should like very much to get my shop set up again and create things out of wood. Useful things as well as whimsical things. Things that serve no purpose other than to draw one into them, make you want to touch them and ask what they are for. I have even been considering taking classes at a local community college to try to expand on my photography skills which are still in their infancy. I don't necessarily want to pursue a degree or start a career, just to find out who I am and what I am truly capable of.

Thus begin my adventures with... cancer. I hope you enjoy my antics and will join me from time to time. And feel free to leave any comments you care to.

Peace be with you,
Tracy.