Monday, December 22, 2008

The Dark Side, Tsunami style.

Today I was having one of those stellar days where nothing could go wrong, where you're on top of the world, and then it happened...

We were driving (Sarah, the kids, and I) to Vicksburg so I could get a haircut. I was even going to get highlights done, something I'd never done before and I was so excited! Sarah and I were talking about a dream I had last night wherein an old friend I would have liked to date back in Jr. High school, whom I have recently reconnected with, had just broken up with a friend that Sarah knew from our time in the Air Force. (I knew him too, he just wasn't exactly a friend)

The three of us, Greg, Mena and I, were in some sort of a morph between a classroom and a night club (I think because each of these would have been appropriate to each of the others in the dream, hence the two rooms became one) and in the dream, she and I were now a couple but she was sitting with him (as in on his lap) and having a good time seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was there at all, let alone that I was her new boyfriend. My explanation to Sarah was that this is where my Dark Side thoughts came from, the thought that I was no longer in her life (ie. the disease had taken me) and she had moved on to find another soul mate. I have talked to her about these Dark Side thoughts and how I don't want to think that way because I believe that if that is what I put out to the universe, that is what I'll get back. Therefore, if I allow myself to think like I'm already gone, that is what the universe will interpret as my wish and I will become... gone. That being said, I told her that somehow in the weirdness that happens in my mind (I refer to this as monkey mind), the monkey was reading the story and trying to translate it for me but he didn't know the people involved so he rifled through my memories and inserted his own "weird" mix of people.

Sarah was then answering a question that Molly asked about how many brothers and sisters she (Sarah) had and in the answering of that question we began to talk about how Sarah's mom is married to her step-dad and that is where some of the step-siblings come from. Then we talked about the parallels between Sarah and her mom. Things like Mom had two boys and a girl and now Sarah has two boys and a girl. Then Sarah made a comment about how her mom had married a crazy
man (in a good, funny kinda way) the first time and so had Sarah. Then she made some sort of reference to how her next husband would be different, just like her mom's second husband... Enter the Tsunami.

You know, you can see it rolling in almost in slow motion and you know that total destruction and chaos are close on its heals, but that there is no way in hell that you will ever be able to out run it. I could feel that initial wave of adrenaline hit me like a freight train and I thought for just a second that I might be able to out run the Tsunami, but alas, twas in vain. The emotion hit me and enveloped me fully right there in the van... behind the wheel at 45 mph... on a country road in a beautiful winter wonderland setting amongst the farms and forests... and suddenly I couldn't see a thing through the tears that had come from somewhere in left field. Sarah immediately knew what had happened and felt incredibly guilty but in all honesty, it wasn't her fault any more than it was Molly's or my own. It just kind of happened. Innocently enough, but it did happen. I had found a way to deal with the Dark Side that I had known up until that point but that had been of my own creation, born of simple boredom and a lack of anything better to occupy my mind. How in the bloody blue blazes am I going to combat something like this. Something that comes seemingly out of nowhere, when it is least expected and will even enlist the help of those closest to me?

I tried to turn it into something positive. I used the opportunity to talk to Sarah, explaining that this is exactly what I meant by "The Dark Side" and how I couldn't allow it into my life in any way shape or form. How I needed for her not to think along the lines of "When he is gone I will..." That I needed for her to think about this whole ugly mess as though we are in complete control and would come out of the other side of it just as though it had never happened. Together. Old. With lots of beautiful grandchildren. Alive... but most importantly, I would be THERE and not a fond memory.

That is my intention anyway. And that is what I am putting out to the Universe. I want to LIVE!

I did manage to finish the day not feeling totally depressed and got done all the things I wanted to accomplish so I am calling this one a victory for me. I hope this helps you all to understand a little bit better how I feel about all this and how I would like for everyone to think when they say "I'll keep you in my prayers/thoughts." Not so much that I would dictate how someone would or should pray or send out positive energy or whatever it is that they do when they talk to what they believe God to be. More so that this is how I see things, so far anyway, and that if they could pray and or send their energy to that effect, I believe it would be all the more powerful. At least that's how it works in "my world". Regardless of how someone else does it, I greatly appreciate the fact that they would even think of me at all when they "talk to God". I guess in the end it really doesn't matter how you say it, what's important is that you do say it. If it goes unspoken, how is God/the Universe to know what you desire? (shrugs) Again, my opinion, take it or leave it.

I'll leave you with a saying that has stuck with me for some time and for some reason I am led to put it out to you all now... "Prayer is when you talk to God, meditation is when you listen."
I think both of these types of communication are extremely important and that they should both be practiced equally. It seems to me that someone would be remiss if they only talked and didn't listen. I think that is how relationships fail, with one way communication. And in truth, no matter what you or I believe, that's one relationship we cannot allow to fail...

Light, love and blessings to you all,


  1. I feel that I should say something here, and though I don't think words will suffice I will try... I am so sorry. I honestly did not see the direction that the conversation was taking until I had already put my foot in my mouth. A couple of years ago a little joke about "my next husband" would have been just that, a joke. But now... well, obviously it was a completely stupid thing to say. So sorry.

  2. No apology necessary, as I said: "in all honesty, it wasn't her fault any more than it was Molly's or my own. It just kind of happened. Innocently enough,"

    After nearly 18 years, I can certainly forgive you for that in light of all that has happened recently.

    I love you and I know you love me, 'nuff said.

  3. Oh your poor Sarah....she must have felt terrible.....thank goodness that you've come so far!