Monthly update for March

So, here it is, the end of March. What a roller coaster ride this month has been. First the weather turning warm enough to tempt me to hook up the disc and tear through the garden and start sewing seeds, and then right back down to freezing a few days later. I guess I won’t complain too much. All of our snow is gone and has been for a while now, the river got pretty high but I never even had to think of sandbagging our house to save it from flooding. Things surely could be worse and they’re not, and for that I am very grateful.

It is early here in River City and I awoke to an indescribable urge to simply get up. I know that doesn’t make much sense, and it didn’t to me either until the fog of sleep cleared from my head. After I was up and moving around a bit, and after a generous amount of orange juice, thoughts started to pop into my head. As I awoke, I sat at the edge of the bed trying to decide why I was awake at this hour. I finally decided that I would try to go to the bathroom and see if I could go back to sleep afterwards. On the way from the bedroom to the bathroom, a funny thing occurred to me. I had walked this particular route hundreds upon thousands of times. It may not seem like much to you, but it hit me like a revelation… I mean, I boldly walked through the darkness, bare toed and with out a second thought to the safety of those little piggies. I strode through this house with all the confidence in the world that my path was clear before me. The kids know by now that the Lego’s stay upstairs (the most prevalent enemy of any bare foot is a stray Lego!) and even the dogs know not to lie in the path that joins these two rooms. This place, this home, is very familiar to us all. With the exception of a few years where we tried to make a go of life in California before, this has been home. The place where I have thus far raised my children, buried more than a few pets in a quiet spot in the back yard. I have put my heart and soul into this house and I had such dreams and visions for our future together. A new kitchen, bathroom, an addition to the barn… but now it is time to let those things go. I can no longer give this place what it needs, what it deserves. In a way, I guess it’s like letting your child go and make his or her way in the world on their own. I have done what I could, the best I knew how to do but in the end, this part of my journey has run it’s course and it’s time to move on. I will miss this place to be sure, there are a lot of very fond memories here, the kids first steps, the first time they rode a bike without training wheels, the bonfires out back, Connor sneaking out through the dog door to pick blueberries before Sarah and I woke up one morning… in his diaper! The list goes on and on and I will take those with me, but go I must. Someone sent me some words of wisdom recently that in effect said “God has great things in store for each of us, but sometimes we have to let some things go so that we are ready to receive them.” I have held onto a good many things for quite a long time and always thought I’d have the strength to carry them all while picking up other stuff along the way. I now know better… and I am more than willing to let all of it go for what is in store for me, my hands are empty and I am willing to receive. I know I will not get more than I can handle, and that if it seems like it is more than I can handle, help is only a phone call away.

In other news, there has been a rather nasty flu bug making the round here and I think we are finally getting the upper hand. I knew I was truly sick when I was cold, I never get cold. We still have perhaps a few more days to go on the road to recovery, but I can see the light at the end. The worst part of all that is the fact I am at the end of my two weeks and I need another transfusion. Yeah, that’s a bit much… but no one ever guaranteed that life would be fair did they? At least it will be over and done with by my birthday and most importantly to me, our anniversary. Not that they are particularly momentous ones, like my 40^th birthday, or our 20^th anniversary, but I have a new perspective on the world. I don’t feel like waiting for the big ones to roll around. I want to make the best of the ones I am given and if the next one rolls around, so much the better.

I also have some rather sad news to pass along. Gandalf the Gray (our cat) passed away rather unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. He is already sorely missed. I have had to resort to traps in the barn to catch the mice and even caught one in the kitchen just the other day with the trash bin door! It tried to escape when I opened it to throw something away and as I slammed the door shut (ok, I’ll admit that is was more in surprise then any killer instinct) I just happened to catch his tail between the door and the jamb. Sarah was kind enough to “rescue” him and then let him go outside… but should we ever cross paths again, I will know him by the crook in his tail and he would do well to steer clear of me. I thought long and hard about whether or not to get another cat and after much discussion with Sarah, it has been decided that we should wait until we get to California. We think that two St. Bernards and three kids is enough for such a long trip. Work also continues on trying to find new homes for the rabbits and the chickens, I have had a couple of bites on both accounts but nothing concrete.

Well, that’s about it for this month. I added some more photos to the Flickr page a couple of times during the past month so check them out. I will add some more in the next week or so as well as I once again hit the max for a free account. (sigh) If you have any questions, feel free to write or even call. I will make no promises save one, I will do my best to answer them. And as always, if you know anyone who you think should get this, please feel free to pass it along, or if you do not wish to receive this, speak up and I can fix that too… no hard feelings, honest.

Until next month, stay healthy and know that you are in my thoughts.

Love, Tracy.

A glorious spring day!

So today, my family and I went to a concert at the newly refurbished Riviera Theater in downtown Three Rivers. What a magnificent place! It is so nice that someone took the time and money to bring the place back to life and they did a wonderful job at that. We went to see Kennedy's Kitchen, a traditional Irish band from South Bend. We first saw them at the Acorn Theater in Three Oaks when they opened for Tempest and have since seen them at the Irish Fest in Kalamazoo and at Fiddler's Hearth. A truly wonderful experience. I saw a lot of people I knew there too, and it was good to be seen (my typical response to "It's good to see you!")

I so love to listen to Kennedy's Kitchen, each and every time I listen to them I am instantly transported to some small quaint farmhouse in Ireland, all of us sitting around a fireplace with some stewed beef, soda bread, a pint of Guinness and of course potatoes. Laughing, telling stories, playing music... Their music calls to me, to my very core being, my soul if you will. In fact, if I were to be completely honest, it is just this sort of experience that led me to buy a guitar, so deep is the desire to hear this music and for it to be "live" that I would like to play it. They are therefor my inspiration.

I was glad too to see that Nolan (joHn's nephew) had rejoined them. The first time we saw them in Three Oaks he played the penny whistle in a solo performance that had us literally in tears. This afternoon he sang "The Parting Glass" and once again had me nearly bawling. Yes, their music is THAT powerful! At least for me it is. I know that each of us is unique in our own way and as such, we each have our own thing that calls to us, for me, this is as good as it gets. I would like to have a big party this year after the weather gets a little warmer and it would be absolutely perfect if they would be there to play. I'll let ya know how that all works out.

I have also been feeling the urge to get out and about and start getting things done in earnest. There is a lot of work to be done before we are even can think of packing things away for the move to Cali. As a whole, it seems an insurmountable task, but taken a piece at a time it's much less intimidating. And so a piece at a time, the task shall be accomplished.

As I look to the future and to a new life in Cali., I often wonder what will we do out there to occupy our time. I have always enjoyed being outside here, tinkering with some broken piece of machinery, puttering around in the garden, even just sitting in a chair on the lawn watching the chickens in their endless search for bugs. Will I still be able to do those things out there? Or will some new wonderful "thing" present itself to me? Only time will tell I guess...

One thing is certain, I am going forward on the journey, and I am traveling the road before me with Sarah and the kids beside me. And no matter where we go or where our road takes us, we will be together and that is what truly matters.

Until then, follow your bliss and enjoy the journey. And take the "big things" one piece at a time. It never hurts to share your journey with your family and friends too.

Peace,
-T-

My Valentines Day adventure.

I would like to preface this with a disclaimer: Each man is an entity unto himself. As such, he should never be held to some standard that is perceivably set by his wife, girlfriend, or significant other after she has read something such as this. Ladies, please do not take this to your husband, boyfriend, or significant other and use it as an example, this is what I did for my wife and, as you will see, it took the help of a lot of people to pull it off. This is my story and each person should be allowed the opportunity to write their own. That being said, here is a brief account of what I, Tracy, did in honor of the love I have for my wife Sarah on Valentines Day, February 14, 2009. It must also be said that it has taken 18 years of trying for me to get to a place where this was possible, and a host of friends and family have also lent their support.

This idea was started in my head around a month ago. I truly believe that there was a higher power involved and I’ll try to explain at the appropriate time in the story…

This all started out as just dinner and a show. Not just a movie, as in whatever just happened to be playing at the local movie theater, but an honest to goodness show. Something I had researched, with her in mind, and setup in conjunction with a nice meal.

I first secured a babysitter, thanks Becky and Aunt Bonnie. I am told the kids had a surprise waiting for them that morning as well and I can’t wait to hear about their adventures. Next, while I had my sister’s attention, I inquired as to whether or not she knew of a restaurant that would still take reservations. She did and so I began looking into The Black Swan ( http://www.millenniumrestaurants.com/blackswan.php?ID=25 ). This seemed perfect, an elegant restaurant in a quiet setting overlooking a lake, and they’d take a reservation. A reservation was therefore obtained for 5:15. Next I needed a show, and not just some run of the mill play. I remembered taking her to Cats at Miller Auditorium ( http://www.millerauditorium.com/ ) and so I looked at their website and saw that they were showing Rain ( http://www.raintribute.com/ ) which I learned was a tribute to the Beatles. After 18 Valentines Days with Sarah, and nearly (like less then two months shy) as many years having been married to her, I have learned a thing or two. One being that she is a HUGE Beatles fan. (Side note, this would the part where I believe a higher power was involved, Divine Intervention if you will) I also noticed that there was a showing on Valentines Day at 8pm, which would leave me plenty of time to get us to the auditorium from the restaurant after dinner.

Now for the little things that would truly make this MY treat to her. I started thinking of ways to make this a special night. We have been to the movies rather recently and in fact, did also have a nice dinner along with said trip to the movies, but… it wasn’t a proper date. It should also be noted that at just about this time, I was having some rather interesting conversations via Facebook with some friends from my high school days regarding my senior prom which didn’t really go all that well. I will spare you the gory details, but it did lend a certain flare to my creative process in preparing for this special evening. I should also then say thanks to Mena and Ame for helping me work through those memories and turning something bad into something spectacular, so thanks ladies, I owe ya one. Bearing that in mind, I thought of setting this up as a genuine bona fide date. Here's what I mean by that. I made some calls to a couple of friends and set it up like this, I would leave the house and go to their house to “get ready” and so thanks are in order to the Jeff and Desiree (she plays another important part in the story in a bit).

Afterwards I would proceed to “her house” (in reality just as much my own as hers as we live here together, but for the sake of the “date”, we’ll pretend) and pick her up at a predetermined time. This also gave her something else she likes, quiet time… A very precious commodity in our house! I also consulted my fashion adviser, Erin who is perhaps Sarah’s oldest and dearest friend to ask what I should tell her to wear for the occasion. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that all of the details were a complete surprise to her? All I told Sarah was "I'll pick you up at 4:30 for dinner and a show." No specific details were divulged. Well, Erin knows Sarah better than I do and knows fashion, which is completely alien to me (I still have a hard time coordinating my belt with my shoes with… OI). So I knew I was in good hands and the advice was spot on, thanks Erin, you’re swell. I owe you one too, probably more.

Along the way, I also planned a few other stops. I stopped at the local florist several days before and ordered a corsage and matching boutonnière. I picked them up on the way to get ready and they were lovely, thanks Ridgeway Floral ( http://www.ridgewayfloral.com/ ). I then needed a card and some sweets so a quick stop at Kirlin’s Hallmark ( http://www.kirlins.com/index.html ) was in order. So with the final piece of the puzzle in hand, I was all set. Now to just put the wheels into motion.

I arrived at Jeff and Desiree’s house around 3:30 with my suit, the card and candy, and the flowers all in hand. Then got ready and Desiree helped pin the boutonnière onto the lapel of my coat, my hands were way too shaky for such a delicate operation! I actually had butterflies in the pit of my stomach! After I had done all I could to make myself presentable, I drove back to the house, gifts in hand, and rang the doorbell. It must also be said that Desiree followed me home with camera in hand to snap a few photos of the occasion, thanks again Des. Sarah answered the door in her brand spanking new black dress with white polka dots and I must say, it does a man good to see his wife dressed up for a night out on the town. There are words to describe just how beautiful she was, but that would take a lot of typing. Suffice it to say, she nearly took my breath away! Des and I came in and I delivered the swag. I think she was impressed, but there was more in store. After a few quick photos, we were off.

We arrived just a few minutes late for our reservation but the restaurant was magnificent. A lovely setting both inside and out. Valet parking (an option I did not avail myself of), a coat check (a first for me) and a staff that is second to none. The food was exquisite, from the salads to the dessert. After dining, we retrieved our coats and were off to the show. I still hadn't told her what we were going to see but once inside the auditorium , we walked past a souvenir table and she saw the goods. The smile on her precious face was reward enough for me and she hadn’t even heard them play yet! I picked up a program and a rose from another vendor and we were off to our seats. Shortly after, the show began and all I could do was watch her as she enjoyed the show. She was smiling from ear to ear and singing right along with the band. As for myself, I also enjoyed the show and even got a little choked up when they sang Yesterday. It seems as though yesterday, all MY troubles seemed so far away, but for me, love is still an easy game to play… if you are truly, deeply, and unconditionally in love.

After the show was over, I stood in the lobby waiting for her to use the facilities and a younger couple (I guessed college age) strolled by and the fellow says to me “I like your style”. I thought it a bit odd, but thanked him nonetheless. A few minutes later, after she was done and we were outside walking to the car we passed them again and I heard this same fellow remark to his date “This guy knows how to do it right!” Buddy, if only you knew, if only you knew…

So thanks to all my friends and family without whom, much of this would not have been possible. You’re the greatest and I am blessed to have you all in my life. Most importantly, I am blessed to have Sarah in my life. I love you baby, Happy Valentines Day…

Look to tomorrow.

So, there are good days and bad days. Mostly the bad days consist of emotional downs. That is to say, days when I feel like I don't have it in me to take another step, when I simply can't see what tomorrow could possibly bring. Today turned out to be one of those days. While talking to my sister this evening, she mentioned what a hard time Dad is having trying to cope with not being a farmer and looking for employment in an economy that has little if any suited to him, and in a state that offers little hope of finding any employment suited to you or not. He had been a farmer for over thirty five years and finally decided that he was no longer physically able to perform the tasks necessary to raise cattle. The cattle are what kept him going through all the pain, cold rainy miserable days, the flu, the blistering heat... through it all, even his two divorces, they remained his constant. And now they're gone, and by his own choosing! I know he is in emotional pain and struggling with what to do next. One friend of his told him "This is your chance to do what you've always wanted to do", she obviously doesn't know him very well. He was doing the one thing he wanted to do...

I see that he has a hard time communicating his emotions, and I think that is what led to my day ending so bad. It brought out all the negative emotions that have been hiding out in the deepest recesses of my mind. Trying to gather strength for my moment of weakness. My wife and I are planning to move to California where her family lives and the weather is much more... pleasant let's say. The biggest hurdle we face is finding insurance that will take me with the blood disorder. We are trying to find suitable coverage but are on a limited income. It hasn't been easy thus far. Thinking about my Dad and his troubles made me start thinking "What if we can't find coverage out there?" Are we then stuck here? Our minds are already in Cali., our hearts are already saying goodbye to all the things we love here in Michigan. What if this doesn't work out? Where before I couldn't see through all this to five years from now, to next year even, now I can't even see past tonight. What does tomorrow have in store for me? Now I am truly worried about the future. I guess maybe because my Dad has always been my rock. One of a very few constants by which I could navigate through life and that would help me find my way. Now, if he is adrift with the tide, how will I fond my way?

I will wake up tomorrow and see where the night has taken me. I will get my bearings as best I can, and I'll adjust my sails to make best use of the available winds and I shall sail on. I have a plan. It may not be a very good plan, but I can refine it as I go to meet the obstacles that are placed in my path. I vow to move ever forward toward my destination and should I be blessed enough to reach it, I'll set me eyes on another destination and continue on. I know no other way. Some will surely be left behind, but who's to say I might not just sail back this way again, maybe take them for a little ride and enjoy life's wondrous joys together. I know that through it all, my Sarah will be by my side to take the wheel should I need to rest a spell. Her course is my course and mine, hers. Together we shall see just what this world has in store for two star crossed lovers...

I truly hope you have such a first class mate to journey along with you. And may you be blessed with fair weather and a stiff breeze at your back.

Blessed be,
Tracy

My one piece of happy.

So I read this post on this blog (http://bepresentbehere.blogspot.com/2009/01/one-piece-of-happy.html) the other day and I so wanted to give it a try, I wanted to find my piece of happy...

Last weekend was pretty crappy as far as my energy level is concerned and I was due for some blood. I got it on Tuesday and on Wednesday, I started a workout program with the wife. I was so sore and tired afterward but mentally committed to keep on keepin on. Thursday we exercised again and after that I went to my dads to work on the house some more. I was so sore and tired that not much got done but it was the kind of day where we were happy to just sit and talk. The kind of talk we don't do often enough and always end up crying at some point but feeling so much better. As I was getting ready to leave, he spotted a doe and her two fawns in the field behind his house. I tried to sneak to the van to get the camera out but alas, I was heard/spotted/sniffed out. They bolted...

Now I thought that the day was a total loss as I walked around the barn to try to spy just a glimpse of them. Then it hit me! One of the most beautiful sunsets in recent memory. And I snapped these:



















Disclaimer: It looked much more beautiful in person and I am NOT by any stretch a professional.

While I was trying to get the best angle for these, and several others, I became totally caught up in the moment. Here I was, out in the country, in nature, enjoying one of Mother Earth's wondrous beauties. I had found a piece of happy! And did I ever immerse myself in it. I was no longer tired, the melancholy had slipped from my shoulders and I was, at that moment, at peace... Full of renewed vigor as I walked about the farm, trying to capture the moment. It was freezing cold all around me, but I didn't feel old man winters chill.

I once was lost, but now I'm found... Thank you.

Blessed be.

Who wants to live forever?

So just about an hour ago I was driving home and listening to Queen and the song "Who Wants To Live Forever" came on. It got me to thinking. Would I rather live forever or live with the specter of death hanging over my head constantly? On the one hand, knowing that I would be around forever and not having to worry about things like disease would be pretty sweet. The downside would be losing everybody that I care about, and there are a lot of you. I know that death is always a possibility and there are no guarantees in life up to and including life itself. I'm just saying, what if...

I tend to think that I would rather things were just as they are and here's why. Given the fact that I have this disease, and now that I am considerably more in control of my emotions, I am led to live each and every day to the fullest. To be the best I can be and squeeze every drop of... whatever from the life I have. I tend to think that if I put out to the universe that I am healthy and strong, and keep the vision in my head that I am alive and living life to the fullest, that is what the universe will give me.

Now, flip the coin over and lets say that I had an eternity to do whatever my heart desired. I already know how I lived when I thought I would leave this earth at oh, I dunno, 75-80... I sat around doing silly things with the mentality that I could always do it tomorrow or the next day. Now I realize that tomorrow may not arrive, no matter how stalwart the postman is. He will still make his appointed rounds but there may not be a package in his bag for me.

So... I apologize ahead of time if I bug any of you to do something over and over again, or if you call and get my voice-mail. I may just be a little bit busy... LIVING!

Until next post, I bid you peace.

The Dark Side, Tsunami style.

Today I was having one of those stellar days where nothing could go wrong, where you're on top of the world, and then it happened...

We were driving (Sarah, the kids, and I) to Vicksburg so I could get a haircut. I was even going to get highlights done, something I'd never done before and I was so excited! Sarah and I were talking about a dream I had last night wherein an old friend I would have liked to date back in Jr. High school, whom I have recently reconnected with, had just broken up with a friend that Sarah knew from our time in the Air Force. (I knew him too, he just wasn't exactly a friend)

The three of us, Greg, Mena and I, were in some sort of a morph between a classroom and a night club (I think because each of these would have been appropriate to each of the others in the dream, hence the two rooms became one) and in the dream, she and I were now a couple but she was sitting with him (as in on his lap) and having a good time seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was there at all, let alone that I was her new boyfriend. My explanation to Sarah was that this is where my Dark Side thoughts came from, the thought that I was no longer in her life (ie. the disease had taken me) and she had moved on to find another soul mate. I have talked to her about these Dark Side thoughts and how I don't want to think that way because I believe that if that is what I put out to the universe, that is what I'll get back. Therefore, if I allow myself to think like I'm already gone, that is what the universe will interpret as my wish and I will become... gone. That being said, I told her that somehow in the weirdness that happens in my mind (I refer to this as monkey mind), the monkey was reading the story and trying to translate it for me but he didn't know the people involved so he rifled through my memories and inserted his own "weird" mix of people.

Sarah was then answering a question that Molly asked about how many brothers and sisters she (Sarah) had and in the answering of that question we began to talk about how Sarah's mom is married to her step-dad and that is where some of the step-siblings come from. Then we talked about the parallels between Sarah and her mom. Things like Mom had two boys and a girl and now Sarah has two boys and a girl. Then Sarah made a comment about how her mom had married a crazy man (in a good, funny kinda way) the first time and so had Sarah. Then she made some sort of reference to how her next husband would be different, just like her mom's second husband... Enter the Tsunami.

You know, you can see it rolling in almost in slow motion and you know that total destruction and chaos are close on its heals, but that there is no way in hell that you will ever be able to out run it. I could feel that initial wave of adrenaline hit me like a freight train and I thought for just a second that I might be able to out run the Tsunami, but alas, twas in vain. The emotion hit me and enveloped me fully right there in the van... behind the wheel at 45 mph... on a country road in a beautiful winter wonderland setting amongst the farms and forests... and suddenly I couldn't see a thing through the tears that had come from somewhere in left field. Sarah immediately knew what had happened and felt incredibly guilty but in all honesty, it wasn't her fault any more than it was Molly's or my own. It just kind of happened. Innocently enough, but it did happen. I had found a way to deal with the Dark Side that I had known up until that point but that had been of my own creation, born of simple boredom and a lack of anything better to occupy my mind. How in the bloody blue blazes am I going to combat something like this. Something that comes seemingly out of nowhere, when it is least expected and will even enlist the help of those closest to me?

I tried to turn it into something positive. I used the opportunity to talk to Sarah, explaining that this is exactly what I meant by "The Dark Side" and how I couldn't allow it into my life in any way shape or form. How I needed for her not to think along the lines of "When he is gone I will..." That I needed for her to think about this whole ugly mess as though we are in complete control and would come out of the other side of it just as though it had never happened. Together. Old. With lots of beautiful grandchildren. Alive... but most importantly, I would be THERE and not a fond memory.

That is my intention anyway. And that is what I am putting out to the Universe. I want to LIVE!

I did manage to finish the day not feeling totally depressed and got done all the things I wanted to accomplish so I am calling this one a victory for me. I hope this helps you all to understand a little bit better how I feel about all this and how I would like for everyone to think when they say "I'll keep you in my prayers/thoughts." Not so much that I would dictate how someone would or should pray or send out positive energy or whatever it is that they do when they talk to what they believe God to be. More so that this is how I see things, so far anyway, and that if they could pray and or send their energy to that effect, I believe it would be all the more powerful. At least that's how it works in "my world". Regardless of how someone else does it, I greatly appreciate the fact that they would even think of me at all when they "talk to God". I guess in the end it really doesn't matter how you say it, what's important is that you do say it. If it goes unspoken, how is God/the Universe to know what you desire? (shrugs) Again, my opinion, take it or leave it.

I'll leave you with a saying that has stuck with me for some time and for some reason I am led to put it out to you all now... "Prayer is when you talk to God, meditation is when you listen."
I think both of these types of communication are extremely important and that they should both be practiced equally. It seems to me that someone would be remiss if they only talked and didn't listen. I think that is how relationships fail, with one way communication. And in truth, no matter what you or I believe, that's one relationship we cannot allow to fail...

Light, love and blessings to you all,
T.